Praying For Us Every Day!

[still hopeful]

sunshine,

I do believe that you have reason to hope for reconciliation in your M.

I am not sure if you read my thread on this board, but in short, my separation was on Feb. 11, 2006, and my D become final on July 11, 2007. Needless to say, 11 is not my favorite number. So...I am coming up on 3 years of being apart; yes, three YEARS!

What I have learned is that being desperate for your spouse is useless and counterproductive. What IS productive is working to improve yourself physically, intellectually, spiritually, interest-wise, hobby-wise, friendship-wise...in every way. Rather than taking time pining for your wayward XH, use that time productively to make a better you. That time and effort is your gift to YOU that you get to keep regardless of what he does with HIS life.

One thing to NEVER forget, is that improving you may make you more attractive to XH (and others!), and since the will BE better, you will think more highly of yourself and your XH may no longer fit in your new life should he wake up and decide he wants a shot at reconciling with you. At that point, the decision will be YOURS and you will get to decide if he is worthy of the opportunity to reconcile with you.

The fact that you are here tells me that you believe strongly in M. Your XH has taken a huge blow to his ego because of the loss of his job. He thinks he will be able to recapture his youth, his manhood, and his 'machismo' by catching the eye of various younger women. One thing my XW has been finding out is that this Vince Lombardi quote rings true for me:

Perfection is not attainable, but if we chase perfection we can catch excellence.

Because frank_D was directed to my earlier thread, he urged me to come to grips with the fact that I am not THE problem that caused my now XW to seek a D. I am on my journey chasing perfection with the knowledge that I am never going to BE perfect but I will certainly catch excellence and be happy and fulfilled by simply being the best me I can be. It is the journey that is fun. The journey helps to distract me from thoughts that are hurtful and disturbing to by well-being. The journey is rewarding because I have control over THAT part of my life. The journey is rewarding because I see the strides I am making to improve me and I see the results.

I have made most of the 'mistakes' you will find on this board in the the DB and DR books. Since you cannot undo mistakes that you have already made, forgive yourself (HUGE relief), learn from what you've done incorrectly, and vow to DO differently going forward. Remember this, God is never surprised when you fail to keep a vow. YOU are surprised, but He never is. He forgives you and He loves you. The moral of that is YOU need to forgive you when you stumble, but more importantly you need to press on to the best of your ability in the moment. Do the best that you can do as often as you are able.

So, yes, there is still time to correct the misguided activities that you have been doing by doing differently going forward. Forgive yourself for what is passed. Focus on you, not on your XH. Improve you. Expand your interests. Stretch your level of comfort to new activities, new interests and new people.

frank_D told me:

You can listen to what others say here, but YOU know your wife (in your case, husband) and your sitch better than anyone here, and besides, it's YOUR life that is ultimately affected by YOUR decisions.

I offer his advice to you as well.

One thing I learned in watching my XW is that I had to stop believing what she SAID, and start watching what she DOES to determine what was truth. Most of the time for my XW, they were not congruent. Learning that my XW was such an accomplished and unabashed liar. THAT made me look back at all of the reasons she gave me for her being late and/or unreachable. But I also had to quickly throw those thoughts out because even if I did KNOW she was doing something she shouldn't have been doing, I would still be working to explore the possibility of reconciling our M.

As XW has gone through a string of BFs, I have watched closely because we have a D8 and S3. I have watched mostly silently, but VERY closely, because in her hurt and anger, her judgment has been suspect at best. All along the way, XW has told me that we have NO chance of reconciling. Mind you, I made lots of DBing mistakes along the way. Why? Because I was desperate for my wife and for my marriage. Only problem is that my desperation was simply a huge signal for my now XW to run from me, not a welcoming sign for her to come back to me. A friend recently told me that my XW didn't D me in order to get back together with me later. That hurt, and I see the logic in that, but if logic really prevailed always, no one would ever get divorced, would they?

The route I have taken more recently is to, again, stand fast, work to deepen my faith, be emotionally self-sufficient (at least not leaning on or pestering her), focus on my children's well-being, and to stay busy reading self-improvement material. I have also made a concerted effort to change my attitude about pretty much everything, and to take life in a much lighter, less serious way. All of this has made a difference for me, in that I am less emotionally affected by the rollercoaster ride that my XW lives her life on because I simply refuse to board. I watch from the side, rationally analyze the happenings and respond appropriately, am appropriately supportive when called upon, and I am NOT chasing her or acting NEEDY in any way.

At this point, we are much closer to the possibility of reconciling than at any point in the past three years. I regularly remind myself that I must NOT get too excited about possibilities, as possibilities often never turn into reality. I remind myself to NOT act NEEDY for her. I remind myself that I am terrified at the prospect of actually working to reconcile my M with my XW who may not be willing to work on herself and put our M first, ahead of her selfishness. I remind myself that I cannot make my M successful alone. She has to meet me halfway. She has to own her 'stuff', past and present, as I am working to own mine. I remind myself that even if my wish is God's will, XW has her own free will to do as she wishes.

As I have worked to improve myself, I have also gained remarkable self-control and improved my self-confidence. I know that I AM a catch for someone when the drama of my sitch plays itself out. Guarantees do not exist in love. I am simply hoping that that someone is my XW, but if my wish does not turn out to be my future, I will find someone whom I will meet their needs and she will meet mine and together, we will reap the benefits of our love synergy and ride off into the sunset together happy, healthy and whole.

I know I wrote a ton here, as I am often apt to do, but I cannot stress this enough:
1. Deepen your faith.
2. Forgive yourself for the past.
3. Learn from past mistakes. Strive to do better.
4. Chase perfection. Achieve excellence.
5. Make you the absolute best and most attractive you possible.
6. Read, learn, interact, expand your interests and your mind.
7. Step outside your comfort zone. Test your limits. Grow.
8. View your situation from the OUTSIDE looking IN for clarity. Give yourself advice, like you would to a good friend in your situation and FOLLOW it. (takes practice, but very effective)
9. Love yourself and treat yourself lovingly.
10. Understand that if YOU give up on reconciling your marriage, that leaves NO ONE fighting for it.

Best wishes to you. I will write to you more if you simply write to us more. We are with you, even those who have not found the time or courage to respond.

Tom