I'm sure I'm going to get raked over the coals by A In Ohio, so I'm all prepared...
I get kids for the night on Mondays. Picked up S6 tonight - let D8 stay with W because she was sick, and didn't want to drag her out in this. Took S6 to his basketball camp, we went to Burger King, library, watched TV, played Wii, great time!
Anyway, I texted W, because S6 has a wee little MP3 player, and he was singing at the top of his lungs, and she sent back a grin.
A nice "light" thing, and didn't send anything else - had not communicated before this.
Then the fun started!
W: "When are you dropping of kids on Thursday" (NY Eve)
Me: "I am bringing Friday morning"
W: ":( Can I have them early - like Thursday afternoon. I got free tickets to the zoo"
Me: "Can't you go Tuesday night or Wednesday night?"
W: "No."
Me: "You previously refused family time, but want to take MY time?"
W: "You are getting extra time - I want to have kids when I want them, and I just don't want to be around you."
(Here's where I tried 180 and DBing - not sure if I went overboard?)
Me: "I am not getting 'extra' time, I am getting my time - the same time you will get next year. I'm sorry you have hard feelings towards me."
I decided to work with her on this, because she is really good about letting me have extra time. I want to be firm but reasonable. I felt like at this point I had clearly established that MY time was MY time, and she was not controlling it.
W calls me: All weepy, and she says I don't have the money to do fun stuff, and you get to do fun stuff all the time with the kids, and I want them to be able to have fun with me." This went on for probably 2 minutes.
I waited patiently until she finished, and I said, "W, I can fully understand that you feel frustrated, and I can see why it would bother you, but everything you just described is a result of your choices.
(You'll have to imagine spit flying, and emphasis on every word) W: "And I'm SO happy with my choices"
Then she said she had to get her purse, and hung up.
I was at a basketball gym and could barely hear her, so after I left I texted, and said I was out and had a signal now, so she was welcome to call. I offered to swap Tuesday night for Thursday night. She texted me, and said "No, everything is fine."
So she texted me "I am going to get the kids on Thursday. At 5. Thank you for your cooperation. Me and D8 are going to BW3 (wings restaurant)"
I texted back "No. I checked my email, and suggested I have them that day, and you said OK." (I was willing to work with her, but not be dictated to) I also said, "I am willing to discuss alternatives. Have fun at BW3s!"
I then texted her: "The chipotle sauce is really good, not too spicy"
W: "Fine, I have let you have them many times, but no more, from now on I will keep them all of my days."
(Funny note: I have probably kept them for her 40 or 50 times in the past 6 months, she may have watched them for me 5 or 6 times)
Me: "I have kept them many times for you. I realize you are upset, and I wish it wasn't so."
Me: "As a result of your choices, things are going to get more and more difficult. I understand you said you were happy with your decisions, and I'm glad to see you happy!"
W: "I have always worked with you, and you are not nice."
Me: "I'm sorry you feel I'm not nice. I offered to cancel MY zoo plans and let you pick up the kids a little early on Thursday in return for me keeping next Tues? I understand your choices have made life difficult, and I want the kids to have fun w/ you too" (Yeah, I know this probably wasn't the best)
W called me, and I ignored her - texted her that I was at the library.
Then I remembered she was going to BW3, and D8 was supposed to be sick - so I asked if D8 was feeling better.
W: "Yes, I am folding laundry and we are leaving - she wants it"
Me: "I'm glad she's feeling better - y'all can have a couple of beers and watch football, hyuck hyuck"
Still haven't called her back.
OK, let me have it. I tried to validate every negative feeling. I don't like saying "I'm sorry you feel that way" The "I'm sorry" doesn't sound sincere - so am looking for a better phrase.
Before you unleash too much - this was a HUGE 180 for me. I maintained complete control, and even took advantage of her whining to point out that it was her choice - you can see by her response that it MAJORLY POed her.
