Hi Veronica, That sounds like a great approach - I'll give it a try the next time he brings up any questions.
I've been kind of wrecked with emotions today...and again I'm not really sure why...I think it part it was just having to talk about the situation with my father's family...in part it was also just the prospect of heading back to LA in a couple days. Other than my kids (and my W), I really don't have any family out there - I have some good friends...but they won't be back in town until mid January...at least I have to leave town for work again on January 6 - which should be a good distraction for about a week.
I talked with my sister a bit about the emotions running through me - and she suggested I might just be in another stage of the mourning process - this time going through the process of letting go of the memories I had with my wife here...at my mom's house, at my father's house, and at places around town. I grew up here - but I have more memories from my time visiting with my W than from my childhood...
I started to feel just slightly overwhelmed today by the massive changes that are coming my way - moving, finding a new job, going back into academics, letting go of my W...just so many things are going to change in such a big way...
I was reading the idea of being an unconditional friend that you referred to, Veronica, and I sometimes wish I had more opportunities to do that - to be there as her friend - but we're still at the stage where she won't talk with me about anything...I'm still kind of dark - not talking pursuing at all, no R/M talk - no talk really about anything but our son and finances...and I worry that I might be letting her drift further away - but then again, when I think back to where we were, I don't think she could really drift that much further without falling off the planet...
No one knows how long it takes for a WAS to take notice of what is missing...so I don't want to push it...and I don't want to make a mess of anything...I still have it in the back of my mind that I am ready for D should it come up - but it's still not what I want to happen...I've even given a lot of thought to asking my W if she would be interesting in a Retrouvaille weekend...which, oddly enough, would be a huge 180 from me - since I'm not given to that kind of stuff at all - and am also not a religious person by any stretch of the imagination...from what I've read though - their approach seems to make a lot of sense...and also seems to be a place for real dialog.
And as I write this stuff, I ask myself - are you nuts? Have you forgotten what she's going through? That you are not the problem - and that she has to travel this journey as she must? No, I've not forgotten any of that - and I still won't ask her to go to retrouvaille with me - I just want to suggest she look into it...in case she might have a breakthrough some months from now - just so she knows there's another option out there.
It's just so very strange...I've gone dark - so too has she - and it makes me want to talk with her more - it makes me want to open up to her, ask her about her day...be her friend...but it doesn't seem to do anything like that for her - and so I know that I have to wait - and not push it - be patient and continue to focus on what I have to do...I just feel so worn out by it sometimes...and that's also part of the reason I think I find myself opening up to the idea of D more and more (and even convinced myself of it just a few days ago)...it would just put this stage to an end, in a way, so that I can move on more directly...though, from the pain in my heart, I know that it's still not what I want...since, despite all the pain of the last few months, despite the abusive behavior and the drama...I find that I still love her...does that just make me a glutton for punishment? No...it's mostly because my love for her has a way of remembering the best times we shared - her smile, her laughter, her kindness, her intelligence and wit...I guess the difference now - is that I love these aspects of her - without feeling the need to "fix" the other parts of her...ah well...enough of that...time to work again...
