WAW - Possible MLC I need help, WAWs advice III

[FaithfulH]

Is it better to be me, to do the things I'm doing if she doesn't come back versus if she does? I am in a win -win situation with me. I believe this, hurts to think that way, but I believe it.

LonelyD,

I think your statement above is the key.....

Focus on being the best YOU that God wants you to be. Sometimes He wants you out of the way....but, sometimes He wants you right in the middle. The only way to know is to continue listening to HIS voice. When AmyC said last night that she is only sharing what she thinks....that YOU need to check it out with God, that is so right on. Each of us who post on your thread and others bring our only fleshly failings.....so, consider it all suspect until God confirms which way you should go. I think you are doing great LonelyD....and I am so pleased that I have come to know you even through the limitations of this board.

[25yearsmlc]

LD,

You are on the right track. You are in the right place (here), and I can see you turning some corners. Plus, you'll look great. Are you doing 180's that are also part of your GAL? And have you considered a DB counselling session? I know they can be pricey but a set of 3 actually costs me less per session, than regular T here near L.A.. And God knows it helped me as it was pro=M BUT with healthy boundaries and gave me specific advice I could follow from a truly good perspective. Geez, I sound like I'm getting a commission, but I'm saying since I tried everything and seemed to have gotten somewhere, I look back on what helped ME most, and this was it. A lot of things did and God was behind it all. But I and h saw 4 or 5 counselors together and separately and h didn't like what he was told (he shut me out of major decisions, repeatedly, and lied...guess what? Most counselors don't support that much...) But for DB, it was just me and what I could do to stay sane...and married.

Also, btw, I posted a story/piece on forgiveness (somewhere on the board, maybe under infidelity or forgiveness in general--) which you might like. I heard it long ago and it touched me deeply. It helps you to let go of your pain and as you've heard, "forgiveness is for YOU"....doesn't matter whether your w knows it, for now, it only matters for YOU as it frees you. (And models for your children what commitment and unconditional love look like) Down the road, in YOUR sitch, for a recon to happen of course she'll need your forgiveness for without it, she cannot come home. Sometimes the crap the LBSer thinks they need from the WAS to "prove" their trustworhiness is too much for the WAS, or too humiliating or painful for the WAS to have to recall or the LBSer seems to hang a sword over their head. I know that isn't you, I'm simply observing.

I also found Marianne Williamson's books very helpful. Got them on CD She's a bit "new agey" for some people, but her books' sections on forgiveness has the exercises I think I mentioned to you about saying out loud, (in the shower worked best for me) "God, I turn my pain/anger/M over to you" about 100 times out loud. Maybe it's psychological reinforcement, or maybe it's miraculous...it helped ME a lot. Also did it before I expected contact from h, to stay calm and to never show him the anger. Now that he's here, I should do it again. So hard not to let things from the past pop up into the NOW...when they don't belong in the "now" anymore.

(( hugs ))
j-

[LonelyD]

Thanks, both of you. I know the advice is good and every sitch is different. forgiveness is hard and I underzstand it is for me, so that I can deal with things. I am riding outside the storm right now, I think I need to stay there. I do 180's, slowed my GAL, because of the holidays and how they have affected me. Line dancing starts again in two weeks so I start that agian, which truly helps. Going back to the gym is key. Also looking for a part time job to help with my finances.

God is not revealing too much to me, because I believe He doesn't want me me straying from where I am. I need to focus and stop asking Him to give me this and to give me that. I am not getting answers and it is frustrating me. This whole situation is crap. I have so much I have to deal with in my life right now. I have ore responsibility with everyday and every turn. This mess is just adding to a mountain of crap that I need to shovel out from under everyday, just to breath. My heaviest frustration is her not having a damn thing to be responsible for. If her car goes to repo, I co-signed, they come after me. Found out that I cannot legally drop her car insurance because there is a loan and lien on the title. Biggest mistake I made was getting joint insurance. thought back then, by doing that, it would show her I cared and she'd come back. If I knew then what I know now.

