Tower

[Delil@h]

I found these things tonite. I am not saying stay and suffer more.
I just thought I would share.
I have read his book. Dr Stosny
"You don't have to take it anymore."
And I am re~ reading it in my hotel room. Fun huh?
Stosny~ Read this please.....
Compassion power.com
Take care.... I think some of the stuff on there .. may help you heal and sort your feelings out.
Just my 2 cents ... K?
Love,
Ava

[Cinco]

Thanks for the links Ava I will look at them. I'm feeling a little better now, just more peaceful about things for now. Going to bed soon but I will read tomorrow.

Watched the Cowboys play last game at Texas stadium on TV tonight. It really brought back some old memories. I used to go to games there with my dad and old friends over the years. My D and I even went to a game there a few years ago.

We always seem to find each other here when we need each others help the most. Thanks for being here Ava. It does help to know that I am not alone in this.

Be safe in your travels and don't stay couped up in the room looking at a laptop the whole time... get out and see what's around.

Cinco

[Delil@h]

I would love to be out and about.
he is out right now w/ his crew.
Long story...
I was ok with it and I still am.
But it is getting later and he isnt back yet. ( I am more along the lines of i want to wring his neck )
I am trying to work thru my feelings but he seems a little childish to me right now.
but my core value is more important than his bad behavior so I must be compassionate towards myself and not get worked up. If that even makes any sense.

[Delil@h]

I did fall asleep after reading my book , I woke up just a few minutes ago.
I was doing very well. I wasnt worried or trying to fix , or blah , blah blah.
My Alanon meetings though very few have helped me but right now I do feel nauseous and angry,
ugh~
I need to try and go back to sleep and not build on my anger.
cause I can slice thru with my words if I let this consume me.
I need to stop dwelling.

[Delil@h]

See my biggest fear is that if I stay calm and dont say anything?
I am condoning his behavior.
Even though I am not. in essence.
I am allowing him to keep his sh*t and take the blame all on his own. An emotional tirade will not show him the error of his ways it just makes me look like I am a crazy b*tch.
Hmm?
But my heart is stubborn.
* deep breath*
I can do this.
Also this is just the beginning,,,,, FOO issues may get thick and heavy once we get to our Destination. * insert eyes rolling in the back of my head here*
His Foo stuff is almost coming out at the seams right now.
Remember how was on the outs w/ his Family?
Yuck~
But I am going to do my best to smile thru this, and be happy and strong.
WAaaaaaaaaaay easier said than done.

[Delil@h]

Oh yeah , Sorry.
You are very welcome for everything.
No need to thank me, you are there for me too.
I am glad you feel better.

See you are far more resilient than you think,
I am too I just dont know it yet.
* hitting myself on the head , like they do in the v8 commercials*^
Ugh~
Good nite...

[Jayce]

Hey #5, guess I wasn't the only one up late last nite. Big mistake, had Spanish coffee for dessert. Didn't think to ask for decaf. Finished it around 7, didn't fall asleep till 4:30. Paying for it today.

All this time, I've considered going to counseling by myself . Have you? Especially a couple months ago with the tantrums about the sleep apnea & the CPAP (whicn, BTW, he's using most of the nite w/no problem the past 3 weeks). If I hadn't come across the book about dealing w/passive-aggressive man I would have. That helped to understand his actions/reactions & which parts of the "Getting Through...." book worked best. It has also helped a LOT to have you fellow sufferers to vent with. I wish there were a "Getting Through to the Woman You Love" book for you guys.

In the back of the book is a quote from the tombstone of an Anglican bishop in Westminster Abbey:
"When I was young and free and my imagination had no limits, I dreamed of changing the world. As I grew older and wiser, I discovered the world would not change, so I shortened my sights somewhat and decided only to change my country. But it, too, seemed immovable.
As I grew into my twilight years, in one last desperate attempt, I settled for changing only my family, those closest to me, but alas, they would have none of it.
And now as I lie on my deathbed, I suddenly realize: If I had only changed myself first, then by example I would have changed my family. From their inspiration and encouragement, I would then have been able to better my country and, who knows, I may have even changed the world."

Of course, when we're young, who knows anything about changing ourselves, like how or into what. Who knew we needed to? We thought we knew everything.LOL The quote does cause some thoughts tho, not the least of which is, just how big was that tombstone & who did all that carving??? And left out the bishop's name!

