Separated for 2 months... ice is thawing a little

[istherehope]

Hi CL,

With what you've said, it sounds like going dim could be the right answer at least for the moment. I think the way that I would look at it is that your W has asked for space (even if it ends up that this is not what she really wants), so it would be useful to show her that you are giving this and that you have listened. From what you've said about your wife's behavior when you have minimal contact, this does seem to be working. I think that in terms of the complaints that she has had on occasion about your distance, you can still show her that when you ARE in contact, you do care and listen to the things that she says. There is a good chance that you going dim will make her angry at first. It seems to be a common theme for many of us that when we start to make changes, they provoke anger in the WAS. I don't think it's intentional, but I know I've been baited on several occasions myself.

Yes I think stage 1 is usually full of mundane business contact, or spew. In my situation I mentioned that we had contact almost every day, but it would usually be about the bank account balance, the pets etc. As time progressed, there were occasions where H's guilt would come through and he would ask about a lot of personal things, but would usually either get angry or talk about how he couldn't be with me. Each situation is unique of course, but I think if you can get to the point where your W starts venting to you about the R, then you are well-placed to show her your calm changes, to show how you can listen and validate. I made a spreadsheet of big goals each month, with baby steps that would show me I was heading in the right direction. For example one month my goal was that H would be comfortable with me. Baby-steps were around the frequency of contact, and the things that would be discussed. With some of these goals there isn't a whole lot that you can actively do toward reaching them, apart from making yourself as safe a presence as possible, but I would look at them more as indicators or milestones.

Hope you're having a good day!

ITH