Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
Just to recap, H didn't call at all on Christmas Eve. Spent the day with us Christmas Day and half a day the day after. But canceled on Saturday and then came over on Sunday. Not too bad considering but still acting very cold and distant towards me. I have backed WAY back but his reactions to me have not changed at all.
This tells me he is still deep in A. His heart is not softening at all. But I refuse to lose hope. I am improving myself. Hoping that one day, there may be a weakness in their relationship or that H might miss me a little and then he will be able to see the new and improved me.
I think he is really stressed that his Mom is coming to visit. We have not talked about the small arrangements, I think she is staying with me because I think he is renting a one-bedroom. Don't know if he plans to include her in his plans with OW. I am beyond worrying but she is terrified of scenes. So I know she won't make it uncomfortable for him but I think she is of two minds about this. She wants his happiness, of course, as any mother would. But she sees that he is tearing his family apart so don't know how to act in front of OW.
I know I cannot control any of this so I think I am the most relaxed of all. They can decide to do whatever, it doesn't REALLY concern me. My children will always be my children. If my MIL wants to defect, there is nothing much I can do but I will always be the mother to her grandkids. I don't think she has respect for OW but that is their problem, not mine. I am determined not to OWN these issues as well.
H still is in the lying mode. Making up so many lame excuses I feel embarassed for him. What a lot of energy wasted on lying and thinking about lying and then feeling guilty about lying. Yikes! The only improvement I have seen is that he is REALLY playing with the kids, a long time coming. I am thankful for our C for that. But no improvements at all for US. He is still very avoidant, won't talk about anything serious. Scrowl on his face most of the time. On the other hand, I am all happy and nothing is bothering me.
I am actively deepening my friendships, expanding my circle, volunteering and making everyday special for my children. I tell them I love them everyday and tell them how special they are. I take care of myself and I keep busy. I don't expect any contact from him and only think of him when he calls, which is hardly at all. In fact, I prefer not to be with him in the same room if I can help it. I am nice, but distant.
I gave him a small Christmas present. He didn't get me anything of course and I didn't expect him to. But the look on his face said it all, I don't deserve to be treated so nice by you. I made no big deal about it. It wasn't expensive but I knew he would like it. I was not pursuing, just a present. No hug, no R talk, no expectations.
Last edited by PositivelyMommy; 12/29/0801:19 PM.
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
You are doing so well..... and I love the present idea too... I did the same and got my H one and he only got me some from the girls.... I think an after thought actually.
I can't wait until I wake up and don't think about my H... I do have many days when I'm busy and happy that I'm not thinking about him all the time so it is getting better...
keep hanging in there
Me: 38/H:40 M:7yrs TG: 10yrs 2Girls: 4yr & 7 month old Bomb 8/22/08 OW/EA/PA 8/23/08 with 25yr old Moved out 9/22/08
I am nervous now. MIL is coming in tonight. H has taken the kids to get her. I am waiting at home because I was not invited to go to the airport and wasn't what I was expecting anyway. He is dressed to the nines. Her arrival will bring things to a head. The kids not knowing details will become a big issue now. Keep your fingers crossed for me. I am going on one heck of a roller coaster ride, I think.
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
good luck with MIL. I know that could be challenging.
I thought that it was interesting that you said you were embarassed for your H and his lying. That explains exactly how I feel as well. The fact that they keep spinning these lies and really have no idea that people don't believe them is sad.
Congratulations on deepening your friendships and circle of activity. Your kids will benefit from everything you are doing.
Thank you also for all your kind words yesterday. I needed that more than you can imagine and I appreciate that you were there when I needed someone.
The MIL and H has taken the kids out so I have a couple of hours to myself, finally. MIL visit is a whirlwind because she is staying at our house and so I am the host while H breezes in and out. MIL is sympathetic, I think her thinking is really messed up as well with this whole situation. Of course, as any mother would, she wants her son to be happy. But not hearing it from him. After all this mess that has happened he is sticking with his decision to leave our family and hanging out with OW AND still not 'happy'. Happy enough to forget his pain but not real happiness. He is still snappy around us, at least, and is moody. I am detaching myself and not feeling at all responsible for his moods, which make me realize how much I have grown over the last few months. MIL is on edge too and I am watching and thinking to myself, she is on edge, not my problem. I just try to be nice and agreeable. When I don't feel responsible for other people's feelings, it's extremely liberating! I can just watch and say to myself what is happening and go on with what I am doing. No need to feel I have to 'fix' things. Everyone here should try it, I am much more relaxed than I have been in YEARS!
