Ignore the affair or throw him out?

[pearlharbr]

I really hate myself right now. I'm wavering yet again. Sigh. After being up most of the night I came to the conclusion that my ultimate goal was to be able to say I tried everything and mean it, regardless of the outcome. If I want that to be true I need to DB and follow the DB coach's advice which entails ignoring the affair for now and not pushing him out of the house. (And I'm slowly working my way through Puppy's threads and saw that even he said you can't repair a marriage from across town.)

I was talking to a girlfriend last night who has been through a divorce so I value her take on things. She said that if I really want to save the relationship then I have to swallow my pride and be the one to put myself out there. That may entail going to marriage counseling, asking him to move back into our bedroom, telling him how I truly feel about him, etc. I'm not sure I agree with all of these tactics but it is something to think about.

If I do choose this route, it will be with a time limit. I realize the premise of DBing is to have unlimited patience but I need to draw the line somewhere. Right now I'm thinking three months tops. If there is no significant change then I will swiftly end things and move on with my life without him.

I admit that part of the reason for this plan is to abdicate responsibility for ending the relationship. If he wants out of the relationship then he needs to be the one to initiate moving out, financial settlement, etc. I do not want to make it easy for him to walk away because it shouldn't be easy to walk away. Bottom line, I want him to man up. I know I can't control his actions but I can control mine. When I'm thinking rationally, not responding emotionally, this is what I want.

I will continue to contemplate my course of action over the rest of the week and am determined to have a definite plan of action by Monday.

Please do not think I am blatantly disregarding the advice I have received here. I am perfectly willing to hear everyone say "I told you so" if/when things get worse or just don't get better. That is the choice I would be making. I spent years neglecting our relationship, I can give three more months to really work on myself and see where it goes.