No angel here for sure, but your comment is interesting. See, I actually feel how these things are positive compared to how H used to be. There is still a long journey ahead for the whole H to reappear and be the man and the H that he was. For some reason God put me on this trail, maybe He knew I had to get stronger on the inside and this was the challenge for me.
It would be real real easy to complain about all the things that aren't right yet, but I choose to focus on things that have changed and are so much better than 1 year, 2 years, 3 years, 4 years ago. H is not back to being my partner yet but he does not act like I am his enemy anymore.
The thing that has helped me the most is the hard work I put in to regain the happy pieces of my life. I let too much slip away when I was losing H, I didn't have the gumption to go back to doing everything on my own. You see, when I let H into my life we were the type of couple that did everything together. Our hobbies were the same, our friends were the same, we traveled, we volunteered, we built our place, we had it all and I felt so blessed and considered us the Golden Couple.
I had given up my own identity to become an extension of H. He was the guy in front with the ideas while I was the doer in the background. (remember his 'engine' comment?) When H emotionally divorced me he left in every way except he came home to sleep. We lived in the same house and could go for days and not see or speak to each other. I HAD to step and take care of me and this place. It took me too long to get here but I did. Can you tell I am not a 'snap' decision maker? lol
That's the long answer to how I put with H's crap. The short answer is that I moved forward and rebuilt my life so I feel good about what I do and who I am. If H steps in and fills the spot I have left open for him that will be a bonus.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Yesterday 2 high school girls came out to ride horses. One was local, the other was from Thailand. She doesn't like the cold and the snow and it was her 2nd time on a horse. They had a lot of fun and I had a lot of help from them as they traded riding for labor. Ride and work
H was home early enough that I had just gotten inside, we snacked and watched a movie. North Country, based on a true story about sexual harassment. Wow does it make me feel like I have a cushy life!
H and I are invited by friends to get together sometime over the holidays. I suggested NYE but H says he works late, and offered where. Again, that is a big change from when he would just say he would not be home, and not consider going anywhere with me! This morning H asked if this evening we could get together with our friends. We have plans for tonight now.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
WCW, funny funny. I stopped at the Dollar Store Christmas eve to pick up some last minute stuff. I bought a few movies as I figured they'd come in handy passing the time through the holidays. Christmas night I watched..."North Country".
Pretty good movie I thought. Have a great night out!!! TOH
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
You see, when I let H into my life we were the type of couple that did everything together. Our hobbies were the same, our friends were the same, we traveled, we volunteered, we built our place, we had it all and I felt so blessed and considered us the Golden Couple.
I had given up my own identity to become an extension of H. He was the guy in front with the ideas while I was the doer in the background. (remember his 'engine' comment?) When H emotionally divorced me he left in every way except he came home to sleep. We lived in the same house and could go for days and not see or speak to each other. I HAD to step and take care of me and this place.
I wonder how many spouses do this? And I wonder how much this contributes to where we end up? My H decided to start up his own business and I worked really hard to fill in the gaps, offer suggestions, and make things work. I set up contractors, wrote HR manuals, and took over the finances. I really considered myself a partner in his business as well as his life. Plus we also shared friends, family, and hobbies. It seems like he just snapped. You mentioned that you were an extension of H. I think I did the same thing and that contributed to making me the enemy. EPIPHANY I think some of this was just a MASSIVE overreaction to him wanting his identity back and he didn't have the emotional or communication skills to just tell me to back off nicely. Hmmm...something to think about.
Married - 19 years Noticed Problem - Aug 2008 THE Conversation - Oct 2008
The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.
mojo, no problem. It's interesting to listen to others perspectives.
Thinking, it sounds like we both fell into the trap of thinking that we what we were doing was helping and supporting them to become successes. I felt that I worked my butt off to make all of H's dreams come true. What did I get in return? I finally got so tired of running behind him and continuing on with everything that he dropped, and he had moved on to his next dream. He told me that I never supported him in anything. So not true but it was his version and I had to listen to what he felt. I learned that I holding him up doesn't fix him.
Our 'night out' was nice. H was not talkative at all while we driving but once we met up with our friends he was his nice normal self. His cell phone went off during dinner and he apologized and said who it was and called them back later. I even caught him smiling at me while I was telling a funny story. Now if only we arrived home and went to bed together and......
Sunday we were home together, I asked about going to town together to get some things - and we did! We actually did a little shopping together. I know...hold me back...I nearly feel like a giddy teenager! So much of everything has been on hold for so long it's like the whole house needs updating. All we (I) bought though was the converter boxes for the tv's to keep working. When we got home H promptly installed them! I sure don't like the way it all works but I guess the government still has the power to keep herding us the direction they want.
Plucking away at tidying the house a little at a time. Last night I asked H if he would do chores for me, and he said he didn't mind doing chores and out he went. I better be careful I don't take advantage of that! Unfortunately H left a gate open and a pen of horses was out this morning!
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Sounds like things are moving in a positive direction for you guys. Maybe the new year will clear out the cobwebs and offer some of our significant others a fresh perspective.
Married - 19 years Noticed Problem - Aug 2008 THE Conversation - Oct 2008
The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.
Wow, quite a bit of action over here in this forum. Just keep working on the positives, bring them closer together. Make the norm the happy times again. Yes it's been a long haul, but at least there is positive movement.
