First off, you are not stupid. I know you feel that way. I did. My H moved out of the house for 3 months in early 2007. While he was out of the house he carried on an inappropriate relationship with a woman from his work. When he moved home ("cause he loved me and just knew we could work things out if we both tried very hard"), he admitted that they'd been "very good friends" and had allowed a few of their telephone convos. to become "inappropriate." But, that they put an end to it before it went too far so that they could both put their energies into their marriages.
In hindsight, he tried for about 2 months to work on my M. Then, I found some things on his computer that led me to believe that their R might have been more. I started asking questions. He blew me off. He looked me in the eye more times than I can count and said "Amy, there was nothing more."
Fast-forward to fall 2008. He's left home, moved her here, and taken her to the movies with my children. At one point he even tried to say that since I wouldn't leave him alone about the nature of their R and since I just kept hounding him about it, he decided he'd just start up an A (in July of 2007). In all honesty, I do beleive when he came home last year it was to work on the M. I think she probably told him they both should try. But, the constant daily contact was more than he could take, and he couldn't get over her. He decided that was love, and here we are.
I felt so stupid. I mean I lived a over a year with a man who was inventing overnight work trips so he could sleep with another woman. I lived with him as his wife. We shared laughs and good times and the same bed. In some ways, I suppose I knew about the A. That's why I asked about it over and over. But there was this part of me that just couldn't grasp it. I mean, I could never lie like that to someone I claimed to love. How could he? Turns out I was a little naive, but I wasn't stupid. I trusted the wrong person at the wrong time. But, in hindsight, I'd do that again too. He made the same promise I did back in 1996. Mine was sincere, I had every reason to believe that his was too. My heart wasn't made to question the sincerity of a promise. I'm not built that way. But, I'm not stupid.
While I was feeling stupid, I was so angry. I hated him and her for what they'd done. I hated myself for not seeing it sooner for allowing problems in the M to get to the point that he looked outside it.
But, I prayed about it. I prayed that I could stop hating them both and myself. I prayed that I could be strong enough to forgive them both. I prayed (and still do) for salvation for both of them. And, I found peace about it.
Sure, every once in a while I still remember sometime that I asked him specifically about her presence on a particular trip, etc., and I get sick to my stomach remembering his denial. But, they are few and far between now.
My point is, you are better than this. You are not stupid. You trusted the wrong man at the wrong time. You wanted to believe what you were told because you wanted to save your family. That just makes you a wonderful woman with a big heart. You will be better off if you can try to release the anger, and I don't know any way to do that but to pray about it. It's bigger than you and me.
The final point I want to make, is that he expects you to be angry and to lash out. Don't give him that satisfaction anymore. He feels guilty and thinks he deserves the anger (he does, but). After I found out for sure, I had two times when I just completely lost it on my H...screaming at him at the top of my lungs. He sat and took it, because he knew that's what I'd do. When I quit that, it took him a while to know what to do about interacting with me. And, I think in some ways he felt even worse...I wasn't the bi$#h that he figured I would be. I was actually working hard a being the bigger person and at trying to make ours a civil R for the sake of the kids.
Come here when you want to scream, etc. Don't text him, don't call him. This is no longer about him. It's about you and the kids.
You've come a long way in a short time, and things will get easier from here! And, when you read that and think to yourself, "She just doesn't understand." Reread the story above and know that I do understand. I completely understand!
Love to you, Kristi!!!
You are in my prayers.
Amy
Me 39 H 36 S 7 S 4 T 15 M 12 H out 8/1/08 OW confirmed 8/6/08 D final on 6/12/09...I'm doing good!