I'd love to piss my bills to the wind, go out whenever I want, not have to worry about my D17's whereabouts, her school work, whether or not she eats or any of that. Going out with someone every weekend for sex and not having to worry about a goddam thing. That is my frustration. I sit and worry about my bills, food in the house, the condition of my house, my D, all my kids, my grandkids, and then if there is energy and time left, worry about me. the reason I keep backsliding is just that, there is no ME! none, doesn't exist, I am a blend of my actions and attitude, I am thehouse, I am the sole provider, I am the go to guy at work, I am the walrus for crying out loud. Everyday I have crosses to bear, most days I am ready for them. For 5 months I have carried these crosses across the desert and continue on. My worload at work is increasing daily, sometimes hourly. I am seriously under the gun. I got projects at home completed to keep things organized. I now focus onthe financials which ran thru my head like a freight train last night. I am not looking for pity, no poor me's, but in the scheme of things, nothing is working in my favor. I find myself more cynical than ever before. I find myself very closed, which I never was, I find myself being distant, which I never was...I am lost in all that I am responsible for and in control of. There is no sense of me,no sense of self....This is how I felt after my Dad died, that I believe was the start of my MLC. Most thngs that I want in life are farther away from me and slipping from view. Maybe that's what He wants, me to just forget all I was. I can't believe that, but in the scheme of things, I am a better provider, I am more in control, I have a sense of responsiblity greater than before, but I have no life....There isn't any thing left at the end of the day for me. I am tired, I am sooooooo tired of all of this...Sorry, hate to sound so depressed, don't mean to, but I can only get honest advice if I am honest with all of you. I am not sure how much more I can take, I am at the breaking point and don't think it will take much to make me snap...My hope is still there which is why I don't give up or give in...I have a tremendous feeling of alone....I see my accomplishments every day and I am happy for them. But I believe there is no longer a ME.

[LonelyD]

The holidays have me crashing in a big way. My last post is just that. But I do, for the most part wonder if there is a me. It has been so long, and I mean really long time sinc eI put me a head of anything or anyone. I am that type of person.

I take my responsiblites much harder now than the past couple of years with all my weekend partying and drinking. I stay on top of these things and attack home projects. Getting my physical house in order. I don't want to linger too long in the no self attitude. Becasue I am afraid that is where I will stay. I am very confident, have strong self-esteem and huge self worth. I go out, once a month at least (mostly once a month) and enjoy myself. Last 3 times out, two dnaces and Xmas eve, I drank, I fell back to where I was when everything started, I lacked the strength to stave off drinking too much and not at all. I haven't drank other than those three times, that is a huge plus....Haven't really thought about it even. I am definitely doing more self reflection from this past weekend, it is due and I have to face it when it comes. I am going to try and get a card game going at my house this weekend, invite my friend over or go visit my cousin. Either one will be good for me. I neded to get out of my house, so seeing my cousin might be best.

I have a question for all of you, I am sure you have all felt it at one point in time in your sitch, when you got to the point where you felt you were just shoveling it against the tide, that nothing was changing and that you were totally friustrated with your situaiton to the point of giving up, how did you snap yourself out of it? God calms me down, keeps me from flying off the handle, but what things did you do to get past this...?

[FaithfulH]

LonelyD,

You're right...we've all felt (still feel) down at times...WAY down! I know you know to keep asking God what He wants you to get out of this....that is always #1. Beyond that, here are some things that helped me:

1) Find a confidante that you can sit with, pray with, talk with when you are down. I had some dear friends 5 minutes from my house who told me I could come to their house any time of day or night if I needed them. There were times I went to their house when they weren't home just to get out of my sitch and get to a "safe" place to pray and meditate.
2) Do stuff for yourself often. I got a massage every week and it was VERY therapeutic. You can probably find an inexpensive therapist that works out of their home which is what I did.
3) Look attractive. This will make you feel better. Get a haircut regularly, wear attractive clothes, shave every day. At all times, look like you are going out on a date. Personal hygiene can slip when you are in a funk....don't let it.
4) Watch what gets in your head through your eyes and ears. Listen to uplifting music...I like a lot of modern praise music....Nicole Nordemann, Sara Groves. Read stuff that helps you through. Here are some great books that helped me.

