WAW - Possible MLC I need help, WAWs advice III

[25yearsmlc]

LD,

I really hear your pain and have been there my friend. It's a crappy dark place to be. But it doesn't last forever, and it isn't fatal. Remember that, and you are not alone.
j-

[LonelyD]

I posted it because it is what I feel right now. It is brutually aweful feeling. It is dark, I know the other one is working overtime on me, I can feel him pulling at me. God knows how I feel, God knows what I want and God knows I will fight with everything I have. But am I confused on what I am fighting for. I am doing more for my home my kids my everything. It is making me a better person, God knows I know that. I hold my head up high I am proud of what I have done in spite of all this crap. But I want my fight to have an end. This is an endless fight, I have no corner, there is no bell. I don't want to give up. Just walk away like she did. That leaves too big of a "what if" and as I said earleir I can't live with "what ifs".

25year, this is a nightmare I cannot wake up from, this is really happening to me. It is eating me like a cancer with no cure in sight. I don't want hopeful words from friends who say she'll be back. I don't want the nay sayers telling me its over, kick her to the curb and move on with someone else. I know why I like being alone lately. those things I just mentioned, ones fill me with false hope and the other crushes what hope I have left. I walk a very thin line with my sanity lately. But waht am I to believe about her, is she really going through something, I'm starting to wonder. Is she really or is it just that she turned out to be an assh&*(! Terrible thing to say, but I'm the one caught in this drama, I seem to be the one suffering the most. My kids hurt, of that there is no doubt, but there is no pain in her, none. I firmly believe that. She calls my D17 everyday, that makes her a mother. She calls the others when she gets the chance, that makes her a mother. I want AmyC and the others to be right, I pray to God and His glory that they are right, because I am starting to believe it isn't. My W has pushed this too far in her own mind and sees no other choice but to mire on and hope for the best. When and if her crash comes, it will be painful to her. But unless this darkness passes, I will not be there to see it, pick her up or help her, she will be at the curb and I will be on the hill lookng down and shaking my head. Do you realize that right now I want to better myself so far up the mountain that I can't go back and she will never reach me. So that she can go thru her pathetic life saying, wow, that could've been me, what did I do. And how pathetic of me to think that way about something I love so much. I have to, because if I don't I cannot let her go forever.

[FaithfulH]

Do you realize that right now I want to better myself so far up the mountain that I can't go back and she will never reach me. So that she can go thru her pathetic life saying, wow, that could've been me, what did I do. And how pathetic of me to think that way about something I love so much. I have to, because if I don't I cannot let her go forever.

LonelyD,

This is NOT detachment...this is NOT love. The goal isn't to "let her go forever". There is another marriage restoration website (that I won't name to avoid any problems with the moderators) that uses the term "prodigal" to describe the WAS. They are not gone forever...just gone for a time.....just like the prodigal son of the bible. When the prodigal son came home, how did the father treat him? He treated him as if he had never left. You have a long way to go to forgive your W....if today's posts are any evidence. What if you had to do this for another week...another month...another year....10 years? How long are you in for? I have several friends who have been "standing" for their marriages for more than 10 years. I know.....it sounds kinda sad....until you think about the suffering that our Lord endured for our behalf. What if we are called to "share in the sufferings of Christ"? There is a book written about marriage that says "maybe marriage was meant to refine us"! I know you said in an earlier post that you were revisiting the detachment site I sent you....I would suggest you look at it daily. Detachment doesn't mean you are trying to leave your spouse behind. If you were detached, you would be working on becoming the best "you" possible with no regard for her....not to spite her. I hope AmyC stops by....she's swings a better 2X4 than I and I'm thinking you could use a little whack about now! If you give up now, years from now nobody (your family) will remember you stood for awhile. I have to tell you that after my bomb....I thought I would die if she didn't come back in a few hours....then a few days...then a few weeks...then a few months.....so our separation of nearly a year seemed like an eternity to me (although many here have endured far more). After 18 awesome months of restoration....that year seems like a distant memory.....God moved the mountain! He will move yours too!

[LonelyD]

