Making my own good karma!!

[Silent Chrleader]

I am feeling a little sad right now, but that's OK. I had a little talk with my H, which I had not intended to do, and is probably backsliding but I don't really feel sorry I did it.

There is a man at work that I have mentioned here before. He is a very nice guy with whom I have had many conversations, and some light flirtation. He is a single father of a 16 year old girl. He is a very engaging, funny, man, and we have had a standing joke whereby he now owes me 3 drinks and a lunch (not at the same time). Anyway, we have been talking about taking a drive out to the other side of the mountains (4 hrs) so he can look at a vintage motorcycle he is interested it. We've talked about going together and sharing the ride, because the place where the bike is at is very near our "ranch" and I thought it would be a good time for me to pick up some stuff from up there that I want.

Well, my friend (I'll call him J), wants to go this coming weekend. However, H was going to go up to the ranch this weekend to get some of the bigger stuff I wanted (like furniture). Next weekend is no good because that is when I am moving into my apt. So, I ended up going back and forth with H via e-mail to see what plan might work. H picked me up at work so we could discuss it on the ferry.

I should mention that J also told me that name the day this week and we'll do those drinks after work. I named Wednesday although I had not thought about that being New Years Eve. So, not sure about that one.

On the ferry home, I talked with H about my thoughts. Asked if he would feel uncomfortable if we just stopped by the ranch for me to pick up some of the little stuff there that I want. H said he would feel uncomfortable, especially if S17 came with J and me on this drive (which was the original plan since S17 was interested in seeing the vintage motorcycle too).

So, H and I got into a conversation about J and my feelings about the sitch regarding him. H told me that it was just a few drinks and no big deal and not to overthink it. I told him that wasn't the point. I told him I really like J, and that I was no longer willing to wait around with my life on hold and possibly throw away something good. I told him that I was not looking for another relationship and still felt the same as I always have about my commitment to our marriage, but that I wanted to be upfront and honest about these issues. I told him that J was a very good person and I wouldn't want to lead him on, so I had concerns about how I wanted to go forward. H told me that he really appreciated how strong I've been and how I've "handled everything" (this surprised me), and I thanked him for the compliment.

I told H that I had a lot of concern for him, that I no longer agree with his values or lack thereof. I told him that the truth was that I did not want the man he has become, and that it breaks my heart to see both his children not want to have anything to do with him. He said he felt that would change as S17 grows up. He said he really appreciates what I am able to give the kids, and he wished he still had it but he just doesn't. I told him, well that was his choice and I couldn't make it for him or change his mind so while I disagree and am very disappointed that he does not appear to be the honorable man I thought he was, I must accept his choice. I told him that I was strong and I knew I would be OK.

I asked H to promise me one thing and that was that IF he ever felt he'd made a mistake, that he would not let pride or shame stand in his way of telling me so. He said he could definitely promise me that. I also told him that I really hoped he figured himself out some day. And he said that he hoped so too. And then he said that he has every intention of continuing IC for himself.

Before I got out of the car, I turned to him and said I really had NO intention of getting into this talk and that my plan for 2009 was to just go on with my life and make it the best I could and leave the past in the past and the future to itself. I then took H's hand and told him that I would always care for him, until the day I die, and that I wanted him to be happy. He squeezed my hand and said that he would always care for me and wants me to be happy too. Then he said, "It's just for a couple of drinks. Go and have fun. You deserve it." Then he smiled at me and I smiled back.

I love this man with all my heart, or at least the man that I know is inside him. He really does have a beautiful soul. I just wish he could see it and not be so afraid of it.

Be that as it may, I am living my life for me now (and my kids). And I am going to do my best to find the happy.

OK, so do you all think I'm nuts! Let the 2x4's fly....

[Silent Chrleader]

The more I think about it, I actually am feeling more compfortable with where H and I are at this very moment. I don't regret the talk we had. I feel like we have reached a place where we truly care for each other and are committed to working together to do the best we can for our common financial interests.

However, I would not be happy with the man my H has decided to be for now, and I have told him so. I feel very comfortable in the knowledge that I have done my very best for my marriage, and am still open to doing more, but I can't make him be in the same place I am. He will face the consequences of his choices both good and bad, and if we are meant to be together, it will all happen in it's due course.

For now, I am taking care of me, and committed to trying to spend 2009 finding out just who I am and what makes me happy. I will be true to myself, and keep a light in the window for my H to find his way home if he chooses. In the meantime, I'm going to live for me.

[dl443322]

Oh SC, you really are amazing. I know others might disagree, but I think the talk you had with your h was an honest and insightful one. I think you can never go wrong when speaking the truth.

I know that one day your h will realize what how special you are. It is so sad when we see what our h's have become and how far away they are from who they were.

