NW, Veronica, CL, and GFI, Thanks so much to all of your for helping lift me up some today...I was really having a hard time yesterday - and reading all of your words have been so very important.
So I'm just slowing down my thoughts - and being open to the emotions that pass through me. One thing that I realized today - well, more like something I remembered - is that I have a tendency to absorb the emotions of people around me - so I think being around my brother and my sister - who are both in troubled marriages - just left me feeling a lot of their sadness - and that's really unfair to me and to them - since it is their sadness to feel...not mine.
I read through my posts from Sept and October today - and saw a lot of what was going on - and got a reminder of how bad things were at home...how sometimes there were these glimmers of hope - but how they would almost always be destroyed when she would go visit her parents for a weekend...there were two times when I noticed that things were showing the baby steps of improvement - only to tumble downward as soon as she would come back from a trip to see them...she never talked with me about her trips - only insisted that they were great visits - so I don't know how it really was.
I'm going to have to give myself more time to understand what I'm feeling - and even what I'm thinking - and also where the pain comes from...since I know it's a sign of something not being right.
GFI - my subject...when I was in graduate school I specialized in Medieval Literature - with an emphasis on German, French and Latin...for the last nine years though, since leaving graduate school, I've worked as a freelance writer - writing anything from consumer catalogs to Web sites - and a few episodes of a children's TV show. The goal right now is to go back into academics - mostly to teach - and still write fiction and screenplays...I've written a novel, but haven't ever tried to get it published...and I have two other novels that are at about 200+ pages but in need of attention...
Anyway...with my specialty - finding a job can be tricky - so I'm looking more for something that allows me to teach critical reading and writing skills.
Just trying to clear my head of a lot of thoughts this morning so I can get more work done...
I went to my father's house last night - with my S11, my sister, her husband and their two kids. We had a good time - though it's always odd because my father has this strange coldness toward my sister's H - and just doesn't talk with him - or interact with him at all - and then blames him for being so distant...it's the odd thing my father and my W have in common - that impulse to project and then blame the other person for the issues.
Anyway - last night was the first time I've talked with my father's family about my situation - and they had a lot of questions about what is going on...I answered as best I could, and just tried to keep emphasizing that my wife is in a lot of pain right now and that she seems to be suffering through something very painful...my father's W was very understanding of that - but my father is already of the move on and forget about her mindset...and would only ask me what I would do when she starts seeing someone else...that's my father's concern - motivated by the fact that he was always really fond of my wife - and captivated by her intelligence and her gentle kind of beauty...
But when my father feels betrayed he has a habit of rejecting people very forcefully and expecting the worst from them (hm...that's just what I did when my W first dropped the bomb...and when she had her affair...I guess I'm learning something)...I don't know if my W will start seeing someone else - maybe she will, maybe she won't - but either way, I have to move on and keep doing what I have to do. That's what I said to my father last night when he asked me what I would do if she started seeing someone - and he didn't seem to get it - though his wife thought it was the best attitude to have.
I also told my father and his family about my plans to return to teaching - and was surprised by their enthusiasm and support. The more I think about it and discuss it with friends and family - the more I look forward to it - it will be a ton of work -but it's always been the type of work I enjoy...
One interesting development from last night is that my S11 finally heard about some of the deeper stuff that's been going on - and as we drove back to my mom's house, we had a chance to talk about things that he hadn't understood quite yet. A big part of the reason I decided to talk with him about it all is because he's been asking me questions about why my W seems so angry - and where it comes from - and why she's even been "mean" to him over the last few months...and last night he overheard the conversation about my W threatening to call the police...and it upset him to think that she could do that. I told him I didn't think she really would call the police - and that she hasn't said anything like that in a long time...still...it was a difficult conversation to have with him - because I don't want to involve him in adult matters - but I also don't want to add to his confusion...and I also don't want him to get caught up in the emotional mess of it all - or for him to judge her...I told him that she's a good person going through a hard time - and reminded him that I love her very much - and wish the best for her - even if the best means that she has to go on without me/us as part of her life. He asked me if that meant he would ever stop seeing my S2 - and I promised him that would never happen...no matter what happens in my life, I will always make time for my boys to spend time together...which will certainly be even easier once my S11 is living with me after next year (and until he goes off to college...gasp...I'm getting old).