I am moving on without her, not is spite of her. But my path is my path right now. He has told me to do what I am doing now. But I am having serious doubts that this will be restored. I am starting to wonder to what ends this will go. I have endured 5 months of absolute pain and hope and faith. I have changed my life equivalent to moving mountains. will i last a year, I doubt it. I didn't think I'd last this long. I have no intention of being alone emotionally or physically for 10 years . I will not waste my life "what if'ng" myself. I cannot detach from her unless this fury continues. I cannot get past any of this without this fury. I have to let her go forever, because if it is not forever, I keep waiting for signs around every corner, if its forever, then my waiting is over. I am becoming numb to the one thing I have ever loved this deeply. I will never have this again, not in a millin lifetimes. this pain is too much to endure, let alone go thru again. In my mind I have to let this end, in my heart and in my soul, it will be eternally alive. But my hope in our reconciliation is all but gone. I have restored faith and hope in god and pray He guides me thru to a place and someone that will love me, unconditionally, as I have loved her. I am not giving up, I just chose to walk alone for now, no looking back, no kicking over stones, just putting miles behind me. I will live for me and only me (kids obviously). I will get a better job, better pay and a better overall outlook. I doubt she will get to see me with any of those. i will do nothing to hurt her. But i longer believe this is some "thing" she is going thru. I believe she has become this and realizes she must see it thru becasue she can't go back, she thinks....I have not given her that impression, she will most likely start seeing it over the coming weeks. I cannot embrace what I cannot consider, quitting drinking and going back to church were easy for me. Getting my financial situation up to par was not that difficult. This I can no longer fathom. My post is pathetic, and I need a 2X4, her mind is set, of that I have no doubt. My hope is fading that the two of us will ever be "us" again. That is why I must let go completely, forever. everyone has someone, I have no one. I do not deserve this, she will deserve her ends, life will dictate that consequence to her. She can "what if" her life straight to hell. I will no longer what if, there ar eno more kisses, no more images, nothing of her. all that remains are memories, and the ones in my head are not pleasant. I will be dark, dark as a moonless windy night. She will be left to wonder. I will take a few weeks to really get myself up to speed, then we will see what we will see. I pray to God I am wrong in my thinking, that this is just a dark patch as 25year has said. I hope it passes and my hope is restored. But right now if I had the money, she'd be served tomorrow. and I don't think it would bother her one way or the other. It would be another justification, just like everything else. another justification. Everything is her justification. I have put this in god's hands becasue I saw this day coming. I saw it and hated it. I knew it would come. Now, only He can convince me otherwise. Its funny, I would've given my life for hers, I would've given everything for her, and in the end she took it all and pissed on it right in front of me and my whole family and friends. And I still defended her and hoped and prayed and had fiath in her coming back. I do not see myself lasting as long as most of the people here. there is no me, there is nothing, there is LonelyD, the best person he could be, only. Yeah I'm proud of that. I truly am, but at the end of the day....It hurts too much not to feel this way right now...I need to put the miles behind me and not look back. Let her road to me be as painful and hard as mine has been to this point. and then let her know there was a clearer more direct path. She has chosen her poison, she has drank it, she can live with who she is and has become, then I want nothing to do with her.

[thrillisgone]

LD Brother! I've kept up with your thread but have purposely kept silent for fear of projecting my garbage into your situation.
I've got to say that I'm proud of you and that you have done a tremendous job and come a long ways. Don't give up and melt down now. I know the past 5 months have been pure hell. I've been there....and more. You knew and were told that this was likely to be a marathon and not a sprint. 5 months is nothing. I guy like you can do another 10 months standing on your head. Hell 18 months is considered a short time. 2-5 years is the much discussed range of time. Sounds like alot of time and it is. But compared to the time you guys had together it is nothing. What is the payoff here? Spending the rest of your life with the one person on this earth you really truly love. Living out your life here on earth with that special person.
If ever I thought someone could do this it is you. You're still married. There is still contact. There is still civility. There is still love. The chance is still there. It is early in the game. Don't walk off the field and forfeit.

Don't think she is "going through something"? Think again. Very little that she has done has been rational. Again, the issues we all face or faced in marriage notwithstanding, if this were about the marriage, the rational thing to do would be to work on the marriage. It isn't. It is about her.

There are no guarantees. Your part in this is love, faith and courage. You have all three my friend.

[25yearsmlc]

Ask God for one of two things; the restoration of your M, or the strength and will to live well without that. It's HIS will that you must pray for, yet you CAN and should ask for HIS strength to get you through whatever comes. He will do that, no matter what the outcome of the M, He will get you there.

Hang on, you'll see. We HAVE been there and gotten to the other side.
j

[FaithfulH]

LonelyD,

I'm sorry but I woke up and couldn't stop thinking about you and your sitch. I'm trying not to get too upset...but, much of what you wrote is so wrong....and out of character for you. Don't you see it? Is this God? Clearly not!

her mind is set, of that I have no doubt.

...if you can read minds, we could make some serious money in the stock market! What happened to believing "none of what they say and half of what they do"?

My hope is fading that the two of us will ever be "us" again. That is why I must let go completely, forever.

I thought your hope was in Christ....not your W. If what your W does drives your hope, you're in for a long ride.

everyone has someone, I have no one.

What about the millions who have endured separation, marital discord, and D in this country alone? What about the thousands of DBers? Do they all "have someone"? What about your children? What about your in-laws? Does their love not matter? And what about THE ONE? His love is supposed to be sufficient! His love IS sufficient!

