It does, I am doing pretty much all of that. I am going to start reading again. I am a huge Stephen King fan. I enjoy reading. Yeah I set goals. S-P-I-E-S I like that. I have done that as well. At least I am in line with someone who wnet through it. 25 year hit some points about him really having nothing to offer her and me feeling like the loser for a long time. I don't feel that way anymore and haven't for a couple of months. I think the gym and reading again will help. I have a confidant or two, but lately its been you all and God. I figure the less the better.

I just called her to tell her the new health insurance card is in and where it is and explained the benefits payments again. I also told her to let me know when the car insurance will be in the account. She said she would let me know. She says she won't be stoppping by my house for her mail today, maybe tomorrow. I sounded indifferent when I was talking to her, not happy, not upset, just mono...She sounded the same. I am tempted to call my friends and ask what was up with her, and have decided that would be a disaster, it would put them in the middle. don't wanna do that. I have fought off these urges before. I want to know what went on and I don't. My life is better if I don't. I am sure my speculation is mostly correct, no need to validate those.

Telling her about her health card and reminding her about my money has calmed me. got thru the call with no meltdown and was not upset when I got off the call. I am sitting and thinking deeply alot lately. I have to for my self reflection. I have no desire to really do much. I do for myself in hopes of finding ME. I just went home for lunch, D17 was sleeping ont he sofa bed with her friend still sleeping. I made a sandwich and went into my office, the blue room. that's what I call it cuz thats the color of my room, there is no other reason. Anyway, I was watching TV eating my sandwich and then I laid down for a minute. I thought how good the room looked rearranged, no clutter. I remeber how I used to sit in there and read while she watched TV in the other room.

I was thinking how lomg it took me to unclutter everything in my rooms. How long it took to unclutter my "house" of her stuff and her memory. I thought about how it hurt to do it. But once it was done, I was able to move on and unclutter the next room. I need to find me, I know who I am, what and who I have become, but still I cannot see ME. Sounds weird I know. I am a great person, a good friend, an excellent father and provider, a good son and all the rest. I enjoy myself when I am out and actually when I am alone. I am happy alot, not happy alot and indecisive alot. The true sense of self has to do with worth, I have that. I know that I am the type of person that changes other people's lives because I am involved in theirs. Its a great feeling. for there to be ME, I need to have true slef, true meaning and a sense of self. that part is missing. We share alot of the same friends, we share the same kids, we share the sam e families. I think you get me now. I can't truly be me if I am in an environment that is shaded by "we". Now matter how it ends up, I cannot and will not be in a "we" lifestyle if there isn't one. That is my fear. GAL should be GMOL, Get My Own Life. I am not saying I need to dump my friends, but I need to push the enevelope like I did with the line dancing. these are people I know, exclusively. they are nice people, I think I need to push that further and create a LonelyD world that only I know about and the only I am in, right now. Yes, this is written in quite a few places. But looking at my rooms, they are now "my" rooms, they reflect me and when I am done they won't be our room, they will be my room. Does this make sense?