Thanks Forrest for pointing out what I did not see face-to-face.. I told him in October after the last incident.. he needed to find his own.. he was not happy with the one we saw for communication... he admitted through many tears that he felt attacked by him and was very resentful of the 'damage' he thought the guy did to our R.
I digress... the changes H has made continue to be amazing, when he gets off track (as he has the past few days- it has been 3 weeks & I wish I could 'bottle up' this guy's stuff & re-inoculate H with it.. but that would be me 'fixing' it & he needs to recognize & get his own re-innoculation!) & the IC gets him back on track
... I think he must be familiar with Stosny's work as I hear a lot of that from H now.
It has been enough of a 180 & consistancy for me that I have started seeing H's IC's wife who is also in practice with him, as my IC. I am hopeful that we may end up in C together, to work out the issues that have plagued this R for years as two healthy(ier) individuals.
For me, H is finally seeing these issues through a more healthy lens, instead of blame, inadequacy and rage. I too, am seeing myself & my role in our issues more realistically than I have in the past and owning my power to state my needs & my emotions, instead of being a martyr.
I still have my paperwork ready to go to a mediator, I am not an optimist that we will reconcile as intimate partners, but I at least feel there is hope for us to be healthier co-parents, business partners, & eventual friends.
For me trust & dependability for emotional safety remain at the heart of my issues. His 'old' behaivours feed my fears, but as I have confronted some of those fears I have found that we really have some incompatibility issues.. as one blogger for marriage issues calls it.. we have comfortably 'unhappy' for years.
I have found that acknowledging that the two of us are incompatible is not as awful as denying & feeling ashamed of who I really am, just because it was contrary to H. I'm trying to be done doing that. As a co-dependent it is difficult.
I acknowledge my imperfections, idiosyncracies, beauty marks, strengths, values, and beliefs and love me & the dance I do in my life.
H may or may not be the partner I finish the dance with.. I may never find anyone that I happy/comfortable dancing with, other than myself.
I want a partner for intimacy- physically, emotionally, spiritually, & mentally but I am worth not settling for a less than satisfactory partner... settling for less than I deserve is not fair to either me or them.
Peace Bridge
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
