Im glad to see you are still hanging around in piecing.
Quote: In my mind I was asking because to ME, relaxation does not involve work-related reading, but he made it very clear that he enjoys this stuff, thus it’s NOT work. And even if it WERE, who the hell am I to tell him how to relax at camp!!!?
I would have to agree with CJ on this one. Example: My XW reads all of the time. I on the other hand, do not like to read novels. On Sundays, I like to watch football. It was almost every Sunday that W would be setting on the couch reading a book, so I would switch it over to a football game, and she would comment on it... "Do we have to watch this?"
I never understood why it bothered her so much that I wanted to watch football, if she was reading a book. Football was relaxing to me, and reading was relaxing to her.
On the same note, you were reading a book. CJ decided to do what he wanted to do. In no way was it directly affecting you, so (in my opinion) it shouldnt have mattered what he was doing.
One of my major complaints in my M was XW's nagging. And this would have been a good example of what I meant by that. I had lots of hobbies when we got married. Eventually I had none. Why? Because I didnt like hearing a bunch of sh!t about it. W would decide she was going to take a nap. "Ok, Im going to go play golf then." "You're going to play golf. Why?" "What else do you want me to do, sit here and watch TV while you're sleeping?"
Why did she care? I could get home from golfing before she woke up, and it was still thrown in my face, or brought up later that I got to play golf that day.
I think most guys would agree. If it doesnt directly affect you, then dont worry about it. Now if CJ wanted to set up and play the drums next to you while you read, then you might have something to discuss, but if you dont think he is relaxing the "right way", well, its really not something for you to decide.
Hope this isnt too harsh
FLoyd The grass is always GREENER over the septic tank.
Oh Hell no, Floyd...too harsh??? I laughed all the way into the living room to share the gist of my last three posts.
Isn't it interesting that the one vote of empathy came from another woman, and the resounding 2X4's from two men???
No, I'm aghast at how my behaviours can come across to CJ!! I have to be HYPER-alert to these things. THIS is what he was talking about when he said "you are controlling"...I'm really only NOW getting some of this!!!
I had such a biased view of our M...I thought it was quite equitable, we always seemed to agree on most things...but here I was throwing these "zingers" and eroding CJ's self-esteem and love for me at the same time!
You're absolutely right, guys, it IS no big deal and Plan #1 is to STOP making these kinds of statements, or at least recognizing them and doing immediate dammage control!!!
Because I had NO CONSCIOUS intent to control CJ, or make him feel badly!!!
Quote:
It's all a bit perplexing to me. I suppose it comes down to not only learning about another person's point of view, but accepting it to a point of willingness in which we can override our seemingly benign atempts at freedom of expression - specifically within the parameters of said topic.
Okay, maybe I'm weird, but I knew exactly what you meant here.
It's about RESPECTING another's POV, and being conscious and empathetic about how OUR behaviours can come across. And then pre-empting ourselves with another way of expressing what we mean.
For example, why couldn't I have just asked if his book was interesting??????????
Or just kept right on reading Harry Potter with a smile???
Now I HAVE done lots better with this stuff, folks. But how about this for...weird?
Last night we went to the living room to watch T.V. it was late, there was a Nefretiti special on...(we like archeaological, scientific programming). What I had rolling in my mind was to ask CJ to sleep in the bed tonight, he sleeps on the couch most nights as I cannot sleep through his snoring and have had to work in the "morning".
But with no alarm awaiting me, it's not as bad and I could always hit the couch if necessary...but before I could make the offer (which I eventually did, he was comfy as is), we had this little thing with the remote control.
A little background: Prior to the bombs, I pretty much had the remote all the time. Didn't know it bothered CJ, he didn't make a big (or any to my recollection...but we all know how good that is )deal of it.
