I want to thank you all. No sleep last night. tossed and turned, Remebered everyting, saw everything, relived everything, from the the bomb drop to now. Prayed hard last night asked Him to help me. Its such a lonely battle. I had read a item on detaching that FaithfulH had sent me. Talked about being sick from not detaching. That's how I felt.

I am detached/detaching still, this I know. I quess what my issue is is that this is going on, I can't believe it is happening to me still. I guess that I was oping it was coming to an end. I knew in my heart it wasn't , God only knows when and if that will happen.

He really gave me nothing to think about today. Blurred vision from about 2 hours sleep last night, thats it. I am looking at these things right now:

1. To spend time on her other than my car insurance is futile and frustrating, Won't do it. Can't waste the energy.

2. No longer available to her.

3. Need to get out of my house. I feel safe there, but I need to get away from it. I do when the opportunity arises, need to create my own opportunities.

4. Her life improves with me. I feel better about my life with her. Is it better to be me, to do the things I'm doing if she doesn't back versus if she does? I am in a win -win situation with me. I believe this, hurts to think that way, but I believe it.

5. Do I care what she does, where she goes and who she's with? Yes, absolutely. she is my wife and I love her. My detachment from this is geting better. I will need to go dark and not be anywhere she is.

6. I have trusted this to God for over a month, good thngs have happened, some negative things as well. I need to stay out of the way so I don't screw things up. Keep praying for the end of this situation, pray for my sanctity and sanity, pray for her safety and pray for my family.

7. Everytime I think of her I will go to the gym. I outta look like a bodybuilder in a month. I need to take the energy of thinking about her and put it to use.

8. Need to get my finances locked down now that Xmas is over.

9. I need to stay in control of me. My emotions, my feelings, and who I choose to let in. She is locked out right now. Until everything els eabove gets done, I have to lock her out, like she doesn't exist at all in my life. I have done it for the most part, I must do it completely now.

These are my 9. these are where I i will focus. God will take care of the rest. The last thing He needs is my soory self getting involved and trying to rationaliz an unrational situation, give my self unnecessary stress and create anything that resembles her seeing me as wanting her back.