I hope that you (and everyone else going through this) will make 2009 the year of new beginnings.

[Silent Chrleader]

Thanks, BM, for the compliment. I don't know how "amazing" I am. I often have a hard time with the "game playing" that DBing seems to entail sometimes, although I do understand the reasons for the different "techniques". I'm just essentially a very up-front person, and I really have to work hard to keep my big mouth shut!!

I am really in a dilema of how to handle things with J (male friend at work). I'm really afraid actually. My heart tells me that I can't have been wrong for 27 years, and with time, H will realize that throwing away our M is a mistake. J just got out of a 5 year relationship and is lonely too and we have fun talking. It's just so strange. I've been with H since I was 17 and it feels funny going out for drinks with "another guy". Mind you, I've had male friends before, but then there was a definite line drawn, so I felt compfortable. Now.....I'm afraid. Is that weird? I know that I am in control of what I do and don't do, and J is very much a gentleman. I just don't want to get in too deep without meaning to, but nor do I want to pass up on some happiness I could have by "waiting around" for H.

Does anyone have any advice on this issue?

[ThinkingItThru]

No advice. Don't know how anyone could give advice on this.

Its been on my mind too. Moving on with someone else. I don't have anyone in mind, but I figure someday if things don't change in my R, someone will come along who values me and what would I do when/if that happens.

Reading your conversation it seems that you handled it with grace and honestly by telling your H about J. That is how I imagined something might happen with me as well. I also imagined if I told my H about someone else and there was no reaction, that would be my answer.

[Silent Chrleader]

Thank you, T, for your input.

I talked about the issue of J (and other relationships in general) in IC today. My C seems to think this is a very positive thing and good for my self esteem and growth, so long as I don't dive in too far too fast. I don't think there's any chance of that. I'm too chicken!!

My H is going out trolling some bars tonight with some buddies of his. I asked if he knew where they were going so I could be sure and avoid that. He didn't know where exactly where they were going, and asked "Why, are you going out with J?". I said "Yes, probably." And he said "Well, it'll probably be crowded because of New Years, so be aware."

I don't know what to think. If H felt uncomfortable with me going, I know he wouldn't show it. He also knows me very well, and knows he has nothing at all to worry about. In the whole of our marriage, H has only showed any "proprietory" behaviour once, and that was over 20 years ago, and he was drunk at the time. He's just not a jealous guy. He also told me "You know I've gone to lunches and drinks with co-workers before, and it doesn't mean anything!" So, I don't think he even really thinks of it as meaning anything.

So, I'm going to go, and try to have a good time. Maybe I'll just have 1 drink and then go home. J mentioned a party, so I don't know if he meant that he was inviting me too, or if he was just telling me he was going to one after. I'll play that by ear.

The plain truth, though, is that I know I will never love anybody again in my whole life, the way I love my H. The events of the past year have changed me, and though I am stronger for it, I know that I will never be able to have the kind of pure unsullied trusting love that I had for the past 27 years for my H. It's true that my next relationship (whether that's with my H or someone else) will be a more mature and "healthy" kind of love. But it will never shine quite so brightly as the love I had for my H.

And that makes me very sad.

[glamgirl]

Sorry SC that you are sad. Go out and have fun tonight. You will never go back to the old M anyway, so you would have a new love an appreciatation of your h. 27 yrs is a long time.

Happy New Year and hope great things happen in 2009.

[Silent Chrleader]

Thanks, {{{Glam}}}, for your encouragement. I'm nervous about tonight, but I plan to at least enjoy some good adult conversation........unless we end up at the frat party that J has been invited to!

[ThinkingItThru]

Go out and have a great time! You deserve it.

[Silent Chrleader]

Well, it's 10pm and I am home. J and I had one drink at a Whisky Bar, and a coffee at Starbucks a couple hours later. The rest of the time we just walked around the city and talked. We talked about my M, and his recent break up. We talked a lot about work. He likes old movies, and single malt scotch, but doesn't drink to excess. He knows how to ballroom dance! (I once talked H into Swing dance lessons. It wasn't pretty!) He loves road trips even if it's only overnight someplace. His D16 is the light of his life and she is definitely Daddy's girl. He talks to his mother every day (because she calls him). He made a quick phone call to her when we were walking so she wouldn't worry when he wasn't at home. He says he has never been unfaithful in any relationship he has ever had. He's never even asked a woman on a date. All relationships he has had, the women have pursued him. Why I asked? He's says he's too shy and couldn't take the rejection. He seems to be really just a genuine guy, who is understanding and non-judgemental and a little lonely. I think I have found a friend. We seem to have a lot of common interests although we have had very divergent lives.

So, I did have a good time. But I headed home after 4 hours and am ready to go to bed and maybe read some. Boy, aren't I the party animal!