If you put a time frame on it (and I think you should), do it for YOU, and do NOT communicate to him what it is. Just say something like "I won't wait forever," or "my patience isn't without its limits" or whatever. Because if you communicate, say, a 90-day deadline, than he's going to cake-eat for 89 days, and then PROMISE YOU THE WORLD on the 90th day to stop you from leaving.
It is true that I do not believe in separation, because:
a) it only gives the wayward spouse the time and space in which to conduct their affair, unemcumbered;
b) it greatly limits the betrayed spouse's opportunities to "live out their changes" in front of the wayward spouse, and show them the "new you";
c) historically, it's usually just a precursor to divorce.
There are exceptions, such as if physically being together in the same household is so toxic that the children are negatively effected, but for the most part, I do NOT advocate moving out, nor throwing them out.
I DO advocate telling them "I will not live in an open marriage," and "I won't wait forever." If he asks you what that means, just say "It means what it means," and don't give him any specific ultimatums or dates.
I do not think marriage counseling is going to be effective while there is an active affair going on; even Retrouvaille makes that a precondition of attendance. But that's your call.
Actually, it's ALL your call, obviously. I would contend, however, that he already knows how you truly feel, and you have already MORE than "put yourself out there." Anything further is just going to be seen as "pursuing," and even pure DB catechism says not to do that. What you CAN do is just GAL and live out the "new, confident Pearl" in front of him, daily, and show him by your mere presence that you are still in the relationship.
If you do ask him to move back into your bed, and you decide to be intimate, I would strongly encourage you to use protection.