I do not deserve this, she will deserve her ends,

Did you ever hear the term "life ain't fair"? Well, sometimes it isn't! I've heard it said "character is what you do when nobody is looking". Dig deep, Brother....you have the character! Lean on God to get you through this pit!

life will dictate that consequence to her. She can "what if" her life straight to hell.

Since when did you become her judge, jury, executioner? Re-read your posts from yesterday....do they sound like they came from a professed follower of Christ?

Here is the most prominent direction we get from God regarding our roles as husbands:

Ephesians 5:25-30 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church - for we are members of his body.

....and finally you leave us with this crappy image of the garbage you let get into your head:

I will no longer what if, there are no more kisses, no more images, nothing of her. all that remains are memories, and the ones in my head are not pleasant.

So you say you are asking God what to do next? Ask Him how to rectify this word from His book with your thoughts and actions today....please?

Galatians 5:16-25 So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature. For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under law.
The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.

Dear, Lord...my prayer tonight is that YOU show up in a big way to bring LonelyD out of the grips of the enemy. Show him the way YOU would have him think, act, and live according to YOUR will! Amen

[FaithfulH]

One final thing:

Lord, I pray that YOU give LonelyD NO rest! I pray you disturb his sleep....you give him no peace....as you say in YOUR word!...until he is fully inside YOUR will! Amen

LonelyD, I am not trying to be vindictive....I love you as a brother....and I want the Lord to rule and reign over your life!

I'm going to sleep now....may the peace I have enter your life!

[LonelyD]

T'Gone, thanks, I have missed you. FH, Thank you, by the way, you got your prayer answered, I don't remember sleep, not all week, not since Xmas night.

I have great Hope and Faith in God, there is no doubt there. I feel I must let her go. I can't keep asking questions that there are no answers too. I prayed and talked to Him all night. All I got were images of "Them" together. It is what filled my head since Xmas till this morning. the images are fading. Because my memory of her is fading. I dreamt briefly of her going to the New Years Party, and me not going because she was there. I told everyone I was glad that they were still friends with her and tha tI would not complicate things and put them in the middle. I thanked them for the friendship and kindness they had shown me and wished them all well in their lives. Yes, this is the first dream in a long time I have remembered, it is not pleasant. It is a dream of leaving all my friends because they are with her, she has disrupted and destroyed everything in my life, The dream meaning in this is clear. I will call a couple of my buddies tonight about tomorrow night. If there is any indication that she will be attending, I will bow out gracefully. I will send the money for my ticket, but will not attend. In dreams this vivi, it is hard not to see the truth. Yes, within me there is enormous conflict. No I have not forgiven as I had thought. I am not sur eI will or want to anymore. I asked God to send me something, somethought some gesture that these toguhts I have now are just a dark spot, a venting of emotion to get to the other side. there is no answer. I prayed last night for Him to forgive these thought sa nd asked Him if I am right, am I to walk alone and get the miles behind me or do I toil and clear the road so the path is clear and paved as 25year has said. No answer. I prayed harder than ever last night, no answer. The thoughts in my head are ending and melting away to blurrs. I am too nice and good of a person to be walked on while she goes through this. Who knows, in the end, maybe I'll still be there, I don't know. But I know this, she has been going through something for 2+ years. I begged her to talk with me, I got nothing, she made me feel as if everything was my fault tha tI was a filure that I was second place. Well guess what, In her head, heart and soul I was. Her opinion matters less to me than anything. the hurt and pain I lived with, the jealousy of her flirting, her seeming distant to me. Yeah, all that was in my head, BS! I spent this past weekend really thinking and searching my heart, soul and mind for reasons. There are none. She turned me against myself, made me something others didn't like, I believe she knew damn well what she was doing so that would justify her leaving me, because I was a jealous, loud mouthed drunk....Everyone had told me how I had changed, boy, she is good. But then she left, felt happy with her screwing my life into the ground. Felt she was now above me, no matter what she did, I was a piece of sh@#! She would always look good compared to me. Well, I changed, I changed back to the person everyone liked and loves to be around. i changed thngs in my life that took me down that path. I found God, and He loves me and He guides me and gives me strength. I do not know His plan in this. All I know is that I feel relived and hurt at the same time. I want to hear His word on this. If going down the road alone now is His will, then that is where I will go. I believe it is. I need to walk alone. I believeHe wants me to do this, to maybe gain clarity over my mind right now. My heart and soul ache over this, trust me, posting what I posted yesterday did not make me feel good. But I have to be honest with all of you as to what I am going through if I am to get advice that will help me. The images in my head of them have increased and have become more of a distraction to me. The dream about me wlking away from my friends because she is now back in their lives was all too vivid. If I find she is planning on atending this party, then it will be the end of all of it. My dreams carry much weight. It is His way of talking to me.

