My kids were gone last Tues to Wed. I cried pretty hard - my X's great-grandmother had called me, wanting me to "face him" and go to XMas. I asked for help. Outloud. Really loud.
The next day, I ran into two friends while shopping...one, a woman from work who has faced (and faces) so many medical and personal challenges, my sitch pales in comparison. She was warm and gave me a huge hug. Another was a friend from AlAnon. She told me how much I was missed, and hoped I would come back - even mentioned that maybe our meeting wasn't so random.
There are still things that hurt. And, so much of it is my own memory, my own interpretations and survival tactics, that have twisted my perceptions and reality. If I look back at individual aspects of my marriage, I can point out all the things that were lacking, areas that I wasn't fulfilled, or we didn't communicate about, or that were pretty dysfunctional. But I am still pulled back by the overall memory of feeling loved, and protected, and cared for. That is what I miss, and I had to do my own mental gymnastics to have that feeling in the first place. So, what I am missing can't be reclaimed, anyway.
But I am also still in shock - you can conceptualize all of this as much as you want, but the heart will feel what it will feel - it takes longer than we want it to for it to filter down.
So, it was hard these last 2 days. The kids weren't home. I didn't take good care of my sleep. I let myself sit around, rather than stick to my plans to be productive, then felt bad about that, too. I ate crap. Stayed up till 4 am both days, then slept too late. I set myself up for a self-reinforcing bleh. And so, when I heard X and his company laughing in the background of my call to the kids, and heard about all the presents they got from his new friends, and realized that he has completely moved on with his new life and thinks little to none about me, well.....what else did I expect? The gf's oldest D refers to my X as her stepfather, and my kids and her step-brother and sister.
So they laugh and live life, what used to be my life, and I sit taking up space on the couch. Not a good combo. And I know it. And it was self-indulgent, and self-defeating. And I know better. But some days I just don't have the energy to fight the blahs; I almost welcome them. A reality check, maybe? I don't know.
S came home and hugged me again forever. D turns on a button somewhere when I am trying to get her to sleep, and tells me story after story of what happened with her over at the other house. I listen a lot, say, Um hmm....that's nice.
She told me that the 6 year old had another hissy fit in the store today. X had taken all of the kids to Kohl's (gf was at work). And he had to carry her out of the store, screaming. Took 15 minutes before she would get into the car. And when they all got home, she just started laughing, saying she had been faking it all along. My God, what did he sign himself and my kids up for?
Thank God (again) that he didn't go for 50/50.
Tomorrow, S is going skiing with Church, and D and I will hang together. Tues, we'll drive down to visit GG and whoever else wants to show up. My friend will be up that night or Wed to celebrate the New Year.
