Jayce's thread

[Jayce]

Mr B & all--

The Getting Through book mentions the exact thing you said about shutting down after awhile. I did w/Ex as well but for a bit different reasons. When couples no longer argue-they'll shut down for a couple years-then one of them ups & quits! Shocking the heck out of the one who thought the silence was-well-golden. Fighting and going around in circles isn't productive, but silence isn't anything. In the presence of silence, we make all kinds of inferences. The worst is "Finally, things are OK now, he/she shut up so must have accepted (whatever)Whew! Glad that's over!"

After the long silence, if one boils over into a new round of complaining, attacking, fighting, begging-at least something's moving again. Even if it's an ultimatum, it gets the other partner out of their clueless state & requires at least a reaction if not participation.

On another subject:
I may be the worst mother hen, control freak you've seen, but my concerns have not been without cause. I've always believed that in a marriage, both partners should make an effort to be healthy because one's risks affect the other's quality of life as well. If you go down, you take me with you. So now comes the CT showing spots in both lungs too small to biopsy. Also cysts in the liver. H will have a PET scan Tuesday. We'll get the results of that the following week. For our anniversary? For Christmas? For my birthday? (Yep, they're all in the same week-poor planning-shoulda held out for a June wedding LOL).

I'm still hoping..trying to be optimistic. It is difficult. My daughter had breast cancer. Went with her to all the Dr. appts., wig shops, chemos. Sat through the surgeries. Her H was great through it all. They didn't make it to their 3rd anniversary. I don't think I have the strength to do it again. I can't lose anyone else. I am so very very angry that he continued to smoke after his bro's death, and after his heart attack. He smoked less, but never completely stopped. And lied about it always.

Here we are, ML once a week at last. Hoping the trend will continue and improve. Hoping that in time, he'll talk more about his feelings, finish reading the books & we'll have a happier future.

Nothing left to say.
J

[Cinco]

Jayce, I am so sorry about the news on the CT scan.

I know how it is to have a stubborn headed loved one keep doing something that is bad for their health. Both my parents and one of my sisters are all smokers. Both my parents have emphysema and pop died last year from complications of having such a low lung capacity for so long (pancreatitis and liver failure). Mom now is on oxygen 24 hours a day. She at least quit smoking about 10 years ago, still not soon enough. My sister who works in a VA hospital still will not quit. Even though she sees guys every day with lung problems and saw our parents going through this, she still won't quit. It's just stubborness and denial when they think it can't happen to them. So frustrating.

Yay for your ML once a week though. I hope you can keep moving forward in that regard. You know that I pray for you two.

Cinco

[diane74]

Jayce

So sorry to hear the scary news. I hope things turn out OK for you both.

take care of yourself and positive thoughts

YAH........ for the progress with the 2 of you though!

Good Luck, and God Bless :P

[Jayce]

Thanks, Diane, and you, too, Cinco. We've got our own prayer circle going here these days.

I believe people are ruled by their fears and if there's one big fat, ugly hairy fear, its going w/out nicotine in whatever form. If you listen to the excuses its a lot like listening to an alcoholic being defensive & blocking & parrying arguments. H doesn't do that anymore. You can imagine where those arguments got with me. LOL

Someone reminded me today that radiologists often "over diagnose" when they evaluate film. (H's old lung x-ray says 'cardiomyopathy'-enlarged heart which he does not have). I'm hoping that's the case here. His lung capacity is fine. His cardio stress test was good. Whatever it is hasn't affected his breathing yet. Dr. did tell him 2 drinks a day are a "bad choice" because he takes Lipitor. Hard on the liver. I knew that. He heard it but ignored it. Sigh..........

At least at this time of year I'm really busy so I can't sit & stew about it. What am I always telling you guys??? Hang tough?? I guess I'll find out if I have any tough left.

Try to do something fun this weekend-it's almost Christmas. Go sit on Santa's lap. LOL
J

[Bagheera]

Greetings Jayce,

I too am sorry to hear about the health news, and hope that it turns out to be something minor. You wrote:

I may be the worst mother hen, control freak you've seen, but my concerns have not been without cause.....

