Making my own good karma!!

[Silent Chrleader]

I am feeling a little sad right now, but that's OK. I had a little talk with my H, which I had not intended to do, and is probably backsliding but I don't really feel sorry I did it.

There is a man at work that I have mentioned here before. He is a very nice guy with whom I have had many conversations, and some light flirtation. He is a single father of a 16 year old girl. He is a very engaging, funny, man, and we have had a standing joke whereby he now owes me 3 drinks and a lunch (not at the same time). Anyway, we have been talking about taking a drive out to the other side of the mountains (4 hrs) so he can look at a vintage motorcycle he is interested it. We've talked about going together and sharing the ride, because the place where the bike is at is very near our "ranch" and I thought it would be a good time for me to pick up some stuff from up there that I want.

Well, my friend (I'll call him J), wants to go this coming weekend. However, H was going to go up to the ranch this weekend to get some of the bigger stuff I wanted (like furniture). Next weekend is no good because that is when I am moving into my apt. So, I ended up going back and forth with H via e-mail to see what plan might work. H picked me up at work so we could discuss it on the ferry.

I should mention that J also told me that name the day this week and we'll do those drinks after work. I named Wednesday although I had not thought about that being New Years Eve. So, not sure about that one.

On the ferry home, I talked with H about my thoughts. Asked if he would feel uncomfortable if we just stopped by the ranch for me to pick up some of the little stuff there that I want. H said he would feel uncomfortable, especially if S17 came with J and me on this drive (which was the original plan since S17 was interested in seeing the vintage motorcycle too).

So, H and I got into a conversation about J and my feelings about the sitch regarding him. H told me that it was just a few drinks and no big deal and not to overthink it. I told him that wasn't the point. I told him I really like J, and that I was no longer willing to wait around with my life on hold and possibly throw away something good. I told him that I was not looking for another relationship and still felt the same as I always have about my commitment to our marriage, but that I wanted to be upfront and honest about these issues. I told him that J was a very good person and I wouldn't want to lead him on, so I had concerns about how I wanted to go forward. H told me that he really appreciated how strong I've been and how I've "handled everything" (this surprised me), and I thanked him for the compliment.

I told H that I had a lot of concern for him, that I no longer agree with his values or lack thereof. I told him that the truth was that I did not want the man he has become, and that it breaks my heart to see both his children not want to have anything to do with him. He said he felt that would change as S17 grows up. He said he really appreciates what I am able to give the kids, and he wished he still had it but he just doesn't. I told him, well that was his choice and I couldn't make it for him or change his mind so while I disagree and am very disappointed that he does not appear to be the honorable man I thought he was, I must accept his choice. I told him that I was strong and I knew I would be OK.

I asked H to promise me one thing and that was that IF he ever felt he'd made a mistake, that he would not let pride or shame stand in his way of telling me so. He said he could definitely promise me that. I also told him that I really hoped he figured himself out some day. And he said that he hoped so too. And then he said that he has every intention of continuing IC for himself.

Before I got out of the car, I turned to him and said I really had NO intention of getting into this talk and that my plan for 2009 was to just go on with my life and make it the best I could and leave the past in the past and the future to itself. I then took H's hand and told him that I would always care for him, until the day I die, and that I wanted him to be happy. He squeezed my hand and said that he would always care for me and wants me to be happy too. Then he said, "It's just for a couple of drinks. Go and have fun. You deserve it." Then he smiled at me and I smiled back.

I love this man with all my heart, or at least the man that I know is inside him. He really does have a beautiful soul. I just wish he could see it and not be so afraid of it.

Be that as it may, I am living my life for me now (and my kids). And I am going to do my best to find the happy.

OK, so do you all think I'm nuts! Let the 2x4's fly....