I'm here........

[SueS]

Well, how does that song go by OAR? How many times will I break 'til I shatter....

All kinds of questions run through my mind....

So, back in September, early October, H was here. Fully here...affectionate, calling, emailing...etc. Then, mid-end of October...BAM! He shut down. No hugs, no holding me, no kisses...etc. It set in right around the time that he got his license back full time. I tried to see past it and keep life as it was. I didn't stop my affection. In fact, maybe I pushed too much. There were times that I pushed and said that I wanted my husband back. Oh, nothing done yet on the DUI situation. His court date keeps getting pushed back.

We'd been getting along, but my suspicions started to grow again when he would call from work and give me the full run down of what he was going to do. He'd call and say....okay, I'm going to stick around for just a little longer, then I'm going to stop here or there...or I'm going to run out for a beer with my co-worker....I'll be home by..... If I would try to call him back, the calls would go unanswered. Then, when he did answer, he was angry. WHY? Why be angry that I'm calling? One particular night he called to say that he'd been SUPER busy so he'd be at work for a while longer and then was going to head out for a beer and he'd be home fairly early. I forgot to ask him something and called him back at work 2 minutes later. His voicemail was already set to say he was gone for the day....tried his cell....no answer.

So, this past Saturday I checked his phone. Yes, I'd seen calls to/from OW. No calls when I looked on Sat., but I did find a picture. It was of H. He was in his car, smiling. Clearly someone else had taken it of him. Yesterday I asked him about it. He kept saying that he was goofing around with his phone and that it was nothing. I pushed further and asked about the lack of affection. I told him, you know, we have sex and you sleep in our bed, but you don't hold me, you don't hug me, kiss me....etc. He said, I haven't done that in a while. I said, WRONG....you did that when you first came back and then by the end of October, you shut it all off again. I asked him if he'd seen that I'd been trying to make things work. He said...you're trying because you have to, not because you want to. He then told me that his feelings hadn't changed. That he had come back because of D4. I felt like someone punched me in the stomach. Oh, let's not forget the portion of the conversation where he reminded me that this all started not long after we moved to MN. In other words, putting it back on me.

I know full well that things have ramped up again with OW and that's why he's backing away again. I wanted to tell him to get out right then and there, but then I've seen how happy D4 has been since he's been back and we've been getting along. I'd forgo my own happiness for hers but I don't think I can live with him if he continues to see OW. I'm putting myself right back where I was.

I can't remember if I posted this, but a little over a month or so ago I spoke with OW's H. He confirmed my fear. He said that OW came home one day from work the beginning of September and told him that she'd ended it with my H. She told him that she was willing to be his wife and a good mother. She said that she was going to put her feelings in a box for now. In OW's H's words...."in so many words, she told me that he (my H) still has her heart". He said that they've been getting along, but that he'd confirmed with their oldest D, that OW and my H still communicate constantly. I knew in my heart that my H hadn't ended things or that they had made some sort of pact that it wasn't really over. I knew that because I never saw my H go through one single bit of withdrawl or unhappiness. I just kept hoping that it was over. I did push my H from time to time. He kept saying.....yes, it's really over.

Now I guess I'm numb all over again. The one thing that gives me joy (D4) actually had to comfort her own mommy yesterday. I cried and slept all day. I tried to keep it away from her but it wasn't easy.

Well, I'm ready for the feedback. I'm ready for the....You should have seen it coming....

I'm sorry that I haven't been here in so long. I should have known better than to stop posting. Part of it was because work has been busy and I still don't have internet hooked up at home.

Thanks everyone!