From time to time, I have shared some of my professional experiences with you...when I think that hearing real life stories may help put life in perspective.
One 'positive' thing about my job is that everyday....when you leave the hospital....the air seems fresher, the night seems more beautiful...when you realize that you have your health and your life. Sadly, coming home to just 'hang' with my family may have been just a bit too 'boring' for my W.
On Christmas Eve, at 9PM, I was called to the ER to see a 56 year old woman in good health who, for the first time, presented complaining of 2 weeks of abdominal pain. They performed a CT scan of her abdomen and discovered that she had a perforated sigmoid colon, from tumor, with extensive metastatic disease to her liver (extensive spread). Suddenly, a complete stranger (me) was going to have to tell this woman the findings.
This...is NEVER easy.
Her family, of course, is destroyed. However, SHE seemed to take it stride..but...I don't think she has the full grasp of it.
I operated on her yesterday. It was horrible. She had a large tumor in her sigmoid colon with her left fallopian tube and 2 loops of small intestine stuck to it. She had extensive liver metastases....some up to 5 cms in diameter and she also had seeding or implants in her abdominal cavity.
If she has more than 6 months, it would be a blessing.
I left the hospital at about 830P after spending 3 hours in the OR trying to remove this obstructing cancer. While I was in the recovery room, I called home and my son picked up the phone:
Me: Hey buddy...how are you? S8: Great dad...I miss you. When you are coming home? Me: I'm leaving in a few minutes. S8: Hurry up..I want to play (xbox game) with you. And dad....can you bring home some milk? We need milk. Me: Milk? Sure.
(D5 grabs the phone)
D5: And dad..don't forget to bring home some red cabbage.
(my D5 wants to be a scientist, so, she picked out a science experiment kit that requires red cabbage)
Me: No problem honey. Milk and red cabbage.
Behind me, I hear the nurses chatting....smiling...giggling..saying what a great husband and dad I was...and contrasting being a surgeon and bringing home milk...as they got all the lines and tubes connected on my patient.
Little did they know.
Contradiction.
It's still difficult to conceptualize....the contradiction about what I hear and what my STBXW sees and feels. Having been given the gift to alleviate pain...to operate and intervene....is a great blessing.
Contradiction. There is nothing of value here to my STBXW.
I look at the nurses and I smile...crack a joke.
I go out to the lobby to the meet the 10 or so family members who stare at my face....looking for some message.
It's a VERY LONG WALK...those 10-20 paces....from the OR door/lobby entrance to the family. Very long. As if I WERE THE TUMOR, they dissect my every body movement and search my eyes for some message before I even get there.
I ask for only 3 to come with me into the chapel/consulting room and I give her husband and son the news.
I drive home, torn..inside...between the contradictions....in my life. Unlike my W, I know why I was put here. I have direction. My life has purpose. Although the depression has left and my focus is better...now....you feel the loneliness.
My patients pain should now resolve. At least for now and she should be able to eat again. My pain, however, still lingers though much better. I have been rejected and I must live with it.
But...I have my health. I do not have end stage colon cancer today. So...I am grateful for my health...I am grateful for being able to help my fellow man.....and I am grateful...for all of you here...for the support.
I drove home and picked up the milk. I picked up the cabbage. D5 and I made some bubbling color changing liquid and S8 and I battled it out on Xbox. I read a bedtime story to my son...a story about what snowmen do after the sun goes down...and I kiss him...and D5...goodnite.
Happy New Year to all my friends here. Live life. When you are with your kids, "be in the moment" with them.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
