That sounds all-around unpleasant. Amazing how we can act around people who are the closest to us. Take your two girls, for example. They would never behave that way with their friends, but each of them has the "comfort" and familiarity to be able to do and say these things to each other...
What happened to the family counseling?
And, an idea for stbx with D16...why does she have to view it as a burden? Hell, they can clean up together, then sit to play cards/do homework/watch a show together.....use it as positive reinforcement and a reward! I bet D16 feels the resentment from her mom, which makes her more anxious, which probably makes her REALLY want to purge! How hard does it have to be to hang out and not hover for an hour a few times a day? I would welcome the bonding time, even if they are just doing their own thing (like parallel play for little kids).
She's lucky she has the kids there with her as much as she does.
