I don't think it was unreasonable to struggle with the date and the memories that it brought up for you. I don't think it was unreasonable to want to counteract those memories with something that symbolizes your relationship surviving and thriving. I think it was very good that you gave CJ some specific things (actions) that would be helpful in the future.
BUT, why didn't you tell CJ before hand about your inner conflict over this date?
Why did you have unexpressed expectations that you didn't communicate before the fact, so that he'd have the opporutunity? Our S's can't read minds.
OK, I lied, here's the 2x4: why do you think you were the only one struggling without knowing how to express it? And why did you state that you found out your "M was a lie". I would be very surprised if CJ doesn't have his own struggles with guilt, etc. on that day. BTW, not only was your M not a lie, but it had the strength to survive a real crisis.
Thanks for the reminder though ( ). I'm going to talk to Wolfie before the annaversary date of the bomb and his b-day (both with be difficult days). I want to find a way to reframe those difficult annaversarys in a new way. We may have to search for the good things that those days represent, and celebrate those things to counteract the bad memories for both of us. I think that the annaversary of the bomb day could be reframed as the first day of our new R. I haven't quite figured out what to suggest about his birthday (I have an image burned into my mind of him returning home and lying to me with a smile on his face about where he'd been--and later to find out that he'd been with OW--and I'm standing there with the bday cake I'd made him and the presents we'd just wrapped and hoped he'd like----GRRRRRRR!). Maybe we can reset the clock on his b-day. Instead of turning 49 next year, we could celebrate his being 1 year past major MLC meltdown. Instead of BC or AD as a date indicator, we could celebrate his turning +1 MLC!
Why don't you talk to CJ about ways you could reframe those difficult dates so that it's not all about Shiney is hurting on that day andit's CJ's fault and he should be more sensitive about it. How could you work as a team to create new meaning for those dates?
). I'm going to talk to Wolfie before the annaversary date of the bomb and his b-day (both with be difficult days). I want to find a way to reframe those difficult annaversarys in a new way. We may have to search for the good things that those days represent, and celebrate those things to counteract the bad memories for both of us. I think that the annaversary of the bomb day could be reframed as the first day of our new R. I haven't quite figured out what to suggest about his birthday (I have an image burned into my mind of him returning home and lying to me with a smile on his face about where he'd been--and later to find out that he'd been with OW--and I'm standing there with the bday cake I'd made him and the presents we'd just wrapped and hoped he'd like----GRRRRRRR!). Maybe we can reset the clock on his b-day. Instead of turning 49 next year, we could celebrate his being 1 year past major MLC meltdown. Instead of BC or AD as a date indicator, we could celebrate his turning +1 MLC!
