I posted it because it is what I feel right now. It is brutually aweful feeling. It is dark, I know the other one is working overtime on me, I can feel him pulling at me. God knows how I feel, God knows what I want and God knows I will fight with everything I have. But am I confused on what I am fighting for. I am doing more for my home my kids my everything. It is making me a better person, God knows I know that. I hold my head up high I am proud of what I have done in spite of all this crap. But I want my fight to have an end. This is an endless fight, I have no corner, there is no bell. I don't want to give up. Just walk away like she did. That leaves too big of a "what if" and as I said earleir I can't live with "what ifs".
25year, this is a nightmare I cannot wake up from, this is really happening to me. It is eating me like a cancer with no cure in sight. I don't want hopeful words from friends who say she'll be back. I don't want the nay sayers telling me its over, kick her to the curb and move on with someone else. I know why I like being alone lately. those things I just mentioned, ones fill me with false hope and the other crushes what hope I have left. I walk a very thin line with my sanity lately. But waht am I to believe about her, is she really going through something, I'm starting to wonder. Is she really or is it just that she turned out to be an assh&*(! Terrible thing to say, but I'm the one caught in this drama, I seem to be the one suffering the most. My kids hurt, of that there is no doubt, but there is no pain in her, none. I firmly believe that. She calls my D17 everyday, that makes her a mother. She calls the others when she gets the chance, that makes her a mother. I want AmyC and the others to be right, I pray to God and His glory that they are right, because I am starting to believe it isn't. My W has pushed this too far in her own mind and sees no other choice but to mire on and hope for the best. When and if her crash comes, it will be painful to her. But unless this darkness passes, I will not be there to see it, pick her up or help her, she will be at the curb and I will be on the hill lookng down and shaking my head. Do you realize that right now I want to better myself so far up the mountain that I can't go back and she will never reach me. So that she can go thru her pathetic life saying, wow, that could've been me, what did I do. And how pathetic of me to think that way about something I love so much. I have to, because if I don't I cannot let her go forever.
