My posts today have been erratic. I went back and read all of the posts from AmyC, all of FaithfulH's input, 25year and T'gone...I have found that everytime I do see her, I lose it. I have reviewed why I lose it and it is simple, i miss her and I want her back. My strength today comes from the fact that I want her back "I do not need her back."
I have this belief that everytime she sees me she will jump into my arms and life will improve 10 fold. Not irrational, mainly subconscious. Because I am struggling to rebuild my life, my self and my sanity, I see her the way I used to see her, as the only thng at the end of the day that made me happy when everything was against me. when I see her I am split bewteen rage and love. the rage that she is the thing that has caused me the most pain in my life and the love that she is one thing I treasured the most in my life.
I no longer feel the rage, nor do I want to feel the love. I do, I always will. The old adage is you want most what you cannot have...
I am praying to Him to give me the serenity I need to lay this to rest. I know what I want, I know what I can have and what I can achieve. She is none of those right now. I do not want to "want her". I do not need that pain in my heart right now. Her emotions are for someone else, not me. She does not love me, need me, want me or anything about me. No sense in beating that dead horse. I am a casual phone call when the crap hits the fan. I will not be her janitor anymore.
It is sad and pathetic how much I love my W, and how much I want this to be over. I am getting better getting over it everyday. I looked at a lot of what Amy had posted to me, she had great insight as to why I was feeling certain ways and that certain emotions over time were normal. I think I am afraid that she really isn't coming back or coming "out of it". I think I am afraid that what God is showing me is how to live with this pain and not a probability of reconciliation. He is giving me direction, He is giving me strength and He is helping me hold onto my hope and beliefs. But is He building my hope and faith in Him and not what I want? I don't argue I need to build my faith and hope in Him, and I have. I no longer dream about her or think of anything positive about her. when I think of her or see her I see "them". I see her happy and laughing with him and doing things we used to do and her showing him the affections and words she used to show me. I no longer see postive signs from her, at any level. I see myself dark and removed. I am that long lost relaitve you contact when you need mindless info. Once you get it from him, your gone until the next time. I think I am leaning on my hope too hard and too long. I feel nothing from her at all. Nothing....That kills my soul. I am slipping that way. I am starting to feel nothing towards her, and that scares the hell out of me. My biggest frustration is chasing her for car ins money. This has come to a head. If her car ins isn't paid on Friday. I am sending her a copy of my notice of cancellation of insurance. I will file for legal seperation and take the necessary steps to remove her from any financial obligations I have with her. Once she gets the joint checking accont straightened out I will have it cancelled. I am the primary and I need to do it. I have to remove as much "we" and "us" and "ours" as possible. I hold onto these things as a crutch. I need to cast them aside and learn to walk.
She is laughing at me, this is how I feel. Playing with my emotions like a toy. I am tired of hearing that she is unhappy, miserable and in pain. I believe people tell me this so she can continue on with me enabling the situation.
Make no mistake I want her back. But that end is not in sight, she is involved elsewhere with someone else. She is trying to bring that into "my" family. I cannot tolerate that at any level. If this means it ends, then it ends. I will not have her trying to bring him into my kids lives like she tried with older D. I am sure she is trying with D17 as well, and probably already has. This is not someone who is confused or in pain or is having some kind of life meltdown. This is someone who feels the need to introduce her drama into my life. "we" cannot exist as friends, "we" cannot exist together as long as there is a "them". I will pray long and hard to God to give me reason not to feel as intnet on this as I am right now. the fury in my heart and soul is nlike anything I have ever felt. I pray to God, that this emotion is a means of shedding thru to the next level and not the final end of my war. Either that or this is what He wants.
I do not act on emoiton anymore, I will pray hard and long. I will ask Him ofr something to show me different. But the road I am on clearly is leaving her behind. I have cleared the road and paved it for her. She isn't even on the map. Over time this road will become overgrown with the weeds of time and despair. The pavement will crack under long weathered storms. I have labored hard and long, not so long as most of the men and women on this site, but my pain is my pain. I cannot survive in a world where someone can take all the years of your life and cast them aside like unwanted trash without ever looking back. I know my W, I don't know this person and I believe she is here to stay. i believe it because there is nothing in her anymore, not in her eyes not in her voice not in her actions. I will leave her alone, I will not be where sheis, I will not fall into that wlaking hell she lives in. I will not let her bring him into "my" family at any level. She cannot undo what she has done and she has burned bridges that can never be rebuilt. All the forgiveness I can give will not fix any of that. She is too far gone, I think, to even try to look back. She is stuck in the mess she has created, and she cannot see any way out. Knowing her, she will then continue on hoping that everything gets better, it won't. Her partying times will slowly come to an end, her money issues will not get better, I see them getting worse. He is 31 , 15 years younger than her, how long before he finds someone younger and closer to where he lives, not long I'll bet.
This is why I am feeling depressed. Because in my heart I know what God wants from me, but I am still not clear on what He wants me to do wit this. I go on and deal with my life while hanging onto something that isn't there, that doesn't exist in her. I have read and heard and researched everyitng until I am sick of information about what she may be going through. She needs to hit rock bottom. I snet her an email a week after this happened that I am sure she never read. I told her that I hope someday you look back and realize all that you had with me, I hope you look back and see how wonderful our life and lives were, I hope someday you want to have that again, and I hope someday that I am stil there. I cannot be your friend, I want to be your husband and everything else or nothing at all. When you realize the mistake you have made, when you realize that all of what you have done is a lie, I hope you can live with yourself, because I wil not wait forever. If I leave my feelings for you the way you did to me, there will be no road back. I pray to god, you find your happiness, I hope to God you find all the things you want that I coudn't give you, i hope to God that maybe you aren't making a mistake, maybe 31 years was a mistake. But mostly i pray to God I am here when you want to come "home".
You know I feel so much better typing this....I know in the end she will crash and burn. I am not so sure it will be soon. I think when her world crashes and she is left alone, no BF, no real friends, no money and nowhere to live, she will call. Until then, I just want my car ins money and for her to stay out of my life. I will pray to God tonight for the very thing I need right now, Tell me I am wrong, tell me this road I am on leads to salvation and my hearts desire. tell me this....If I get no answer, then my path is clear. A New Year is coming, I have set my 9's. I will not start a New year the way this one ends. God will show me the light, no matter how it comes out. Please someone come back to me on this posting. this , I am afraid, is the darkest I have posted and it is where my heart is right now.
