Dear DBer's, I doubt many of you remember me because I haven't posted here in a long time. Nor was I a "success story" such that my old threads are posted on any of the "READ THIS" archives.
But I felt compelled to come back to share with those of you who might be interested that "success" post-bomb takes many forms. If you open your heart and mind to the possibilities, you may discover that the message of DB is really about finding yourself in the process of trying to find a way to save your marriage.
For those who don't remember my story, it was a pretty classic MLC how-to book. The bomb seemed to come out of nowhere at the time, although, in retrospect and with the benefit of knowledge gleaned here, I realize there was a pretty typical lead up.
My exhusband was one of those on the fast track, hellbent to get out and get divorced, and seemed to be under the impression if he moved quickly, no one would really notice the scorched earth he was leaving behind. Also, we were both lawyers so we were not at the mercy of a legal system that tends to jerk you lay folks around. We knew, for better or worse, how to get in and get out.
And we didn't have children together so didn't have those issues to prolong our contact with one another or complicate our divorce proceedings. But then, I have often thought, the speed and relative ease with which it all happened helped facilitate my healing.
But what really helped facilitate it, and helped me move on with my life, was giving my life over to God.
Having faith in His plan for me.
Living in the present, and making the most of it, not dwelling with regret on the past or looking with longing toward the future.
Being grateful for every single thing and every person in my life, and every opportunity, even my trials and tribulations, and forcing myself to look with gratitude at what my marriage and my exhusband had given me despite the fact that our marriage ended.
Finding compassion and eventually forgiveness in my heart for my exhusband, and yes, expressing that to him (long after we divorced and with no expectations of a response, which I didn't receive) and finding forgiveness for myself.
Being content and again, finding the blessings in every day.
Reaching out to others less fortunate and giving of myself and all that I have been given in service to others.
Valuing myself, my time, my abilities...taking care of me, my health, my spiritual and physical wellbeing.
I don't mean to try to sound preachy or smug or like I have all the answers, certainly not. And I, just like many of you, have occasional low moments, or times when I backslide and get angry or pissy about what happened to me. I make a crass remark about my ex or the OW. I pout and stomp when I have to unstop a clogging sink or deal with a dead battery. I cuss when I get some piece of mail addressed to my ex or encounter some debt of his on my credit report.
But the good news is, it doesn't last. I pray for help, I ask for strength, I focus on how blessed I am, and it goes away.
Let me tell you exactly how my life has changed: Shortly after my exhusband dropped the bomb, I considered running away...finding a new job, new town, leaving it all behind. But instead, I stuck, I stayed put. I even decided I wanted our home, a farm, and was determined to find a way to keep it and stay there. And I did, I assumed our mortgage, I hired people to help me keep it up, I made changes to it to make it beautiful and make it mine.
And then, at almost the exact moment that I surveyed my new life and thought how wonderful it was, I got a call asking me if I would be willing to apply for a job....my dream job. And, with no expectations and nothing to lose, I did...and I got the job, I was moved by my new company to a new state, I sold my farm at a modest profit (yes, in this lousy housing market), I bought a new house, and I was quickly promoted. I have a fabulous job, opportunity for travel, new friends, a new wonderful life, am closer to my family...it's hard to describe how incredible all of this is, but none of it would have been possible but for the changes in my life brought about by my exhusband's meltdown.
Life is good. And with all these changes, some things haven't changed. I still love my dogs, and my horses, and being outdoors. I still love the South, and Southern cooking, still say "y'all" and "bless your heart". I still count the days 'til Spring Training, and think "Bull Durham" is the best love story ever made. My favorite team is number one in the country right now, as it should be. I still go to church on Sunday, like my tea sweet, and think that barbeque should be vinegar rather than tomato based. And I still believe that I had the best my exhusband had to give for the years that we were together, and I was the best thing that ever happened to him.
Where is he, I am sure some of you are asking? I am really not sure, nor am I terribly curious about it, but I hear periodically that he is still stuck in our old town (after insisting when he left me that he was moving to FL), has changed jobs (not for the better), lives in a crappy apartment, still has a relationship with the OW but she's in FL and he has never moved to be closer to her...people who see him say he looks terrible, like he has some sort of illness. His professional and personal reputation is ruined. His relationship with his family and friends, and most importantly, his son, have all been compromised by this...most of them, especially his son, stay in regular and close contact with me.
I really think about him very little, and often when I do, I think what a relief that he is no longer my problem. Don't misunderstand, I loved him with all my heart and we had a very special relationship. But I also know that so much of me took a back seat to everything about him...and I don't have the obligation to do that any more. And look at my life now...there's no way I'd go back.
Please read that again...there's no way I'd go back. Those aren't the words of a bitter, angry woman. Those are the words of someone who put her faith in God that whatever He had in store for her, she would be fine...and that has proven to be the case.
Yes, I suffered a loss, but I didn't endure that loss alone. Nor do I dwell on it because there's too much to be grateful for. I have a full and wonderful life now, living out so many of my dreams and with countless opportunities to do meaningful and wonderful things. Will my life ever again include the love of a man? Who knows? Again, I don't dwell on it. I try to live only in the present, having faith that whatever I might contemplate for myself, what God has in mind for me is so much better.
I would be remiss here if I didn't say that God also gave me the gift of this place. Like many of you, I found this place a source of comfort and strength. I met some incredible people through this board. Three of the most cherished women in my life are among them. Lissie, Always_14, and Valentine have given me so much. We have shared and cried and laughed; they have been with me through my highest highs and lowest lows. Treasure the gifts of the friendships you find here, and know that they will always be among the most special because of the time that these people came into your life and the bond that you share because of it.
So I guess I will wrap up and end by saying that I came back, to say to you, have faith. Believe that your situation, which seems so painful and so dark and so dire, does not have to be an ending. It can be a beginning. It can, in fact, be an unprecedented opportunity to grow in ways you have never imagined. To do things you never thought you could do, to experience things about which you have only dreamed.
"When you get to the end of all the light you know and it's time to step out into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing that one of two things shall happen: Either you will be given something firm upon which to stand on, or you will be taught to fly." ~Edward Teller
Have faith. besos, BaseballMyFanny
P.S. Chappy if you're out there, I need a drink and a warm towel.
