Don't mess with me...I have a hard time getting silly things out of my head (like when CJ bastardizes song lyrics).
Although Shiny bare bum IS kinda cute!
ANOTHER HOOOOOOT day here. 2X4 me if you must (seeing as how winter is LOOOONG here) but I'm mightily sick of all this heat. Just can't seem to muster the energy to do much at all. I think my cats have the right idea...just find a cool spot to sleep.
Oddly, I asked CJ if he'd read my e-mail response to him...no, asked him to check his e-mail once more last evening (we were both on line anyway) but I got no response back...verbally OR e-mail .
In my message I'd agreed that some things are easier to say in text, such as "If it cools off later..how about a "date"? ...No response. ....Not even this morning and he's been on his laptop for quite a while now.
Not sure how to take that. Perhaps he read it, but was disappointed that I didn't respond with a big "I forgive you everything!"?
CJ did make breakfast this morning, but seemed a bit "off" to me. I asked, but he denied it. I made a couple of overdue phone calls and he was back on his laptop...thus, I am here.
Hoping to do SOMETHING today, even a bit of a workout, but heck I'm sweating buckets already!
Oh well. Anniversary party for some pals tonight, should be fun.
Shiny
P.S. I know this is being skeptical and all, but I wonder if our MC app't on Tuesday has anything to do with the timing of CJ's last e-mail???
Quoting shinybear: P.S. I know this is being skeptical and all, but I wonder if our MC app't on Tuesday has anything to do with the timing of CJ's last e-mail???
I guess it doesn't matter.
Sage applies a 2x4 (no, two of them in rapid succession) over Shiny's head.
Listen, kiddo, your h. wrote you a powerful and loving note. It wouldn't surprise me at all if he backed off a bit after that...but we're not going to spend a second ASSuming, right?
And, as for you....relax, have a nice icy drink and revel in the fact that you guys have really come a LONG way. He couldn't have written the note if he didn't think you'd accpet it.
Accept it. It's real.
Sage -- with another 2x4 just in case!
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Remember yesterday when I said I sensed something not quite okay with CJ? Well I guess I let that colour some of my perceptions at the party last night.
Actually, I didn’t even notice it consciously, until the hostess noted that when I joined her conversation with CJ, he turned and left. Then I realized that the entire night, any contact we had was initiated by me. What this recalled for me were occasions in the past where CJ was avoiding me because he was legitimately upset by some mean behaviour on my part.
More on this later.
At about 3 a.m. our host came out (yard party) to say that time was up (our friends will stay till noon the next day, if you let them). CJ and I were sitting on the swinging canopy chair (I'd sat down and patted the empty spot beside me) and he said, I guess we should head out.
Fine by me, I was tired, already yawning.
Well shortly before this MJ, my “old best friend” showed up at the party, raring to go!
So as we were leaving, first they MJ, D AND H) tried to get US to have the rest of the partiers at our place. No Way! Then MJ said the camper in her yard was fair game.
Now, I’m not quite sure how this came about, but the definite sense was that CJ was ready to party on and I was the heavy dragging him home. MJ made a “pussy whipped” noise at CJ and I pointed out that on the chair earlier it was HE who said we should get going. CJ kind of denied that, (it was more that we had to leave THERE vs wanting to go home). He told them we were leaving because I was tired. I told him he could join them, no problem (he’s done so in the past). But he assured me in the car that no, he really wanted to go home.
The ride was silent. Until I mentioned that I had a feeling that something was bothering him tonight. He said “nothing at all”. But that sense remained. So I mentioned about my perception of him avoiding me, but he said he hadn’t noticed. So we agreed that in the future he would be more sensitive to that and perhaps check in with me a bit more at parties.(which he usually does).
Now this was all before we got home, and I thought it was a very successful discussion. I didn’t let my false perception fester, CJ assured me it was false, (and I validated that) we came up with a solution for the future. Great!
Only when we got in the door, CJ said…well I hope you’re not going to go telling people about this (or words to that effect) and I said “No…I am going to post about it though”.
Wellll…he didn’t like that at all and told me so. I asked why when in my eyes it was a SUCCESSFUL interaction! A problem solved.
He brought up again that he doesn’t like the idea of me venting on the bb stuff that is bothering me and NOT discussing it with him. I don’t tend to do that, and pointed out that this was something we HAD discussed that I was going to post!
He brought up comments from awhile back…how I’d said something about him having been out at the bars 2-3 times a week last year. He is adamant that this was NOT the case, and perhaps that frequency was only on occasion during those 4 months.
Now here’s a really weird one. CJ insisted that I’d accused him of going out with that frequency FOR a year. Well, that is INSANE as it hasn’t even been a year since bomb#1…there was only a 4 month time frame when he was kind of living a single life.
He insisted that I’d said that twice …so now I’m going to try and find the post where I mentioned the frequency of his outings to make sure I’m not completely crazy.
Likewise he seemed quite sure that I’m on the bb painting an exaggeratedly negative portrait of him. He brought up those smokes I found months ago when I suspected he might have taken up smoking…remember they turned out to be leftovers from the “have a smoke at the bar” times? I posted that, I’m sure of it!!! I told him to PLEASE read my posts so he can see for himself!! He said he would, but again with that tone that suggests that he WOULD find all kind of nastiness and untruths here.
