Had a converstion with my W this morning and not really sure it did any good. Told her I was tired of all this stuff. That I want more than what I am getting and that I just don't know how she feels. She of course responded by saying that she thought things were getting better and that we were talking more and laughing and stuff. I said I see that also but I have no idea how you feel?
This must be a difficult question because she never did answer it. I told her about the other day when she sunggled up to me and said that she was cold and I told her to come under the covers with me to warm up and she did not and how that made me feel and that I can't get close to her sometimes. She responded by saying there are times she feels unwanted when she gets close to me and I don't put my arm around her or on hers.
I told her "its hard to talk to her on sensitive subjects. I can't bring it up in the morning because your tired, I can't do it at night because the kids are up and I can't do it during the day because we are too busy. That is why I asked you 3 months ago, 6 months ago and 8 months ago to go to MC with me so we could learn how to communicate.
I don't want to be here six months from now doing the same thing, hell I don't want to be doing this in three months. I want to be able to hug you or kiss you without it feeling akward and I know you say we haven't been like that in a long time. But neither of us liked the old R so why do you want to have our new R be anything like the old.
I think you are waiting for this to all feel natural but it never will unless we get past the awkwardness. Also I feel you are trying to keep your distance for some reason and I don't know what that is. You come to bed late at night always staying up later than me, I get up early in the morning so we are hardly awake at the same time"
She said that she likes to stay up late and relax by herself and she stays up till the kids go to bed. She says she has feelings for me or she would not be here but what are they? She then said oh I get what you are saying. (meaning not being awake at the same times but I doubt she got the whole meaning only part of it)
And maybe I am just frustrated, or maybe I am stressed from work, or maybe its the holidays, or maybe I thought I would get more reaction from her for the gift I spent months working on for her, or maybe I am just feeling lonely and need some loving. Its probably a combination of all the above.
But I'm tired of pussy footing around this subject and it needed to be said but again I doubt it was worth my breath.
