T'Gone, thanks, I have missed you. FH, Thank you, by the way, you got your prayer answered, I don't remember sleep, not all week, not since Xmas night.
I have great Hope and Faith in God, there is no doubt there. I feel I must let her go. I can't keep asking questions that there are no answers too. I prayed and talked to Him all night. All I got were images of "Them" together. It is what filled my head since Xmas till this morning. the images are fading. Because my memory of her is fading. I dreamt briefly of her going to the New Years Party, and me not going because she was there. I told everyone I was glad that they were still friends with her and tha tI would not complicate things and put them in the middle. I thanked them for the friendship and kindness they had shown me and wished them all well in their lives. Yes, this is the first dream in a long time I have remembered, it is not pleasant. It is a dream of leaving all my friends because they are with her, she has disrupted and destroyed everything in my life, The dream meaning in this is clear. I will call a couple of my buddies tonight about tomorrow night. If there is any indication that she will be attending, I will bow out gracefully. I will send the money for my ticket, but will not attend. In dreams this vivi, it is hard not to see the truth. Yes, within me there is enormous conflict. No I have not forgiven as I had thought. I am not sur eI will or want to anymore. I asked God to send me something, somethought some gesture that these toguhts I have now are just a dark spot, a venting of emotion to get to the other side. there is no answer. I prayed last night for Him to forgive these thought sa nd asked Him if I am right, am I to walk alone and get the miles behind me or do I toil and clear the road so the path is clear and paved as 25year has said. No answer. I prayed harder than ever last night, no answer. The thoughts in my head are ending and melting away to blurrs. I am too nice and good of a person to be walked on while she goes through this. Who knows, in the end, maybe I'll still be there, I don't know. But I know this, she has been going through something for 2+ years. I begged her to talk with me, I got nothing, she made me feel as if everything was my fault tha tI was a filure that I was second place. Well guess what, In her head, heart and soul I was. Her opinion matters less to me than anything. the hurt and pain I lived with, the jealousy of her flirting, her seeming distant to me. Yeah, all that was in my head, BS! I spent this past weekend really thinking and searching my heart, soul and mind for reasons. There are none. She turned me against myself, made me something others didn't like, I believe she knew damn well what she was doing so that would justify her leaving me, because I was a jealous, loud mouthed drunk....Everyone had told me how I had changed, boy, she is good. But then she left, felt happy with her screwing my life into the ground. Felt she was now above me, no matter what she did, I was a piece of sh@#! She would always look good compared to me. Well, I changed, I changed back to the person everyone liked and loves to be around. i changed thngs in my life that took me down that path. I found God, and He loves me and He guides me and gives me strength. I do not know His plan in this. All I know is that I feel relived and hurt at the same time. I want to hear His word on this. If going down the road alone now is His will, then that is where I will go. I believe it is. I need to walk alone. I believeHe wants me to do this, to maybe gain clarity over my mind right now. My heart and soul ache over this, trust me, posting what I posted yesterday did not make me feel good. But I have to be honest with all of you as to what I am going through if I am to get advice that will help me. The images in my head of them have increased and have become more of a distraction to me. The dream about me wlking away from my friends because she is now back in their lives was all too vivid. If I find she is planning on atending this party, then it will be the end of all of it. My dreams carry much weight. It is His way of talking to me.
As AmyC has said, even though I say I have no expectations from her, I do. As long as I love her and hold out Hope, I will. I cannot live my life that way. I see no other choice for me then to let her go and get her out of my life. We will never be friends, we will never be anything. We will be strangers, as we are now, but even more distant. Over time I am sure I will tolerate her presence around my family, but not for long. there will be no kisses, no hugs , no signs of emotions. We will be strangers passing on opposite sides of the road. It hurts me to type this, but I made a pact with myself that if it is not positive and helping me, then I will remove it from my path. I hold out hope that He will give me what I have asked for. FH, in your posting you quoted living in the Spirit and the Sinners. that is me and her right now. No more opposite could we be. Opposites attract in the world of eletro-magnetics, not in life.
I am going to see my cousin this Saturday and I am looking forward to it. I have my New Years eve party with friends tha tI will now be very uncomfortable at because she has visited with these friends and most liely told them the whole "we" are done, "They" are the new "us" and she wants them to accept him into their lives so they can all be great friends. I know that conversation took place, don't ask me how, I just do. I will not pursue the contents of their time together, I will enjoy my time with them knowing that my dreams cast a shadow ont he those friendships remaining.
A very dark cloud has covered me.....He has not come to me in a while, nor have I heard His word. The service on Sunday was about the holy family. Be as the Holy Family. I would love to be, but I have no wife, married?, you have got to be kidding me. The ring is still on my finger, but I am having thoughts of putting it away forever. Nothing feels right to me anymore. My mind has been telling me things it wants to hear. The only reality in this sitch is the one I am living. I cannot start another year the way this one ends. I cannot look out of the horizon of a new dawn of a new year and see that road paved with thorns and questions.
"Life will dictate her consequences" this is a fact. she made her choices, she drank her poison. I am not her judge and jury. I am simply stating the reality to this fantasy she lives in. Her world will eventually fall. Whether she is "going through something" or not. In the end she will be judged, but not by me, by Him. He loves everyone so I am sure she will not be kept from Him, but I doubt He will let her in without revealing the things she had done to destroy so many lives including her own. I wil thank her for making me the best person ever and driving me to successes I never dreamed of. things she will see someday, but never be part of. And she will "what if" and "if only" her whole life going from one miserable failed experience to the next.
As i said, I never thoguth I would make it this far or last this long. It remains to be seen how long my being will tolerate this situaiton and accept it. I have my 9's, I have goals for the coming year. Sadly, other than me blanking her out of my life, she has no current part in it. I am detaching from her completely, because I can't do it half way. I love her too much to not do this. If I can't have her love and have her as part of my life, then I want none of her. I will not live my life seeing her happy in the arms of other men. That is a vision I clearly cannot live with. There is nothing I can do to change her , to fix her or to sway her. I will not sit by and "watch" and wait until her desires with everyone else are met and then she will come to me, second place again, used and tired until the next thing or soemone comes along. When she crashes, hopefully she will do what I have done and reflect on her choice she will be strong enough to see the damage and pain she has inflicted on everyone around her. And I hope she sees the damage she did to me, especially me. the man who loved her beyond the word itself, that she will ee that I loved her unconditionally and truly and deeply with all my heart and soul and being. Let her swallow that pill. I will be quite honest I don't see it happening. that pain would be too much too bear and she will just skip on to the next relationship and bed that comes along, once again trying to find that love she had once, to never find it. No, I don't think much of her right now, not the slightest. This dark cloud has given me voice to say what I have needed to say, out loud for my mind to release. To what end I needed to do this is anyone's guess. I am dark right now, very dark. I need to walk alone down this road that God has put me on. I need to empty my mind of her and get clarity. All that I had for her is ebbing away. if all I have in my head is images of her and him, then let those images be damned. If my only memories of her now are of her with him, then let those memories be damned. and if there is no image or memory of her, then I I truly have released her forever. My God watch over her, I 'm not going to.
