thank you so much for sharing your personal journal with us. What a horrible feeling that sadly many of us can truly empathize with....I don't have a journal to revisit the night I was told of h's bad intentions...but I do recall looking in on my sleeping babies and then proceeding to lay in my own bed in the fetal position sobbing like a baby myself...all the while h trying to comfort me (a pathetic display)
a year has past and look how far you and cj have come....let's put away those bad memories and look forward to better days.
Well the day didn't go badly, but not really what I had hoped for.
I felt like getting some air, so headed outside to weed and trim while CJ had his hair done. He got back while I was still at it...said he had some work to do on an assignment (I didn't hear him say it was due tonight) and then would head out to water the yard.
So on I went, hand trimmed most of our hedges, the bottom of the linden tree, dead headed flowers, scattered poppy seeds...until I was so sore and tired I had to come in.
It was after 7 p.m. and we had planned a nice dinner out and then a movie. Not a lot of time. I made a comment to the effect of "Why did you leave me out there this long?" (still can't find my watch ). CJ took exception to that.
We agreed though, that he could have come out and told me his assignment was taking longer than he anticipated, so I could have watered myself. Moot point as he managed to get that done (along with cleaning up all the stuff I'd trimmed/weeded) while I bathed and got ready for dinner.
On our way out, he asked where I'd like to go. I was rather hoping for somewhere "nice" (we used to go to a lot of fine restaurants before...many on the company card)...but he suggested a familiar spot. I let him know I was hoping for nicer, but with the time constraints it was fine.
And the meal was very good. CJ talked about his course for most of it. We caught "Freaky Friday" afterwards (good but I'm still partial to the original).
We came home, got comfy, I was filing my nails when CJ kissed me (rather awkwardly) on the forehead, said ILY and then went into the living room.
I just came in here and journalled for a bit, and then wrote him a short e-mail.
I'm going to copy it here...that's what I'm expecting 2X4's for...all my expectations....I pondered posting it here first, but out of respect for CJ's wish that I not share stuff with you guys and not him, I sent it.
I'll probably regret it, but it's done. Here it is.
It’s hard to believe that it’s been a year. A year since the day my world turned upside down. A year since I learned that our marriage was a lie. A year since you couldn’t even give me a glimmer of hope that I might be part of your future.
I’m very glad that we are still together. This all could have played out very differently.
I didn’t think this anniversary would be a big deal, I planned on it not being so. But today I felt very vulnerable and couldn’t help but relive moments from that horrible day last year.
All the work in the yard helped some.
But so that you know, there are some things you could have done that would have made me feel so much better today.
First, an acknowledgement of the day itself, that you’re sorry, perhaps. That you know it was a horrible day for me and you hope this year is much better?
Oh, had you thought to pick up some flowers for me on your way home from your haircut…even a single rose. A symbol that you care.
Reservations for dinner? A plan of some kind? A “date” for later? An offer of a neck rub?
Perhaps I am expecting too much…but some of these are little displays of thoughtfulness and love that could help me feel like you ARE glad you decided to stay with me, that you are sorry for the pain of this last year.
I know that you sought me out for a long hug when I got up this morning…was that your way of trying to communicate all of this? I did appreciate it….but then the rest of the day just seemed like nothing special…except for that kind of awkward kiss on the forehead a while ago….do you just not have the words?
I thought I ‘d send this off to you before going on the bb. I’m sure I’ll get a fair share of 2X4’s for having any kind of expectations at all. But perhaps on future “anniversaries” (Nov 28th, Feb 25th) you might keep some of this in mind???
I don't think it was unreasonable to struggle with the date and the memories that it brought up for you. I don't think it was unreasonable to want to counteract those memories with something that symbolizes your relationship surviving and thriving. I think it was very good that you gave CJ some specific things (actions) that would be helpful in the future.
BUT, why didn't you tell CJ before hand about your inner conflict over this date?
Why did you have unexpressed expectations that you didn't communicate before the fact, so that he'd have the opporutunity? Our S's can't read minds.
