Thanks, both of you. I know the advice is good and every sitch is different. forgiveness is hard and I underzstand it is for me, so that I can deal with things. I am riding outside the storm right now, I think I need to stay there. I do 180's, slowed my GAL, because of the holidays and how they have affected me. Line dancing starts again in two weeks so I start that agian, which truly helps. Going back to the gym is key. Also looking for a part time job to help with my finances.
God is not revealing too much to me, because I believe He doesn't want me me straying from where I am. I need to focus and stop asking Him to give me this and to give me that. I am not getting answers and it is frustrating me. This whole situation is crap. I have so much I have to deal with in my life right now. I have ore responsibility with everyday and every turn. This mess is just adding to a mountain of crap that I need to shovel out from under everyday, just to breath. My heaviest frustration is her not having a damn thing to be responsible for. If her car goes to repo, I co-signed, they come after me. Found out that I cannot legally drop her car insurance because there is a loan and lien on the title. Biggest mistake I made was getting joint insurance. thought back then, by doing that, it would show her I cared and she'd come back. If I knew then what I know now.
I'd love to piss my bills to the wind, go out whenever I want, not have to worry about my D17's whereabouts, her school work, whether or not she eats or any of that. Going out with someone every weekend for sex and not having to worry about a goddam thing. That is my frustration. I sit and worry about my bills, food in the house, the condition of my house, my D, all my kids, my grandkids, and then if there is energy and time left, worry about me. the reason I keep backsliding is just that, there is no ME! none, doesn't exist, I am a blend of my actions and attitude, I am thehouse, I am the sole provider, I am the go to guy at work, I am the walrus for crying out loud. Everyday I have crosses to bear, most days I am ready for them. For 5 months I have carried these crosses across the desert and continue on. My worload at work is increasing daily, sometimes hourly. I am seriously under the gun. I got projects at home completed to keep things organized. I now focus onthe financials which ran thru my head like a freight train last night. I am not looking for pity, no poor me's, but in the scheme of things, nothing is working in my favor. I find myself more cynical than ever before. I find myself very closed, which I never was, I find myself being distant, which I never was...I am lost in all that I am responsible for and in control of. There is no sense of me,no sense of self....This is how I felt after my Dad died, that I believe was the start of my MLC. Most thngs that I want in life are farther away from me and slipping from view. Maybe that's what He wants, me to just forget all I was. I can't believe that, but in the scheme of things, I am a better provider, I am more in control, I have a sense of responsiblity greater than before, but I have no life....There isn't any thing left at the end of the day for me. I am tired, I am sooooooo tired of all of this...Sorry, hate to sound so depressed, don't mean to, but I can only get honest advice if I am honest with all of you. I am not sure how much more I can take, I am at the breaking point and don't think it will take much to make me snap...My hope is still there which is why I don't give up or give in...I have a tremendous feeling of alone....I see my accomplishments every day and I am happy for them. But I believe there is no longer a ME.