As AmyC has said, even though I say I have no expectations from her, I do. As long as I love her and hold out Hope, I will. I cannot live my life that way. I see no other choice for me then to let her go and get her out of my life. We will never be friends, we will never be anything. We will be strangers, as we are now, but even more distant. Over time I am sure I will tolerate her presence around my family, but not for long. there will be no kisses, no hugs , no signs of emotions. We will be strangers passing on opposite sides of the road. It hurts me to type this, but I made a pact with myself that if it is not positive and helping me, then I will remove it from my path. I hold out hope that He will give me what I have asked for. FH, in your posting you quoted living in the Spirit and the Sinners. that is me and her right now. No more opposite could we be. Opposites attract in the world of eletro-magnetics, not in life.

I am going to see my cousin this Saturday and I am looking forward to it. I have my New Years eve party with friends tha tI will now be very uncomfortable at because she has visited with these friends and most liely told them the whole "we" are done, "They" are the new "us" and she wants them to accept him into their lives so they can all be great friends. I know that conversation took place, don't ask me how, I just do. I will not pursue the contents of their time together, I will enjoy my time with them knowing that my dreams cast a shadow ont he those friendships remaining.

A very dark cloud has covered me.....He has not come to me in a while, nor have I heard His word. The service on Sunday was about the holy family. Be as the Holy Family. I would love to be, but I have no wife, married?, you have got to be kidding me. The ring is still on my finger, but I am having thoughts of putting it away forever. Nothing feels right to me anymore. My mind has been telling me things it wants to hear. The only reality in this sitch is the one I am living. I cannot start another year the way this one ends. I cannot look out of the horizon of a new dawn of a new year and see that road paved with thorns and questions.

"Life will dictate her consequences" this is a fact. she made her choices, she drank her poison. I am not her judge and jury. I am simply stating the reality to this fantasy she lives in. Her world will eventually fall. Whether she is "going through something" or not. In the end she will be judged, but not by me, by Him. He loves everyone so I am sure she will not be kept from Him, but I doubt He will let her in without revealing the things she had done to destroy so many lives including her own. I wil thank her for making me the best person ever and driving me to successes I never dreamed of. things she will see someday, but never be part of. And she will "what if" and "if only" her whole life going from one miserable failed experience to the next.

As i said, I never thoguth I would make it this far or last this long. It remains to be seen how long my being will tolerate this situaiton and accept it. I have my 9's, I have goals for the coming year. Sadly, other than me blanking her out of my life, she has no current part in it. I am detaching from her completely, because I can't do it half way. I love her too much to not do this. If I can't have her love and have her as part of my life, then I want none of her. I will not live my life seeing her happy in the arms of other men. That is a vision I clearly cannot live with. There is nothing I can do to change her , to fix her or to sway her. I will not sit by and "watch" and wait until her desires with everyone else are met and then she will come to me, second place again, used and tired until the next thing or soemone comes along. When she crashes, hopefully she will do what I have done and reflect on her choice she will be strong enough to see the damage and pain she has inflicted on everyone around her. And I hope she sees the damage she did to me, especially me. the man who loved her beyond the word itself, that she will ee that I loved her unconditionally and truly and deeply with all my heart and soul and being. Let her swallow that pill. I will be quite honest I don't see it happening. that pain would be too much too bear and she will just skip on to the next relationship and bed that comes along, once again trying to find that love she had once, to never find it. No, I don't think much of her right now, not the slightest. This dark cloud has given me voice to say what I have needed to say, out loud for my mind to release. To what end I needed to do this is anyone's guess. I am dark right now, very dark. I need to walk alone down this road that God has put me on. I need to empty my mind of her and get clarity. All that I had for her is ebbing away. if all I have in my head is images of her and him, then let those images be damned. If my only memories of her now are of her with him, then let those memories be damned. and if there is no image or memory of her, then I I truly have released her forever. My God watch over her, I 'm not going to.

[LonelyD]

What I want right now T'Gone is of little consequence. Everyone who knows me knows what I want. But I am doubting it will ever come to fruition. The dark images I was seeing over the past 3-4 days have been intense to say the least. the images of them are just to intense. I thought I was on the road to forgiveness, I agree with FH, if these posts are true, then I am not even in the same playing field as forgiveness. And now dreaming of losing my firends, my best friends!!!! that is intensely painful, but my dreams are my dreams. I don't want this to continue, but she shows no signs of letting up and it seems her feelings for the OM are increasing by the way she is trying to bring him more into her life and her families. I think that is enough of a sign in itself. I do doubt she is going through anything , she has just become this person, one I don't like and don't want in my life at any level. Sucks, it really sucks, maybe someday, like she told her firneds, two years from now, she will be back with me. Damn her for stting that time line on my emotions. If that is her attitude and she feels she can just waltz back in, she can go to Hell!!!