OK, I lied, here's the 2x4: why do you think you were the only one struggling without knowing how to express it? And why did you state that you found out your "M was a lie". I would be very surprised if CJ doesn't have his own struggles with guilt, etc. on that day. BTW, not only was your M not a lie, but it had the strength to survive a real crisis.
Thanks for the reminder though ( ). I'm going to talk to Wolfie before the annaversary date of the bomb and his b-day (both with be difficult days). I want to find a way to reframe those difficult annaversarys in a new way. We may have to search for the good things that those days represent, and celebrate those things to counteract the bad memories for both of us. I think that the annaversary of the bomb day could be reframed as the first day of our new R. I haven't quite figured out what to suggest about his birthday (I have an image burned into my mind of him returning home and lying to me with a smile on his face about where he'd been--and later to find out that he'd been with OW--and I'm standing there with the bday cake I'd made him and the presents we'd just wrapped and hoped he'd like----GRRRRRRR!). Maybe we can reset the clock on his b-day. Instead of turning 49 next year, we could celebrate his being 1 year past major MLC meltdown. Instead of BC or AD as a date indicator, we could celebrate his turning +1 MLC!
Why don't you talk to CJ about ways you could reframe those difficult dates so that it's not all about Shiney is hurting on that day andit's CJ's fault and he should be more sensitive about it. How could you work as a team to create new meaning for those dates?
And you're right in that I ASSumed CJ knew it was "that date"...he had just read my posts, but as it turns out, he didn't know that's what was going on for me yesterday, as the e-mail he sent to me in reply clearly reveals:
S, I am so sorry for not recognizing or remembering that yesterday was the actual day one year ago that I broke your heart and shattered your world. I am sorry, and I am happy where we are today, a year later, and I am grateful to you for keeping me in your life.
If I remembered it was the actual day, I would have stopped across the street from G's shop to pick up some flowers. I knew it was in August, but quite frankly, I wanted to not fall into the mode of "celebrating" these days by forging a lasting memory of the dates. What purpose would that serve? In my mind, it would only sustain the memories of the hurt/pain and the OW (who shall remain nameless so we don't keep her memory and existence alive...that's why I asked that we not continue to call her by her real name).
Please don't think that I am minimizing or dismissing what I had done. That's not it at all. I am not trying to brush off what I had done. What I did will stay with me for a long, long time.
What I feel we need to do is to focus on the now, the present that we have begun to rebuild from the rubble of that ground zero I caused. Thats what I was getting at in the car that day (the drive up the lake). I don't feel comfortable with remembering or writing down those anniversary dates (nov and feb) because they will stay in my mind forever (and you know how my memory is). I don't want to feed the memories of the OW, I want them to fade away as they have been doing.
I don't think of her, and in those rare moments when I do, it is in a negative "what the hell was I thinking?" kind of mode...in other words, they are not fond memories.
If you want to remember those exact dates for whatever reasons, I won't try to talk you out of it, but I won't be remembering them. I will remember the general timeframes, but I hope that too will fade in time so that I don't associate august with bomb #1, nov with bomb #2 and feb with bomb #3. I want us to reclaim those months. August is harvest time in the garden and pesto, nov is my birthday, february is a trip we may take somewhere tropical....(perhaps that is how we can overcome those "anniversary" blues).
Maybe another way is for us both to burn up or shred the hell out of the "evidence" file you may still be hanging onto. We haven't used the BBQ in over 2 years, maybe it's time to drag it out, fire it up and have an "OW BBQ"....symbolic cleansing of her out of our lives. But again, I will not try to talk you into doing that.
S, the words are within me to apologize and acknowledge the pain I inflicted on you and the poison I brought into our marriage. The feelings are there too. I guess I need to vocalize them more without turning it into a real "bummer". I feel things have been going great between you and I (still room for improvement, but we both are working on that) and I guess I didn't want to rain on our parade by bringing up the hurt. I now see that you need that regular acknowledgement to heal.