Well since the bombs I've left the remote to him, I'd say over 80% of the time (do you agree CJ?...geez I wish he'd read this every couple of days...I know I Sure as hell would if HE were posting )
Well last night I mentioned that "Ebert and Roeper" were on another channel, too, for "flippage" (something to watch during commercials). Well he started flipping over during the program, about every couple of minutes (there was local news on that channel, he expected it to end any moment, but it went on for a full half hour).
So I said, (nicely, I think ) if you don't want to watch this, I can go in the back (2nd TV). He said no, and made to give the remote to me. I said no a few times, but then he was falling asleep (made the bed offer) and that was that.
So, guys, (and it probably IS the guys who can see this, if anyone can) what could I have done differently there? Or is it just some residual "reactive" behaviour on CJ's part??
OR...Am I making mountains out of molehills????
Yes Jeannine, it IS good that CJ brought this up in a way that I HEARD, what is more than a little disconcerting is that I didn't HEAR him the first two time he tried to make this point!! I AM thick!
Quoting shinybear: No, I'm aghast at how my behaviours can come across to CJ!! I have to be HYPER-alert to these things. THIS is what he was talking about when he said "you are controlling"...I'm really only NOW getting some of this!!!
I had such a biased view of our M...I thought it was quite equitable, we always seemed to agree on most things...but here I was throwing these "zingers" and eroding CJ's self-esteem and love for me at the same time!
Been there...am doing that!
It's amazing to me how a simple sentence can evoke such a sense of control.
The sometimes scary part for me is that there are times when I hear what I've just said and I'm appalled...really appalled because of how controlling or undermining or dismissive it is...all this towards the man I adore.
Cripes!
I'm so excited for you guys that you're talking about this stuff!
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Think I'll print out yours and Floyds posts to assure CJ that he has some support from the guys around here!!!
Yes this issue of "sharing" with others came and bit us HARD early in the sitch...after bomb #2 (OW) I offered to keep it quiet, but CJ said to tell anyone I wanted, he didn't want to be seen as "true blue" when he wasn't. (Up till then he was something of a "golden boy" to friends and family alike).
SOOO like an idiot (it was BEFORE the bb!!) I told a lot of people...in particular it bothered CJ (especially after we were trying to work things out) that I shared so much with me friend H...so after I learned how it made him feel, I began to taper off, and now she and I are back to our "pre bombs" level of sharing.
And as for the BB...he's been on here. I had hoped that he might be a regular contributor, but he has not. I've half-expected that he's been reading my thread all along (since Feb) but I guess not.
gotta go...sauce is simmering...Nana's recipe meatballs (with minced red pepper added) are baking in tomato sauce.
Shiny
P.S. Can you tell it's been 7 hours since breakfast/lunch?
It makes me smile when I see someone take advice the way you have. I guess its because I never got that from my W. Never said she was sorry... that sort of stuff.
I think you've got it, and are working on fixing it.
As far as printing out the posts and showing them to CJ. It could go good or bad. I kind of did the same thing and got the "That's what I have been trying to tell you all along!" comment. I couldnt give a good explanation for that one. I knew what she meant, but couldnt tell her why I didnt realize it. Of course she was right.
FLoyd The grass is always GREENER over the septic tank.
SB - you remember my H read my thread earlier on (he snooped). I don't really think it is such a great idea. Some of the venting here isn't really stuff one would come out and say to a partner. And so much of the black humor can be misconstrued. Not to mention all the talk of Floyd in his thong!
Quote: And so much of the black humor can be misconstrued. Not to mention all the talk of Floyd in his thong!
Wasnt it your H, SB, that asked you who I was because of some thong comments on your thread or something like that?
Anyway, its a really tough call. It worked for Calystra, but when Dreama came on, she felt like she had to defend herself against everything I had talked about. It didnt work out for me, although I think her heart wasnt in it at all. Maybe CJ would be different as he seems to be to the point that he WANTS to work things out. I dont think Dreama ever WANTED to work it out. She was just seeing if it would work out.
There is a big difference.
FLoyd The grass is always GREENER over the septic tank.
