Separated for 2 months... ice is thawing a little

[istherehope]

Hi CL,

I think going dark is good in some situations, and counter-productive in others. I am sure others will weigh in with their thoughts and experiences here, which may be completely different than mine. One of the reasons given for going dark is to be able to take some time for yourself to detach from the emotional rollercoaster that even the most stalwart seem to ride. If you feel that you would personally benefit from this kind of emotional time and space, then it may be worth considering. Another reason given for doing this is to allow the WAS to see what life without you would really be like, and also to potentially pique the WAS' interest in you. In my own situation, 2 days was the most that I ever went without contact from H, but I did decide not to initiate, and was able to keep this up for about 2 months, apart from a couple of business emails. Going dark should not be ignoring your spouse when he/she does reach out (unless there is abuse or other boundaries that are being crossed). The only reason I say I never went dark is because my H reached out constantly. If he hadn't though, my plan was to stay dark. In my case I chose not to initiate contact because H thought that I had been controlling, and my DB coach said that it was important for him to be able to feel in control of the separation, and in control of the cadence of contact. This killed me at first, but I learned somehow to cope and made each day without initiating contact a goal reached. I can imagine that when there are children involved you will not be able to go completely dark either, but can remain dim, i.e. no non-essential contact. From what I have seen on the boards, this often does spark the WAS' interest again, although there is of course the possibility that it will increase the distance between the two of you.

I think the rule of thumb is to change the way that you interact/have contact. So, if you were the pursuer either in the R or after the bomb, stepping back will likely have an impact. However if your W has complained that you did not take enough of an interest in her or the R, or that you were distant, going dark may alienate her. Have you considered DB coaching? I ask because the DB coach is likely to be able to give you very specific suggestions for contact based on your own situation. I've mentioned the advice that I got, but I remember that a successful DBer, Pisces, had gotten advice not to go dark because it would make her H feel like a schmuck. If you don't go the DB route, maybe you could give us more details on what's prompting the thoughts about going dark?

Well done on your game by the way :). It sounds like you are making the most of your time.

Are you on FB?

ITH