Besides these anniversary dates, how else can I help you to heal? Is it ok for me to just once in awhile say an elaborate "im sorry"? You know, if you suffer from a "moment" in the future, just ask for my words of sympathy and empathy and understanding. I would be glad to offer them. I have my moments too over what I had done, but I keep them inside for fear of opening up "old" wounds. Perhaps that is the wrong thing for me to do.
As for the long hug the other morning, I just did it because I loved you, and I was expressing my gratitude for the way things have been going between us. And as for the awkward kiss on the forehead last nite. I leaned down to kiss you on the lips, but you jerked your head back down to focus on your nails, I stood up a bit, you looked up, then you looked down, so I was left with the forehead option. Regardless of it being on the lips or not, the kiss meant the same thing to me, "I love you".
Let's pick up the ball I dropped yesterday and do something fun today and tonight to replace them memories of a year ago.
I love you S, and I am sorry for what I had done to bring hurt into our marriage...and I am sorry for causing you pain and trouble.
Love CJ
P.S. I haven't forgotten about discussing some of the posts you printed out for me. They are minor, but I will talk to you about them another day, let's not be, as Jamie Lee Curtis put it, "fun-suckers" today.
Your reply has me in tears...good thing I waited until you left. Happy tears though!!!
Thank you so much, I really thought you knew it was "that date", I alluded to as much in my posts, I think. I respect your desire NOT to hold these dates in mind forever, and I know that they will not hold such power over us. I purposely did NOT look in last year's date book this week as I was unsure of the exact date myself. But I couldn't help but remember that it was the Friday of this week. It's all still quite clear in my mind...sort of like a car accident.
Only when I was e-mailing you did I look up the other dates. Probably would have forgotten the late Nov. one, (I thought it was early Dec, myself), but Feb 25 is niece's birthday and hard to forget. But then again, that was a weird kind of celebratory day if you recall, so that could just be the anniversary of kicking OW out of our life for good!
I was a bit surprised myself at how I felt yesterday (and actually, 23rd is the real date). I thought it would be a breeze, but it wasn't. Not that it was agony, I had a good day all in all, just had some unexpected echoes.
I think it's a great idea to "write over" these dates with new, better memories. That's what I was hoping to do yesterday, but heck today will do just fine!
I'm just so moved by the rest of your e-mail. Sure I'll ask for reassurance if I need it...I'm very lucky, lots of others' spouses won't do this for them at all. And as for spontaneous "sorrys", Fine by me. And if YOU are having a moment, don't hesitate to share with me, it helps me to realize you're still battling this stuff too, and we could heal much faster together.
Thank you for the looong hug...it means even more knowing it was for no special reason...and I had to laugh at your description of the forehead kiss!!
As for the BBQ, we're getting closer to that conflagration by the day! CJ, I too am VERY glad we are still together and working toward a better M.
I am grateful beyond belief....when I think back to a year ago, there seemed to be NO hope, and now, there is so very much!
I'm glad that you liked my e-mail. I love you too. BTW, if you keep getting 2x4's to the head (thats the lingo right?) from people on the BB, tell them to lay off for a bit, because you already have enough to frame a two-story house.....just kidding.
I love CJ's response. Have I told you before that he reminds me a lot of David? He really does, down to the have to be the calm one, the keep everything inside, conflict avoidance!
AND HIS SENSE OF HUMOR!!!!!!!!!!
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
I am so incredibly happy for you...to receive such words from your spouse and in writing...a permenant thing to hold and read whenever you need a little reminder that you both are working toward making life wonderful toghether.
were it not for the fact that I was pulled away (litterally by the kiddos) from the puter midway through cjs email to you I would have been in full fledge sloppy tear mode...
If you haven't already I agree with cj...let's get rid of the file of bad ow stuff that you may still be holding onto and create a new file with all the awesome thoughtful and loving letters, notes and emails that h is writting you.
Mortgage, salary and everything! 
That means it doesn't count doesn't it???????? 
). CJ took exception to that.
A year since you couldn’t even give me a glimmer of hope that I might be part of your future. 
This all could have played out very differently. 
