My sitch is much the same, when H became self employed his income went way over my W2 income. He doesn't have too much trouble collecting, but he doesn't work the last 4 (mlc) years near as much as he used to so the income isn't there. Just recently he stated he was going to start something he had dropped and if he follows thru it will really help. His cc debt is tremendous but he has tried to keep it a secret from me, I snooped. He still won't admit it. I hate those late fees and finance charges! That's something I found out too late about, you know - the classic I never thought H would do something like that. duh. I won't even try to help him until he admits it and we can talk about it.
Yes my H does control by avoiding. He always has, I know that. The flip side is that there are things that cannot be avoided and I go ahead and get it done. He's gotten very irate and we've had big fights about it. I can still his words ringing - "you always have to rush in and save the day". Well, when the cow is in heat SOMEONE has to make sure the bull can get to her!!! Literally, he went off on me for bringing in a bull to breed the cows when they were ready. I was so hurt by his words because I was just doing what needed to be done. It took me a while to realize he was projecting his anger and his guilt onto me because he knew he should have done it.
I have learned there are things that really MUST be taken care of, and things that I think SHOULD be taken care of. Fine line and if I dwelled on all those things that I still wait for I can escalate right back to crazy.
How can you cope? before you 'rush in to save the day' think about the individual situation. Is there a deadline? What if it doesn't get done? What is the worst if you let it go? Will you survive if it waits until next week or next month?
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