• "Wild At Heart" by John Eldredge
• "Fight for the Family" audiobook by T.D. Jakes
• "Facing Your Giants" by Max Lucado
• "Fruits of the Spirit" by Joyce Meyer
• "Journey of Desire" by John Eldredge
• "Waking the Dead" by John Eldredge
• "Sacred Romance" by John Eldredge
• "Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul" by John and Stasi Eldredge

5) Focus on your kids. Now is a great time to spend lots of time with them (and you are). I rebuilt my relationship with my kids during our separation and it has helped us in tough situations since.
6) Get exercise daily. This can be a long walk or a grueling workout at the gym. Make sure you are doing something physical.
7) Set Goals according to S-P-I-E-S. Like 25yrsmlc I benefited greatly from talking to a DB coach who gave me this acronym. Set goals in each of the areas of Spiritual, Physical, Intellectual, Emotional, and Social. When you achieve them, set new ones.

Hope this helps LonelyD....

[LonelyD]

It does, I am doing pretty much all of that. I am going to start reading again. I am a huge Stephen King fan. I enjoy reading. Yeah I set goals. S-P-I-E-S I like that. I have done that as well. At least I am in line with someone who wnet through it. 25 year hit some points about him really having nothing to offer her and me feeling like the loser for a long time. I don't feel that way anymore and haven't for a couple of months. I think the gym and reading again will help. I have a confidant or two, but lately its been you all and God. I figure the less the better.

I just called her to tell her the new health insurance card is in and where it is and explained the benefits payments again. I also told her to let me know when the car insurance will be in the account. She said she would let me know. She says she won't be stoppping by my house for her mail today, maybe tomorrow. I sounded indifferent when I was talking to her, not happy, not upset, just mono...She sounded the same. I am tempted to call my friends and ask what was up with her, and have decided that would be a disaster, it would put them in the middle. don't wanna do that. I have fought off these urges before. I want to know what went on and I don't. My life is better if I don't. I am sure my speculation is mostly correct, no need to validate those.

Telling her about her health card and reminding her about my money has calmed me. got thru the call with no meltdown and was not upset when I got off the call. I am sitting and thinking deeply alot lately. I have to for my self reflection. I have no desire to really do much. I do for myself in hopes of finding ME. I just went home for lunch, D17 was sleeping ont he sofa bed with her friend still sleeping. I made a sandwich and went into my office, the blue room. that's what I call it cuz thats the color of my room, there is no other reason. Anyway, I was watching TV eating my sandwich and then I laid down for a minute. I thought how good the room looked rearranged, no clutter. I remeber how I used to sit in there and read while she watched TV in the other room.

I was thinking how lomg it took me to unclutter everything in my rooms. How long it took to unclutter my "house" of her stuff and her memory. I thought about how it hurt to do it. But once it was done, I was able to move on and unclutter the next room. I need to find me, I know who I am, what and who I have become, but still I cannot see ME. Sounds weird I know. I am a great person, a good friend, an excellent father and provider, a good son and all the rest. I enjoy myself when I am out and actually when I am alone. I am happy alot, not happy alot and indecisive alot. The true sense of self has to do with worth, I have that. I know that I am the type of person that changes other people's lives because I am involved in theirs. Its a great feeling. for there to be ME, I need to have true slef, true meaning and a sense of self. that part is missing. We share alot of the same friends, we share the same kids, we share the sam e families. I think you get me now. I can't truly be me if I am in an environment that is shaded by "we". Now matter how it ends up, I cannot and will not be in a "we" lifestyle if there isn't one. That is my fear. GAL should be GMOL, Get My Own Life. I am not saying I need to dump my friends, but I need to push the enevelope like I did with the line dancing. these are people I know, exclusively. they are nice people, I think I need to push that further and create a LonelyD world that only I know about and the only I am in, right now. Yes, this is written in quite a few places. But looking at my rooms, they are now "my" rooms, they reflect me and when I am done they won't be our room, they will be my room. Does this make sense?

