My Story

[A in Ohio]

Sorry Jon but I'm going to kick ya around for a little while. I used to be in the exact same place. Read my saga of drama.

What is funny is he told her to send me HIS # to call him. I was like, "What? What would I call him about." You're a moron, and you suck at being macho!

Jon - Maybe the ladies on the board can comment on this quote a little better about what a 'man' should be. To me, he sounds like a high school hard a$$. To ask that you call him is a high school move. Acting 'as if' he has control, when in fact, it's a cowardice (sp) move. I would stop the pi$$ing match with OM. Not sexy or manly. At the end of the day, it's a waste of time as he's playing the game. It's not helping your M either.

Your W forwarding that message is a sign of disrespect. Don't encourage bad behavior. Remember, you getting mad is a sign you're not in control of yourself. Indifference, on the other had, is a sign that your in control and it's attractive. A response of "OM is entitled to his opinion" is plenty. Then follow that up with "I expect no further communication from him, especially thru you". Strong, confident, honorable.

Anyway, I really nailed him tonight, and I'm loving it. W will never let on, but she noticed it. He doesn't seem to be the sharpest tool in the shed.

Jon, I'm not sure what your trying to accomplish here. Again, this is wasted energy. Remember, she sought out A because there was something you weren't providing her. Not saying it's right but this is FACT. Man up and work on you. As Gucci would say, "ducks back".

Your W is lost. Busting on OM will make you feel good but it won't help your W. Ego is a bad thing!!! Secure and strong my man. I know you're hurt and it's a huge blow to your ego and self esteem. That will fade. Get rid of the ego and work toward being secure and strong.

He said basically two things:
1. I demeaned W and was a coward (not true, ridiculous story from W - but I've heard this)
2. I had my chance, stop wasting her time.

Uh, need I remind you he's a married man who's banging your W. What does his opinion matter to you? I know how your feeling and STOP IT!!!! I know EXACTLY how you feel. Remember, he's just f*cking w/ your emotions now. Even worse, your ALLOWING him to do that. Is that attractive to a woman?

He is married, separated/getting divorce, and has three kids 5,3, and 2.
What is great is that based on HIS situation, I replied,
"A man that can't handle his own marriage shouldn't be criticizing others. Also, a man that doesn't respect marriage (cheating with MY wife) is a coward."

Jon, Focus. You know OM's sitch and that is a GOOD thing. Treat it as information, not some sort of "I'm better than him" validation. Again, your W left you for HIM because SHE thought HE was better than YOU. Reality, stats, tangible assets DO NOT MATTER ONE BIT to a WAS. This isn't your reality, it's your Ws. She is scared of the storm (you) and taking refuge in a poorly built shack (OM). You have to learn to not be a storm, then she won't need to find a crap shack.

The best thing is that I then zinged him on his lousy grasp of the English language.

Was that really the best? Maybe it was immature or demeaning? You know, the things that your W is afraid of. So a married man with two kids and poor grammar is still a better choice in your Ws eyes. Look at you bro. You have it in you. DBing isn't about "winning", it's about looking at you and correcting those things.

And then the very best thing was his attempt at a response: "Oh, man, I'm getting misty." I had to ask W what that meant.
And she said, "Crying".
I was like "Why is he crying?"
She said, "Being sarcastic".
I said, "What? Wow. Well, he doesn't matter."

I think you know how I'm going to respond to this. Look at some of Gucci's responses on my threads. Ducks back. EVERY interaction with your W is an opportunity to SHOW HER that you've made changes.

And then she never brought him up again. Bam, sometimes, you know you think of witty things like at 3 am, 6 hours too late? This was one time where I nailed one!

Did she drop it because you were strong and acted with honor, or, that she realized it was hopeless?

Sometimes just when you're feeling really crappy, you actually get a little window. What is sad is that I offered to do NY Eve together to W, still trying to be nice, and she said no, but I'm fairly certain she will be with OM.

Were you trying to be nice or pursuing? I would choose pursuing. Who cares what she's doing NY Eve? What's important is what you're doing. If you have the kids, toss a rockin kids NYE party.

I'm not obsessing, but it is so sad. W used to be the most family-oriented, loving, kid-wrapped-up, best-mom-in-the-world person EVER!

Mine too. It's the fog. WORK ON YOU!! You're guessing, making assumptions and what ever else. You have no idea what's in her head and she isn't the person you married. If you want to guess, then try: confused, scared, depressed, mad, sad, angry. You'll hit 3 of 5 each time.

You asked me this question on my thread "W refuses to deal with past abuse, STILL claims that anything she did wrong in the M was in reaction to me, etc. How do you deal with that? Well, I guess you gave me the answer."

I don't deal with it. I took FULL responsibility of OUR past. Some say not to do this but with past abuse issues, you can't place any blame on W or it will push her away and turn into a pi$$ing match. She's trying to justify an A. You'll hear 10 reasons why she left. Just agree or validate. Why argue about it? You expect a response from W saying, "H, your right. I was an a$$ too. I'm not sure why I'm with this dirt bag. Why don't you go out and score a supermodel, that way were even. ILY, H". Why was it easy to take full responsibility? Easy, it DOESN'T MATTER. No one can fix the past. I got over it in two seconds and put it away. I identified the things I needed to work on and did

I'm not kicking you around because it's fun... Ok, it's a little fun, like 5%. The truth is that you're so focused on W, OM, D that you're burning a lot of energy on cheese less tunnels. I was there. Believe me, I was there. I had many great DBers kicking my sad a$$ for 3 months now. W hasn't changed a bit and that doesn't matter. I am a different man. Make yourself a different man. Everything else is just noise that can distract you.

Keep in mind that DBing w/ an active A is different than traditional DBing.

I'll be following your sitch... post often... post your thoughts... keep telling us your plan.