I am moving on without her, not is spite of her. But my path is my path right now. He has told me to do what I am doing now. But I am having serious doubts that this will be restored. I am starting to wonder to what ends this will go. I have endured 5 months of absolute pain and hope and faith. I have changed my life equivalent to moving mountains. will i last a year, I doubt it. I didn't think I'd last this long. I have no intention of being alone emotionally or physically for 10 years . I will not waste my life "what if'ng" myself. I cannot detach from her unless this fury continues. I cannot get past any of this without this fury. I have to let her go forever, because if it is not forever, I keep waiting for signs around every corner, if its forever, then my waiting is over. I am becoming numb to the one thing I have ever loved this deeply. I will never have this again, not in a millin lifetimes. this pain is too much to endure, let alone go thru again. In my mind I have to let this end, in my heart and in my soul, it will be eternally alive. But my hope in our reconciliation is all but gone. I have restored faith and hope in god and pray He guides me thru to a place and someone that will love me, unconditionally, as I have loved her. I am not giving up, I just chose to walk alone for now, no looking back, no kicking over stones, just putting miles behind me. I will live for me and only me (kids obviously). I will get a better job, better pay and a better overall outlook. I doubt she will get to see me with any of those. i will do nothing to hurt her. But i longer believe this is some "thing" she is going thru. I believe she has become this and realizes she must see it thru becasue she can't go back, she thinks....I have not given her that impression, she will most likely start seeing it over the coming weeks. I cannot embrace what I cannot consider, quitting drinking and going back to church were easy for me. Getting my financial situation up to par was not that difficult. This I can no longer fathom. My post is pathetic, and I need a 2X4, her mind is set, of that I have no doubt. My hope is fading that the two of us will ever be "us" again. That is why I must let go completely, forever. everyone has someone, I have no one. I do not deserve this, she will deserve her ends, life will dictate that consequence to her. She can "what if" her life straight to hell. I will no longer what if, there ar eno more kisses, no more images, nothing of her. all that remains are memories, and the ones in my head are not pleasant. I will be dark, dark as a moonless windy night. She will be left to wonder. I will take a few weeks to really get myself up to speed, then we will see what we will see. I pray to God I am wrong in my thinking, that this is just a dark patch as 25year has said. I hope it passes and my hope is restored. But right now if I had the money, she'd be served tomorrow. and I don't think it would bother her one way or the other. It would be another justification, just like everything else. another justification. Everything is her justification. I have put this in god's hands becasue I saw this day coming. I saw it and hated it. I knew it would come. Now, only He can convince me otherwise. Its funny, I would've given my life for hers, I would've given everything for her, and in the end she took it all and pissed on it right in front of me and my whole family and friends. And I still defended her and hoped and prayed and had fiath in her coming back. I do not see myself lasting as long as most of the people here. there is no me, there is nothing, there is LonelyD, the best person he could be, only. Yeah I'm proud of that. I truly am, but at the end of the day....It hurts too much not to feel this way right now...I need to put the miles behind me and not look back. Let her road to me be as painful and hard as mine has been to this point. and then let her know there was a clearer more direct path. She has chosen her poison, she has drank it, she can live with who she is and has become, then I want nothing to do with her.
