LIS, if you're like me I felt really unattractive after H began his A. I mean he told me he wasn't attracted to me also! So it seems surprising that others think you're attractive and appealing, but I think it's not about us and our appeal, but more about the WAS being messed up. Just because your W is having issues...I'm sure 99.9% women would love to be involved with you! Karen
Heard some more stuff W has been saying. You may recall early in dec that w was with d16 in CA and AZ. D16 wanted to go xmas shopping so W asks me to put $$ in account for d16. So I did and let d16 know. Well heard today (from F friend that I am close with that W confides in) that W was very upset in AZ - D16 became upset as a result and told W to take the $$
My take is that W played on d16. I have tried to keep the k's out of thos cr@p, but W is bringing them right in.
So - the question is - do I now talk to d16 about this? I am planning on asking k's what they know about 2008, but do I now go for full open disclosure?
LIS
M45 WW 43 D17/S14/D11
ILYB Jan 08 PA Conf Feb 08 OMW / OM contacted S Jan / 09
No one ever has, or ever will, escape the consequences of their actions.
They probably know a lot already. I think if you share this info with as much compassion as you can muster, they will understand. I am not an example by any means and I wasn't here when dumbs$$ told the kids. We had gotten into an argument maybe a week after I found out. I said just so you know if you leave me, you will be telling the kids the truth, not some bs about us not getting along. I had to get out of the house for a bit, so I drove around for a bit.
When I walk back in the house, all 4 kids run to me and say oh, Mommy we love you so much, we are so sorry. Ex told them that he was in love with someone else. I guess I was in a losing battle from the get go, but the point is he just blurted it out. Well we all know I was married to an a$$ and that my kids have been extremely supportive of me. My 2 boys had thought he was cheating but were trying to gather evidence before they said anything!
Did any of this make sense? Hope so. hugs.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I think if you say something to them like "Now that you know the truth, you'll probably start thinking back on times when something didn't seem right. There's no need to tell me any of those things unless you want to; you know if you EVER have any questions, I will always tell you the truth. But I don't ever want you to feel like you have to report back to me about things that your mother does -- that's not why I'm telling you this," that that would be appropriate.
That sounds good, I basically said stuff similar to what PDT is talking about..hate that she "played" your D16..I do know how easily it can happen tho..you'll know the best route to take when you start the convo..
Tawnya
Me:39 H:40 D18/S12 M20/T21 Bomb 10/11/08 One Two Three Four
Update for today. Family back in same house except D11 who is at IL's. 5 minutes I walked in, was ambushed...
W: kids (D16 and S13) come here please. Need to have a family discussion about living arrangements. We cannot have all 5 of us living under smae roof. Lost, what do you propose?
Me: well W, a little unprepared for this. SOrry but I have been preparing a response to your papers...
W: oh well you are late - had 30 days after filing to respond.
Me: no W, actually it is 30 days after serving, but whatever.
W: well what do you propose?
Me: W, what do you want to do? This is your decision.
Anyway, rather than the whole convo, here are the highlights (remember D16 and S13 are there):
* W called me a f"g azzhole and a SOB
* W wants to have her share of house now - needs it
* K's know of affair - but not sure yet what they know. Need to find that out. W called it a symptom.
* W wants someone who loves her, wants to be with her, wants her
* W made mistake and k's forgive her but I obv cannot and want to portray her as a sl*t (I responded that I never said any such thing and I cold forgive her).
* W wants to get an apartment and share time in house (we alternate in apartment).
* W asked kids of they want to live full time with me (no) or her (no)
* W said 50/50 time to which I said "gee that is funny cuz that is not what your papers said." Got into what was filed a bit.
* W playing nicey nice with k's
Anyway all along S13 is crying - doesn't want to be there. I tell him he can go and tell W this is between her and I. She says it is a "family decision" so he needs to be there and she tries to get him to uncover his eyes (hands over)by saying "look at me bud" - he says no continuously. D16 is saying "I don't care" to any question asked. They just want cr@p to be over.
I tell W throughout that this is her decision so the consequence is she should leave; I get the "you are just thinking of self, not kids". Also get more of the controlling manipulative stuff in response. Told W that she has helped to destroy 2 families; she then said I shouldn't have contacted omw.
Anyway, nothing decided and she wants to discuss further. I am firm - SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE. Thoughts?
After I had a one-on-one with D16. She was pretty distrught and cried hard (she didn't cry around W) - I encouraged D16 to cry, she needed to. We talked a bit about some stuff I had done and why (primarily $$). Talked a bit about the A - not much. I mentioned to her how I was comitted to my family but mom can make her own decisions and we may simply have to accept that. D16 said what family - you want this? I said no, of course not, I want it better. I mentioned that we knew we had stuff to work on last year but then the other guy came along - I agreed the A was a symptom but you had to deal with the symptom before you could cure the disease. I also mentioned that despite what is happening, I love her mom very much and would like nothing better to have pur family come through this.
I need to have another disc with D16 and S13 to see what they in fact do know. I will simply ask them that with the caveat that anything I say is not to paint W as a villain / bad person. Just want to get the truth out there so we all know it.
I must say it is looking bleaker and bleaker for this to work out...
LIS
M45 WW 43 D17/S14/D11
ILYB Jan 08 PA Conf Feb 08 OMW / OM contacted S Jan / 09
No one ever has, or ever will, escape the consequences of their actions.
