And you're right in that I ASSumed CJ knew it was "that date"...he had just read my posts, but as it turns out, he didn't know that's what was going on for me yesterday, as the e-mail he sent to me in reply clearly reveals:
S, I am so sorry for not recognizing or remembering that yesterday was the actual day one year ago that I broke your heart and shattered your world. I am sorry, and I am happy where we are today, a year later, and I am grateful to you for keeping me in your life.
If I remembered it was the actual day, I would have stopped across the street from G's shop to pick up some flowers. I knew it was in August, but quite frankly, I wanted to not fall into the mode of "celebrating" these days by forging a lasting memory of the dates. What purpose would that serve? In my mind, it would only sustain the memories of the hurt/pain and the OW (who shall remain nameless so we don't keep her memory and existence alive...that's why I asked that we not continue to call her by her real name).
Please don't think that I am minimizing or dismissing what I had done. That's not it at all. I am not trying to brush off what I had done. What I did will stay with me for a long, long time.
What I feel we need to do is to focus on the now, the present that we have begun to rebuild from the rubble of that ground zero I caused. Thats what I was getting at in the car that day (the drive up the lake). I don't feel comfortable with remembering or writing down those anniversary dates (nov and feb) because they will stay in my mind forever (and you know how my memory is). I don't want to feed the memories of the OW, I want them to fade away as they have been doing.
I don't think of her, and in those rare moments when I do, it is in a negative "what the hell was I thinking?" kind of mode...in other words, they are not fond memories.
If you want to remember those exact dates for whatever reasons, I won't try to talk you out of it, but I won't be remembering them. I will remember the general timeframes, but I hope that too will fade in time so that I don't associate august with bomb #1, nov with bomb #2 and feb with bomb #3. I want us to reclaim those months. August is harvest time in the garden and pesto, nov is my birthday, february is a trip we may take somewhere tropical....(perhaps that is how we can overcome those "anniversary" blues).
Maybe another way is for us both to burn up or shred the hell out of the "evidence" file you may still be hanging onto. We haven't used the BBQ in over 2 years, maybe it's time to drag it out, fire it up and have an "OW BBQ"....symbolic cleansing of her out of our lives. But again, I will not try to talk you into doing that.
S, the words are within me to apologize and acknowledge the pain I inflicted on you and the poison I brought into our marriage. The feelings are there too. I guess I need to vocalize them more without turning it into a real "bummer". I feel things have been going great between you and I (still room for improvement, but we both are working on that) and I guess I didn't want to rain on our parade by bringing up the hurt. I now see that you need that regular acknowledgement to heal.
Besides these anniversary dates, how else can I help you to heal? Is it ok for me to just once in awhile say an elaborate "im sorry"? You know, if you suffer from a "moment" in the future, just ask for my words of sympathy and empathy and understanding. I would be glad to offer them. I have my moments too over what I had done, but I keep them inside for fear of opening up "old" wounds. Perhaps that is the wrong thing for me to do.
As for the long hug the other morning, I just did it because I loved you, and I was expressing my gratitude for the way things have been going between us. And as for the awkward kiss on the forehead last nite. I leaned down to kiss you on the lips, but you jerked your head back down to focus on your nails, I stood up a bit, you looked up, then you looked down, so I was left with the forehead option. Regardless of it being on the lips or not, the kiss meant the same thing to me, "I love you".
Let's pick up the ball I dropped yesterday and do something fun today and tonight to replace them memories of a year ago.
I love you S, and I am sorry for what I had done to bring hurt into our marriage...and I am sorry for causing you pain and trouble.
Love CJ
P.S. I haven't forgotten about discussing some of the posts you printed out for me. They are minor, but I will talk to you about them another day, let's not be, as Jamie Lee Curtis put it, "fun-suckers" today.
Your reply has me in tears...good thing I waited until you left. Happy tears though!!!
Thank you so much, I really thought you knew it was "that date", I alluded to as much in my posts, I think. I respect your desire NOT to hold these dates in mind forever, and I know that they will not hold such power over us. I purposely did NOT look in last year's date book this week as I was unsure of the exact date myself. But I couldn't help but remember that it was the Friday of this week. It's all still quite clear in my mind...sort of like a car accident.
Only when I was e-mailing you did I look up the other dates. Probably would have forgotten the late Nov. one, (I thought it was early Dec, myself), but Feb 25 is niece's birthday and hard to forget. But then again, that was a weird kind of celebratory day if you recall, so that could just be the anniversary of kicking OW out of our life for good!
I was a bit surprised myself at how I felt yesterday (and actually, 23rd is the real date). I thought it would be a breeze, but it wasn't. Not that it was agony, I had a good day all in all, just had some unexpected echoes.
I think it's a great idea to "write over" these dates with new, better memories. That's what I was hoping to do yesterday, but heck today will do just fine!
I'm just so moved by the rest of your e-mail. Sure I'll ask for reassurance if I need it...I'm very lucky, lots of others' spouses won't do this for them at all. And as for spontaneous "sorrys", Fine by me. And if YOU are having a moment, don't hesitate to share with me, it helps me to realize you're still battling this stuff too, and we could heal much faster together.
Thank you for the looong hug...it means even more knowing it was for no special reason...and I had to laugh at your description of the forehead kiss!!
As for the BBQ, we're getting closer to that conflagration by the day! CJ, I too am VERY glad we are still together and working toward a better M.
I am grateful beyond belief....when I think back to a year ago, there seemed to be NO hope, and now, there is so very much!