[25yearsmlc]

Everything FH said,

I got A LOT from my kids and their needs were INCREASED at this time, not lessened. So keep that in mind. Also try to see that there are SOME positives now. For one thing you can put yourself first in some ways impossible before. NOT selfishly. But I found that I could apply for jobs wherever I wanted to live, NOT FOR H's Career for once. I looked in ITALY and OMG I felt such a sense of freedom. Nope, didn't do it mainly b/c H noticed and it helped move him along and I wouldn't do that to d11. But I could watch chick flicks and little things were easier on me (never left the seat up either). Some of this is little and superficial, I know. But it was a start. THen I saw bigger things that were positive about me being without the strings of h, which at times had been chains...

More later. But FH's post was excellent and reminded me of the big stuff.
((j ))

[LonelyD]

You're right, there are thngs I do now tha tI am not feeling guilty aboutor wait for approval on. they are small, but important to me. No I agree with FH, I do. My relationship with my kids and grandssons has improved. It is better and we have a good time when we are together. They are all looking forward to my camp this summer, of which they wanted no part of. i AM STILL TRYING TO SELL IT. bUT i LIKEHEARING THEIR EXCITEMENT. THERE WILL BE NO DRAMA THERE BECAUSE mil IS GONE AND w IS GONE. sO NO DRINKING , FLIRTING , PISSING ME OFF. aND i DON'T DRINK SO THAT CALSM IT EVEN FURTHER.

[LonelyD]

sorry for the caps....

[LonelyD]

My posts today have been erratic. I went back and read all of the posts from AmyC, all of FaithfulH's input, 25year and T'gone...I have found that everytime I do see her, I lose it. I have reviewed why I lose it and it is simple, i miss her and I want her back. My strength today comes from the fact that I want her back "I do not need her back."

I have this belief that everytime she sees me she will jump into my arms and life will improve 10 fold. Not irrational, mainly subconscious. Because I am struggling to rebuild my life, my self and my sanity, I see her the way I used to see her, as the only thng at the end of the day that made me happy when everything was against me. when I see her I am split bewteen rage and love. the rage that she is the thing that has caused me the most pain in my life and the love that she is one thing I treasured the most in my life.

I no longer feel the rage, nor do I want to feel the love. I do, I always will. The old adage is you want most what you cannot have...

I am praying to Him to give me the serenity I need to lay this to rest. I know what I want, I know what I can have and what I can achieve. She is none of those right now. I do not want to "want her". I do not need that pain in my heart right now. Her emotions are for someone else, not me. She does not love me, need me, want me or anything about me. No sense in beating that dead horse. I am a casual phone call when the crap hits the fan. I will not be her janitor anymore.

It is sad and pathetic how much I love my W, and how much I want this to be over. I am getting better getting over it everyday. I looked at a lot of what Amy had posted to me, she had great insight as to why I was feeling certain ways and that certain emotions over time were normal. I think I am afraid that she really isn't coming back or coming "out of it". I think I am afraid that what God is showing me is how to live with this pain and not a probability of reconciliation. He is giving me direction, He is giving me strength and He is helping me hold onto my hope and beliefs. But is He building my hope and faith in Him and not what I want? I don't argue I need to build my faith and hope in Him, and I have. I no longer dream about her or think of anything positive about her. when I think of her or see her I see "them". I see her happy and laughing with him and doing things we used to do and her showing him the affections and words she used to show me. I no longer see postive signs from her, at any level. I see myself dark and removed. I am that long lost relaitve you contact when you need mindless info. Once you get it from him, your gone until the next time. I think I am leaning on my hope too hard and too long. I feel nothing from her at all. Nothing....That kills my soul. I am slipping that way. I am starting to feel nothing towards her, and that scares the hell out of me. My biggest frustration is chasing her for car ins money. This has come to a head. If her car ins isn't paid on Friday. I am sending her a copy of my notice of cancellation of insurance. I will file for legal seperation and take the necessary steps to remove her from any financial obligations I have with her. Once she gets the joint checking accont straightened out I will have it cancelled. I am the primary and I need to do it. I have to remove as much "we" and "us" and "ours" as possible. I hold onto these things as a crutch. I need to cast them aside and learn to walk.