I am really glad that H is not happy! That means reality is coming into his A. MIL confirmed it to me in one of our friendly chats. She thinks they are slowly coming out of honeymoon period. Good. That means he is moving out of Stage 3 of MLC (Replay) and hopefully (cross fingers) moving into Stage 4 - Depression. As long as he is moving along, there is hope. If he is staying in Replay then I am in trouble. That's my thinking anyway.
I have taken myself away unexpectedly a couple of times in the last few days. H is pissed off because he is caught off guard. That means he has the kids with my MIL. I just left without setting up for dinner nor telling them where I was going. Just out for a few hours. My DB coach and IC said I need to do this so H could bond with kids. I felt really awkward the first time but is more comfortable with it. I love my kids and being away from them leaves me a little down but I know it's what's best for them in the long run so I make myself do it. Also creates mystery for H. But I can tell he is more pis*ed off than curious. Well, whatever, I think, you have to own your own emotions.
Last night at dinner, H got really pis*ed off at MIL. I know his IC told him to assert himself (because he has passive-agressive personality) but it's coming out angry and wierd instead of kind and persuasive. He looked like he was going to tell her to shut up. She was just doing casual chatting, no big deal, but he is so on edge that anything could set him off now. I was calm and led her away to try to take her away from being verbally abused.
I love my MIL, we were very close, more like friends than anything else. This is hard for both of us because I feel that the message she is getting from H is that our M is definitely over and that he is with OW now. But she can't see how having OW would cure all of his problems, just create more problems. So I know she is very very worried. Me, I wish she was more pro-active in getting us back together but I am a realist and know there is nothing she can do anyway so don't exert any pressure. Just try to talk to her about what I think H is going through, his thinking process and just trying to analyse it all without being emotional.
She will meet our IC next week and have a talk with the IC about H. Give the IC some background on H's childhood.
H is spending more time with us because MIL is here. And he is more engaged with the kids for her benefit. But I know it won't last. When she leaves, he will be back to his old ways. Whatever, I can't wait till she leaves only because then I would see him LESS. Can't stand the tension sometimes.
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
Hi PM. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. I'm sorry I've not been on for a while. Had a hectic holiday with us all being thoroughly spoiled rotten. Wee Man was a bit ill over Christmas but has sunce picked up to his normal cheeky self.
It sounds as though you've been doing great with your DBing over the holidays too. I think I know I little about what you're going through with your MIL because my IL's are the same. They love me to bits (so they say) and are more like friends to me. To be honest, with my W being so young, there's not a huge difference in age gap between me and her and me and them (10 years and 13 years respecitvely). They're finding it incredibly hard to see what we're going through. They are torn between wanting their precious daughter to be happy but concerned that she's throwing away a perfectly good marriage. They're also torn that if she does decide to leave whether or not they can in all good conscience support her. They want her to discover that the grass isn't always greener but they also would never see her suffer unneccesseraly. I love my IL's so much as well as they're also like an adoptive family to me since I'm not even as close to my own family.
Anyhoo, like I said, well done on your DBing over the holidays. It's 100% better than my own. I won't haijack your thread by going in to it here but suffice to say I may have just gone back to square 1. I've started a new thread about it in the Newcomers section. It's called 'I might have blown it' or something along those lines. I'd love your input as ever.
Me: 32, Wife: 22 Son: 2 Married: 2 years Separated: January 5th 2009
Sometimes you have to become lost before you can find yourself.
PM, you are doing great. It is very liberating indeed when we the LBS's get our emotional legs and stop reacting to the Infidels....LOL, really. I too am just starting to realize that the ball is in my court and I don't react to her anymore. She doesn't know what to do. I think you are doing great for everything I have read. Making your kids No 1 in your life is key for those of us LBS's who are the full time parent. Make your children's life as normal as possible without making excuses for your H. It is a tough line to walk. You want to shield your kids but not do anything that would make you an accomplice to your H's actions.
Glad you are doing so well and hope the MIL splits soon. She is probably very embarrassed and finds it hard to be in your presence because of the shame she feels for her son's actions.