So then CJ reveals that he senses that I harbour a lot of resentment towards the course he is taking. I assured him that it NOT SO!!! I fully support it and am happy to see him so motivated and excited by his studies.
What I do resent (and told him) is that it’s taking so much of his time that he’s not putting in the same effort around the house etc.
CJ then brought up an important event for him, and now, for me too. Out at my folks camp two weeks ago we both packed reading material. I brought Harry Potter and CJ a book from his course. I made the comment at the time…”are you going to work out there?”. CJ told me no, it was something he was interested in reading.
Out on the deck next day, I’m reading HP, Sis is sun tanning, CJ comes out with the above mentioned book and I say AGAIN…”are you going to work? Or why are you reading that?” (CJ remembers this better than I do….bloody memory!). CJ again reiterated that it was something he ENJOYED reading and did I have a problem with that???.
Apparently I then let it drop, but CJ felt I was being dismissive. He said we discussed the incident twice more, but I wouldn’t engage…folks…I don’t remember!!!!
THAT hurt him as much as anything. That I couldn’t even remember something that important to him. My comments about his choice of reading material WERE controlling!! In my mind I was asking because to ME, relaxation does not involve work-related reading, but he made it very clear that he enjoys this stuff, thus it’s NOT work. And even if it WERE, who the hell am I to tell him how to relax at camp!!!?
So, eventually, I DID apologize, sincerely. People, THESE are the kinds of events I DID NOT recognize in the past. AGAIN I missed the dynamic and barely remembered it!!! NOT GOOD! At least it’s dealt with now, and not adding bricks to the wall around CJ’s heart.
Then we got back to my resentments and I mentioned the stuff around the house/yard/ taxes etc….CJ, quite reasonably, asked how much he has to do to quell my resentments? Is he one load of laundry away??
OUCH. Yeah, I’ve been expecting more of him. Even told him that perhaps some part of me thinks of it as “penance”, making up for what he’d done. He pointed out the stuff he DOES do around here, and it’s true he does do stuff around here. SO just what WOULD satisfy me???
I actually blurted out “Make Love to me ”….but CJ wisely called me on my plea of five minutes earlier to table the discussion as it was 5 a.m. and kind of branching out all over the place. So we shelved the discussion, washed up, hugged, kissed, shared I’m sorrys, and ILY’s and went to bed.
I couldn’t sleep, however, and was awake until after the sun came up. Thus slept VERY late today. CJ apologized this morning…for what, I asked…he said “for last night”.
We just had “Blupper” (Breakfast/Lunch/Supper) out, and CJ’s resting on the couch (he was up hours earlier than me today).
So now I’m going to post this goliath and then perhaps cut and paste some pertinent posts from my thread for CJ to read.
In my mind I was asking because to ME, relaxation does not involve work-related reading, but he made it very clear that he enjoys this stuff, thus it’s NOT work. And even if it WERE, who the hell am I to tell him how to relax at camp!!!?
Okay, here is an example of what I do with my H as well. I say something with one intention only to find out (or not, until some heated discussion down the road) that H has interpreted it in a totally different way.
It's difficult to know when you've hit a nerve because of the electrically charged gridwork that hovers between incoming and outgoing signals.
I don't think you were "mean" in your behavior. To my way of thinking, you were curious and paying attention to detail. What you said, and why you said it, made perfect sense to me.
However, my H would probably readily agree with your H's take on the situation and the word "controlling" would end up being the centerpiece of their conversation.
It's all a bit perplexing to me. I suppose it comes down to not only learning about another person's point of view, but accepting it to a point of willingness in which we can override our seemingly benign atempts at freedom of expression - specifically within the parameters of said topic.
Now, by the time they figure out what I've just said, they'll be too tired to misinterpret it.
CJ appears to be learning a new skill. He was able to communicate to you his feelings and what sparked them. I'd call that "good growth", yes?
As far as disagreeing on what was said in the past, that too is another area in which my H and I seem to be living in parrllel pasts with potholes. I have my laptop journal to refer back to and have found H's memory is not always in full throttle either. So don't think that it's just you.
Quote: He brought up again that he doesn’t like the idea of me venting on the bb stuff that is bothering me and NOT discussing it with him.
I know EXACTLY how he feels, SB. You see, my W would tell ALL to her girlfriend...even during her A...all of the details. When piecing, she'd also tell her a lot of that information too. How do I know specifically? 'Cuz I snooped on e-mail and asked in other cases.
Justified or not, I feel threatened by this because she's telling all of our PERSONAL things to someone I don't know all that well. In my opinion, it's none of her girlfriend's business...especially a lot of the A stuff.
Additionally, I get concerned about what my W is telling her girlfriend and not me. One...because her girlfriend has been full of opinions that are contrary to what I've read/learned (although I do know she told my W to stop seeing OM). Secondly, she was telling her things that she should have been communicating to me.
So, I'd guess CJ is worried that you're ranting about him to us...information he thinks he should know, but that you're not telling him. It's a bit unsettling.
.
...No response. 
MJ made a “pussy whipped” noise at CJ and I pointed out that on the chair earlier it was HE who said we should get going. CJ kind of denied that, (it was more that we had to leave THERE vs wanting to go home). He told them we were leaving because I was tired. I told him he could join them, no problem (he’s done so in the past). But he assured me in the car that no, he really wanted to go home. 
I didn’t let my false perception fester, CJ assured me it was false, (and I validated that) we came up with a solution for the future. Great! 