In any case, it's possible that going to counseling alone would eventually help you have some peace of mind regarding your needs, your relationship and your decisions about your future. I know our SSM's & HD's take over our thoughts, feelings, skew our perspectives. A real face to face session with a live "sounding board" who knows how to help us keep our thoughts on track and clarify our goals is lots better than living with our own thoughts caroming around in our skulls like squirrels on speed. So many times we realize what we think about something when we hear ourselves talking out loud to someone else.

Have a good Christmas & Happy New Year.
J

[Cinco]

Jayce, it's funny that you are suggesting the same the my mom did yesterday while visiting with her. I was complaining about how W simply refuses to go to MC. She told me I should go by myself and that it would do me good, especially if I am contemplating giving up on the M. I still have insurance which covers C till about May. I think I get 8 visits covered, then 9 and beyond are copay. I should look into it again.... Good Idea!

I am still changing myself for the better, it's all that I can do and I will continue. I know I was talking about spinning out of control the other night, but they are only thoughts and feelings now. No real spin out, feeling much more in control than during my "bad times". I know prayer has a lot to do with that.

I like the tombstone quote. When I was young if someone had told me "your marriage bed will turn cold and it will drive you to drink and cheat", I would have told them they were nuts. Now I would want to know how I could have changed things to avoid ever getting to that point.

Have a GREAT Christmas and New Year Jayce!

Cinco

[Jayce]

Christmas was really good, hope yours was, too. Actually, anniversary, Christmas & B-day were all good.

Speaking of kids, I guess you being close to my kids' age I'm more a mom than a contemporary altho we share a similar problem. I thought it was more common in my generation for marriages to cool way off at least partly cuz back then living together, etc. was so NOT acceptable. A lot of couples got married kinda young cuz it was the only acceptable way to have regular sex w/whomever it was their hormones were raging after at the time--that rosy haze. By the time I was 30, I knew of 15 couples who'd married cuz of pregnancy and only 1-one-couple was still married.

Silly me, who knew the next generation would make mistakes even though they could easily live together before if they wanted to? Psych says we're not completely "grownup" till we're about 35. No guarantee maturity & experience won't change us so much we won't match our partners anymore. Did any of us in our 20's know what we really wanted out of life or how to get it? Easy to go along & not say anything about stuff we weren't sure of, just "trust" that things would work out. Then one day we realize......

Its possible your Dr. can recommend a counselor who would be good with you from knowing your personality & challenges. I've met several psychologists and a few psychiatrists and have seen a wide variety of personalities and approaches. Not all had clinical practices, but the ones I could relate to were the more down-to-earth, logical types. Not so touchy-feely-head in the clouds. Think about what personality you'd look for.

One psychologist told a neat story: Couple came in, H complaining W wouldn't go bowling anymore. They'd met bowling, dated while bowling, bowled on couples league, etc. Psych asked W why she wouldn't go bowling. She said "I hate bowling!!!!!!" Psych asked why, then did she go bowling before marrying? W said "Because that's what everyone told me to do to meet a man & get married." The psych burst out laughing. We can all see why it was funny and what did the W expect.... and know at least one couple like that (baseball, golf, bridge, dancing, whatever)and sure hope to heck it isn't us!

Anyway, go. You don't have anything to lose. Maybe W will realize she can go alone when you do. Pick whomever she likes & not have to talk with you present. Opportunity for clarity. Get a fix on where you are, how you got there, what you want now and for your future. Chasing your thoughts in circles wastes a lot of time. Been there, done that. No perspective possible from inside a circle.

Happy New Year. Love ya, kid
Jayce

[Cinco]

Did any of us in our 20's know what we really wanted out of life or how to get it? Easy to go along & not say anything about stuff we weren't sure of, just "trust" that things would work out. Then one day we realize......

This is so true. Jayce for my W and I, we had 6 years together before we decided to start even trying to have children. We were about 29-30 then. Even with our practically living together a year before marriage and all of our "couple only" time, something went wrong.

By the time we were about 35 we had grown apart. I guess there is just no knowing how things may turn out. Plus relationships are just plain hard work.

I wish all of the SSM bunch here weren't spread all over the country as we are. There are so many good people here that would be great to talk to (typing stuff still doesn't let it out like talking and seeing a compassionate listener does). If I try to talk to a friend about this problem they just can't relate, my best friend just tells me he doesn't know what to say, I don't tell him anymore.

I will look into a C the first of the year. That should be my resolution among other things. You are right... nothing to lose.

You know I think of you more as a big sister Jayce. Lots of love.

Cinco