She is laughing at me, this is how I feel. Playing with my emotions like a toy. I am tired of hearing that she is unhappy, miserable and in pain. I believe people tell me this so she can continue on with me enabling the situation.

Make no mistake I want her back. But that end is not in sight, she is involved elsewhere with someone else. She is trying to bring that into "my" family. I cannot tolerate that at any level. If this means it ends, then it ends. I will not have her trying to bring him into my kids lives like she tried with older D. I am sure she is trying with D17 as well, and probably already has. This is not someone who is confused or in pain or is having some kind of life meltdown. This is someone who feels the need to introduce her drama into my life. "we" cannot exist as friends, "we" cannot exist together as long as there is a "them". I will pray long and hard to God to give me reason not to feel as intnet on this as I am right now. the fury in my heart and soul is nlike anything I have ever felt. I pray to God, that this emotion is a means of shedding thru to the next level and not the final end of my war. Either that or this is what He wants.

I do not act on emoiton anymore, I will pray hard and long. I will ask Him ofr something to show me different. But the road I am on clearly is leaving her behind. I have cleared the road and paved it for her. She isn't even on the map. Over time this road will become overgrown with the weeds of time and despair. The pavement will crack under long weathered storms. I have labored hard and long, not so long as most of the men and women on this site, but my pain is my pain. I cannot survive in a world where someone can take all the years of your life and cast them aside like unwanted trash without ever looking back. I know my W, I don't know this person and I believe she is here to stay. i believe it because there is nothing in her anymore, not in her eyes not in her voice not in her actions. I will leave her alone, I will not be where sheis, I will not fall into that wlaking hell she lives in. I will not let her bring him into "my" family at any level. She cannot undo what she has done and she has burned bridges that can never be rebuilt. All the forgiveness I can give will not fix any of that. She is too far gone, I think, to even try to look back. She is stuck in the mess she has created, and she cannot see any way out. Knowing her, she will then continue on hoping that everything gets better, it won't. Her partying times will slowly come to an end, her money issues will not get better, I see them getting worse. He is 31 , 15 years younger than her, how long before he finds someone younger and closer to where he lives, not long I'll bet.

This is why I am feeling depressed. Because in my heart I know what God wants from me, but I am still not clear on what He wants me to do wit this. I go on and deal with my life while hanging onto something that isn't there, that doesn't exist in her. I have read and heard and researched everyitng until I am sick of information about what she may be going through. She needs to hit rock bottom. I snet her an email a week after this happened that I am sure she never read. I told her that I hope someday you look back and realize all that you had with me, I hope you look back and see how wonderful our life and lives were, I hope someday you want to have that again, and I hope someday that I am stil there. I cannot be your friend, I want to be your husband and everything else or nothing at all. When you realize the mistake you have made, when you realize that all of what you have done is a lie, I hope you can live with yourself, because I wil not wait forever. If I leave my feelings for you the way you did to me, there will be no road back. I pray to god, you find your happiness, I hope to God you find all the things you want that I coudn't give you, i hope to God that maybe you aren't making a mistake, maybe 31 years was a mistake. But mostly i pray to God I am here when you want to come "home".

You know I feel so much better typing this....I know in the end she will crash and burn. I am not so sure it will be soon. I think when her world crashes and she is left alone, no BF, no real friends, no money and nowhere to live, she will call. Until then, I just want my car ins money and for her to stay out of my life. I will pray to God tonight for the very thing I need right now, Tell me I am wrong, tell me this road I am on leads to salvation and my hearts desire. tell me this....If I get no answer, then my path is clear. A New Year is coming, I have set my 9's. I will not start a New year the way this one ends. God will show me the light, no matter how it comes out. Please someone come back to me on this posting. this , I am afraid, is the darkest I have posted and it is where my heart is right now.