I think you handled things very well with your son. What do I know about parenting, I know, but it seems to me that you struck a very good balance between giving him the information he needs to understand the situation and make sense of things while not burdening him with adult baggage. Well done.
Thanks, V...talking with my S11 is always a work in progress - since he keeps letting me know, little by little, that he's picked up on more than it seems - and so he has more questions than I would have expected...he recently asked me if my W is having trouble now because of anything her father might have done...I'm still figuring out the best way to handle that questions...for now, all I told him is that sometimes people we love can be harmful to us...and not even know it...
My New Year's plans are pretty simple - my son and I are flying back to LA on New Year's Eve - and then we'll just spend the night at home - staying up till midnight, watching the ball drop - and then sleeping in and resting the next day...should be just fine.
Sounds like a nice, low-key evening. I will be doing the same with my mom and brother, minus the flight to LA.
Just a thought regarding talking with your son, would it work to ask him what he thinks in response to his own questions? For example, when he asked if your wife is having trouble because of something her father might have done, ask him what thinks about that. It might help you gauge the level of his understanding of the situation.
I used to be a teacher and though I have no children of my own, I found that to be a useful technique in figuring out how much they knew about a subject.
Hi Veronica, That sounds like a great approach - I'll give it a try the next time he brings up any questions.
I've been kind of wrecked with emotions today...and again I'm not really sure why...I think it part it was just having to talk about the situation with my father's family...in part it was also just the prospect of heading back to LA in a couple days. Other than my kids (and my W), I really don't have any family out there - I have some good friends...but they won't be back in town until mid January...at least I have to leave town for work again on January 6 - which should be a good distraction for about a week.
I talked with my sister a bit about the emotions running through me - and she suggested I might just be in another stage of the mourning process - this time going through the process of letting go of the memories I had with my wife here...at my mom's house, at my father's house, and at places around town. I grew up here - but I have more memories from my time visiting with my W than from my childhood...
I started to feel just slightly overwhelmed today by the massive changes that are coming my way - moving, finding a new job, going back into academics, letting go of my W...just so many things are going to change in such a big way...
I was reading the idea of being an unconditional friend that you referred to, Veronica, and I sometimes wish I had more opportunities to do that - to be there as her friend - but we're still at the stage where she won't talk with me about anything...I'm still kind of dark - not talking pursuing at all, no R/M talk - no talk really about anything but our son and finances...and I worry that I might be letting her drift further away - but then again, when I think back to where we were, I don't think she could really drift that much further without falling off the planet...
No one knows how long it takes for a WAS to take notice of what is missing...so I don't want to push it...and I don't want to make a mess of anything...I still have it in the back of my mind that I am ready for D should it come up - but it's still not what I want to happen...I've even given a lot of thought to asking my W if she would be interesting in a Retrouvaille weekend...which, oddly enough, would be a huge 180 from me - since I'm not given to that kind of stuff at all - and am also not a religious person by any stretch of the imagination...from what I've read though - their approach seems to make a lot of sense...and also seems to be a place for real dialog.
And as I write this stuff, I ask myself - are you nuts? Have you forgotten what she's going through? That you are not the problem - and that she has to travel this journey as she must? No, I've not forgotten any of that - and I still won't ask her to go to retrouvaille with me - I just want to suggest she look into it...in case she might have a breakthrough some months from now - just so she knows there's another option out there.
