I'm here........

[LL44]

You say that DD4 is happier when H is around, well she won't be happy if Mommy is crying and upset all the time.

I agree. I hate that my girls have seen my cry a handful of times over xH. They shouldn't have to see that, nor try to take care of me.

Nor should your D4.

I emailed you, but will add some hard stuff (don't hate me)....I feel that your H and OW had a 'plan' to cool down for awhile, but they never ended it. I feel that OW got cold feet about putting a plan in action, but your H has always been waiting. I feel he used you when he had nowhere to go (after the DUI, and license thing). I feel that he would have left you and D4 if he had the money/freedom to do so.

Here's something though my friend: Your husband loves you. Your husband loves your daughter. I don't think this has ever changed. But we have learned from this board that love isn't enough sometimes. Your husband lacks strength and integrity.

Take your time, and make your decisions for you. We are here for you, and would never relish in the 'I told you so's'...

[lovelyolive]

I'm sorry to hear that Sue. My biggest worry for you has been that it seemed like everything was swept under the rug again and not dealt with head-on. I know from my personal experience that things won't get better long-term if they aren't dealt with up front. Learned that lesson the hard way

[Startingover2]

I emailed you, but will add some hard stuff (don't hate me)....I feel that your H and OW had a 'plan' to cool down for awhile, but they never ended it. I feel that OW got cold feet about putting a plan in action, but your H has always been waiting. I feel he used you when he had nowhere to go (after the DUI, and license thing). I feel that he would have left you and D4 if he had the money/freedom to do so.

Here's something though my friend: Your husband loves you. Your husband loves your daughter. I don't think this has ever changed. But we have learned from this board that love isn't enough sometimes. Your husband lacks strength and integrity.

I do agree with this for sure. I do believe he loves you just as mine still does too at times...the just lack integrity.

Please don't put up with this any longer. Kick him out. Don't give him a time frame, just get it done. Its hard to do, but really you are doing this on your own anyway. The only thing that will change is your peace of mind knowing you are no longer used and manipulated by this man.

Respect yourself!!

[karen43]

Now I guess I'm numb all over again. The one thing that gives me joy (D4) actually had to comfort her own mommy yesterday. I cried and slept all day. I tried to keep it away from her but it wasn't easy.

Well, I'm ready for the feedback. I'm ready for the....You should have seen it coming....

So glad you posted Sue!!! My feedback is that it sounds like you are blaming yourself. I don't think you should!!! I mean what are you guilty of: wanting to believe the best in your H, wanting to hold the family together for your D4, being loyal and faithful and wanting to save your marriage. I mean everyone here is trying to do the same thing you know. I don't think you should blame yourself for the actions of your H. You can't do a marriage when only one person is doing all the work and there are 3 in the R and all that stuff.

You yourself posted for me to stop doing it when I went through a guilty phase, saying "I shoulda, I coulda,...You did what you thought was best at the time for your family. Continue to do that and things will work out ok in the end. I do think you've given your H as many chances as he deserves, but I'm sure you already know that. We love you, Sue!!! Karen

[SueS]

Hi everyone-

It's been a busy day. It's cold here and I'm feeling horrible for my mom. Her boss of nearly 25 years is not doing well and isn't expected to see the New Year. She's his only office employee and is treated like family by him, his wife & kids. She's so upset.

The evening at home was fine. A bit quiet, but I played with D4 a lot (games, puzzles...etc). H and I didn't discuss anything further, but we both know we need to. He talked to me yesterday and today as if it were a normal day, calling before I left work and also on his way home.

I'm ready for my 2 days off. D4's daycare is closed tomorrow & Thursday. YEAH! Tomorrow will just be a girl's day, as H will be working. No discussion of whether he's going out or not. I'll be home. Might try to go have a beer with a friend on Friday, if she's available. I'm going to start looking at more SUE things to do. I could really use a pedicure and some exercise!

Thanks for responding....really, it helped a lot.

Have a great New Year. I hope we all see a wonderful 2009.

SueS

[Startingover2]

I am glad you will get out and do things for you, but I still think you need to make some concrete decisions about your future with H and follow up on them. Are you willing to be the backup plan for H while he waits for OW? That is pretty much what is happening and the past history has proven that he will not change and will keep doing this. Remember how painful it was to watch him walk out the door knowing he will be with OW? I would hate to see you go thru this.

I think you need to do a complete 180 on him. Not for him, for you! Honestly, I think he needs a place to stay and be with D4 until OW is ready to flee her M. Please don't be that doormat.

Sorry to be so harsh but your H makes me sick. He is such a cake eater.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I am glad you will get out and do things for you, but I still think you need to make some concrete decisions about your future with H and follow up on them. Are you willing to be the backup plan for H while he waits for OW? That is pretty much what is happening and the past history has proven that he will not change and will keep doing this. Remember how painful it was to watch him walk out the door knowing he will be with OW? I would hate to see you go thru this.

I think you need to do a complete 180 on him. Not for him, for you! Honestly, I think he needs a place to stay and be with D4 until OW is ready to flee her M. Please don't be that doormat.

Sorry to be so harsh but your H makes me sick. He is such a cake eater.

Yep.

[Superstar]

I am glad you will get out and do things for you, but I still think you need to make some concrete decisions about your future with H and follow up on them. Are you willing to be the backup plan for H while he waits for OW? That is pretty much what is happening and the past history has proven that he will not change and will keep doing this. Remember how painful it was to watch him walk out the door knowing he will be with OW? I would hate to see you go thru this.

I think you need to do a complete 180 on him. Not for him, for you! Honestly, I think he needs a place to stay and be with D4 until OW is ready to flee her M. Please don't be that doormat.

Sorry to be so harsh but your H makes me sick. He is such a cake eater.

Yep.

x2.

[LL44]

Sue, I have been thinking of you tonight. Please take care, and I hope you know, you can do anything. You can survive anything. You are Mommy, after all. (((Sue)))

[SweetRedd]

Sue,

I'm so sorry your H hasn't changed and ended things with OW I agree with starting over and lwb. Kick his sorry *ss out and move on with your life. You were finding your strength and peace with D4 and allowed him to manipulate you and use you. He has NOT changed one bit. This isn't your fault. Just as you can't heal in this situation, D4 can't adjust to some form of a "normal" future with your H there. It isn't going to be long before she understands exactly what is going on. Please get both of you off of the roller coaster.

I'll be thinking of you!