Most of what we talk about around here involves either:

* trying to recognize and change OUR OWN behavior in such a way as to be happier overall and to get our own needs/wants met by our spouse, or,

* trying to find a way to encourage our spouse to make changes that will lead to them getting THEIR needs/wants met and a happier, closer relationship overall.

And nearly all of us here have made the mistake (over and over again) in that harping, nagging, and yelling at our spouse NEVER results in a positive change in their behavior. They defend, resist, withdraw, and view us as an opponent and a threat. They NEVER see the logic in what we're saying, only that they are 'under attack' and can't / won't give in to us.

So while I agree whole-heartedly with you that your husband is not taking proper care of himself, and that he should have quit smoking long ago, giving him the "I told you so" lecture and going 'on the nag' about it will only result in his continued resistance and hiding the cigars in the garage.

As with Cinco's wife or Diane's husband: ultimately, the decision is their's to make.

The best thing that you can do is to create the environment, the setting, the couple's dynamic that will yield the BEST chances of their choosing to make positive changes. It can be done: I'm one of the few who've experienced very positive changes in my marriage and relationship as a result of working hard to make the necessary 180's in MY OWN behavior and set up the circumstances whereby my wife was willing to come on board and work with me. We both still screw up and backslide frequently enough, but it's getting easier -- the changes are slowly becoming a part of our "normal" behavior, rather than feeling contrived or forced for either of us.

The hard part is taking those first steps: for both of you.

Best of luck,

Bagheera

[Jayce]

I'm really not THAT bad. Of course I haven't said "I told you so" - I don't have to. He knows. Even tho I joke about denial being a river that runs between his ears, he knows that those deceased relatives all were heavy smokers-unflitered cigarettes & in their day, being social was hanging out at the corner bar, also full of smoke. Annual check ups or going to the Dr. was not even on their radar.

I have a hard time with the fatalistic attitude that "All the men on my Dad's side died before they were 60" and what they did or didn't do wouldn't have mattered.

J

[Jayce]

Good Eeeeeeveningggg......

Found out thru unknown friend of a friend of a friend who had access & took a peek last week that H does not have lung cancer. The wait was making me way more nuts than usual. Will have to keep quiet about it tom'w at Dr. appt. so as not to get whoever it was in trouble. We will, I'm sure, find out something's going on tho. His breathing test was "within normal ranges" but also was "moderate to high risk".

The results of his Nov. stress test were surprising. Even tho he doesn't do "regular exercise" his job requires being on his feet & walking around all nite. His VO2 (if anyone else knows what that is) was almost 39. Really good. Even so, he can't keep up w/me when I'm buzzing thru the mall or across the parking lot. Not sure why. Says he's not short of breath. Possible his back's making his leg partly numb again. Physical therapy is yet another thing he doesn't like to do for himself. I wonder if he thinks he's not worth it?

Anyway, we're both glad not to be worrying and he's back to talking about Mexico trip again. Sweet! Our anniversary is today, went to dinner yesterday, exchanged gifts, got flowers. We had a really nice weekend. Whoever the person was who looked at the scan & quietly passed on the information saving us several more days of waiting is the one who deserves the flowers! If I knew who it was, I'd have sent them by now

Have great holidays, everyone. Enjoy the magic. Lights on snow this evening set the mood...except that its about 10 and going back to zero again tonite. Cuddle weather. Light a fire & toast your toes!
J

[Cinco]

That's great news Jayce! A very nice Happy Anniversary present. Keep cuddly warm up there.

Cinco

[Jayce]

Thanx! Dr. says do another CT in May, see if anything looks different. Kinda spooky in a way.

H is happier, that's for sure. Doesn't talk about any of it, but is working on what he eats, using the CPAP. I wonder if in his fatalistic reasoning, he figured since "all the men in the family" died relatively early, he might as well smoke, eat junk, not bother taking care of himself???? I'm guessing he wanted to think it wouldn't make any difference. Goofy logic.

Nice to see a better future.
J

[Jayce]

Cinco, speaking of cuddly & warm, at least it isn't 14 below today like Friday a.m.! Tried a reply on your thread, but it was blocked. Is 14 pages the limit?
J