It's just so very strange...I've gone dark - so too has she - and it makes me want to talk with her more - it makes me want to open up to her, ask her about her day...be her friend...but it doesn't seem to do anything like that for her - and so I know that I have to wait - and not push it - be patient and continue to focus on what I have to do...I just feel so worn out by it sometimes...and that's also part of the reason I think I find myself opening up to the idea of D more and more (and even convinced myself of it just a few days ago)...it would just put this stage to an end, in a way, so that I can move on more directly...though, from the pain in my heart, I know that it's still not what I want...since, despite all the pain of the last few months, despite the abusive behavior and the drama...I find that I still love her...does that just make me a glutton for punishment? No...it's mostly because my love for her has a way of remembering the best times we shared - her smile, her laughter, her kindness, her intelligence and wit...I guess the difference now - is that I love these aspects of her - without feeling the need to "fix" the other parts of her...ah well...enough of that...time to work again...
Carlos I think your sis is right. You are going through another stage of mourning process. I think grieving is like walking up in a circular staircase. You will hit other emotions along the way in cycle and eventually you will walk all the way to the top. It just takes times. I know what you mean feeling overwhelmed. I am not changing my job or moving, but all the unknowns are just not sitting well sometimes. Try to stay in present, tackle one thing at a time and you will be just fine. As far as suggesting going to Retrouvaille, I will sit on that for couple days. It may come out as your idea....you know the control feelings never sit well with WAS. Let the mourning pass through, you will have a clearer idea on where you at.
Keep up the good work...
NW626
Me:33 STBXW:38 S:3 It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you fight the fight....!!
Hey NW, You've been doing great - and dealing with so much with such grace...I think about you often and how you are moving forward and doing your best to stay positive.
I like the image of a staircase spiraling upward...my own inclination was to think of it as spiraling downwards..but up is so much more hopeful - and accurate.
I' doing my best to stay in the present - though at times the reality of what awaits me over the next few months - the many changes - just has me looking forward in ways that feel necessary at times...just to prepare. I know I will be able to handle it - for whatever reason, I've been raised with upheaval - and so I am almost hard-wired for this sort of thing - it's just that I've never felt such a loss with the upheaval before...that's the new factor in all of this form me...though as I wrote that - I also heard myself saying, wait a minute, yes there is loss...but it this had never happened, would you be looking forward to getting back into teaching in a year or two? Probably not...I suppose it's kind of like when you implode an old building (not an historic one) to build a new one...sometimes you just have to do it to leave the space to rebuild...
The mourning will pass...I feel better now than I did just a couple hours ago...and I think it's just because I sat down after a while and started doing the work I had to do...any right now I'm taking a quick break...while my S11 sits next to me and does some stuff on his computer...he likes tossing together comical power-point presentations...he's just so unreal to me sometimes. We've both managed to stay on CA time during out trip to Ohio - so it means we've got a few more hours of awake time ahead of us...even though it is already 9.30pm here...it's only 6.30pm for our bodies...
Stay in the present...Carpe Diem...I forget how to say seize the day in Chinese...is it ba wo ji yu? Can't remember...
hm...nothing really changes...does it? Or does it? I just don't know.
My W just called so I could talk with my baby boy - she handed him the phone - I talked, me made his adorable baby sounds for a few minutes and then she took the phone back from him. She didn't hang up right away as she usually does, however - and so I asked her a bit about how he was today, going back to daycare after a holiday - and she said he was great...I was just about to ask her about how her family is doing - when she quickly said, "my battery is about to die, I'll talk to you later. Bye." So...she's hung up on me that way before...but this time I just let it go...and slipped in a goodbye as she was hanging up...Why this conversation? Because, as the phone rang, I thought about the idea of being her friend no matter what...and as her friend I just wanted to know how her family was doing...but she cut me off...which is a shame, because I was also about to tell her about how much my sister's daughter loved the clothes my W sent along for her...ah well...I suppose I have to remember that she doesn't want to be friends with me...(yet?)...
I got a very moving email from a friend of mine whom I only recently told what has been happening in my life...she said something I wanted to share with others here....
"I wonder sometimes why it is that the people who have such a lot of compassion and human wisdom get thrown such tricky balls to field. Maybe because they can actually catch them? Who knows."
Her words reminded me of so many of you...how you helped me with your wisdom and kindness even when in the midst of your own pain and confusion.
