Detach>Worse>Weird>Better ???

[Sophie]

checking in...

Christmas Eve went great...kids and I have a Christmas Eve tradition IF I finish buying and wrapping, to go to the Mall, walk around, snack and watch people shopping. It is SO relaxing to be finished with everything and just sit, eat a cookie and watch others stress. (Mostly men were last minute shopping )

H had to work until 4...then he said he had to go wrap. He mentioned guys at work might take him on some fishing trip the day after xmas (I assumed he was planning his escape ahead of time...but, it ends up it was a true story)

H was wrapping...wrapping...wrapping. I expected him to say it was getting too late and that he just couldn't get here. I was wrong...he was wrapping and talking to d8 most of the time on the phone. The kids kept calling him...they couldn't wait much longer.

I wondered how he felt about spending the night here...cause he did file D papers against me 11-10-08!!!

H showed up around 9...exhausted, but in a normal friendly...just plain normal mood.

The kids opened one present and finally got to bed around midnight. S10 asked H to sleep in his room and watch him play xbox. H said, sure.

H and I put all the presents around the tree for the morning...(the kids fell asleep pretty quick).

I've done all this by myself while H sleeps on the floor for the last 3 years. I have pictures of him sleeping in front of the tree after I finish!

This year...he helped me and really go into it.

Last year...he was in the most ugly, depressed mood..EVER!! So, this year was nice to for me to be around him...but, he filed D papers, remember??? I'm so confused.

Anyway...then, H engaged in conversation with me about his work, fishing, a little about his family...seeing his truck because he needs one that hold everyone in it safely...he asked if he could borrow my VWbug if he sold his truck before having another to buy right away (he'd get my Bug running for me...it's a 1970 and needs a little work).

I thought he was going to ask me to sell it and give him some money!! Maybe, he'll try to do that later...geez.

We yakked until 3am...why? I have no idea. H can be so comfortable to be around...and, I guess I'm getting much better at the 'as if'...it's not 'as if' any more. It's 'what it IS', now.

Christmas morning and all day was the best Christmas we've had in over 5 years. A true family day. H and I were 100% exhausted and very little sleep...but, no one would ever think that we have had such a horrible time of it.

Earlier in the week D8 made me a picture frame out of pop cicle sticks. Other than that, I didn't receive a gift from the boys or H.

I had small, but significant items for H...from each of us. H was very appreciative and said he never expected them. He was saying this in an apologetic way for not getting me anything.

I did not care...it just didn't matter because the kids and H were happy, peaceful, content, relaxed...and satisfied.

Maybe a little later I'll feel left out...and taken for granted...but, I feel at peace. 'Mom' took care of her family.

Mr CC tm'd 'merry christmas'...that was nice

No contact from H today. I asked him if he didn't go fishing and had some energy to come get the boys for a while...

I don't expect that to happen.

INlaws are coming to my house on Saturday. I asked H if he was going to visit with them this time...H said 'sure'.

I had to journel this...it's crazy.

[job]

Sophie,
No, it's not crazy....it's a crisis.

It appears from your posting that Christmas went well and you handled it quite nicely. You both were relaxed and if you notice, no relationship talks took place. The two of you were more like friends during Christmas Eve/Day, sharing in the fun and excitement of your children. When the expectations are kept low, both of you can just relax and enjoy.

As for the inlaws today, enjoy the time they spend w/them.

Enjoy your day. The new year is right around the corner!

[Sophie]

Hi

No contact today...no soccer game, so no contact between kids and H either.

Inlaws are coming tomorrow instead of today...whew...what a relief.

I slipped a little though.

H wants to borrow my 1970 VW bug if he sells his truck and needs a car until he buys another more suitable for more passengers.

I'm afraid he'll sell his truck and use the money to dig himself out of bills and just 'assume' my bug OR want to sell my bug (I think his name is on the title also) and put that money together with his truck to get the other vehicle. (H will get a used suv or something...H and his dad buy and sell cars like we change sheets on our beds...often)

I was fretting a little, and I admit, a little perturbed that H has had two free days and has not shown one lick of interest in being with his kids.

I sent this text: I figure your parents have called to tell you...they aren't coming here today. Also, I do not want to sell my bug, I want to use it when the weather warms up.

I know...I slipped a little and sounded 'pissy'...he didn't respond. Who the heck knows where he is!

I think I'm crashing a little from Mr CC's party and xmas

[Sophie]

Well...the INlaws and H are here...yea...let's play 'happy happy family'...

The thing that is bugging the most...I mean really bugging me is...where has H been the last two days???!!! He had time off to spend with is kids...but NO...so, WHO has he been spending the last two days with?

I KNOW he hasn't been by himself.

It is so much easier when things are dark...no contact...

[job]

He may not have spent his time with anyone. He may have been holed up in his place staring at the walls, watching tv or sleeping.

Stop expecting him to do things that you would expect him to normally do. He's not normal right now, but a teenager. Zero, zero and more zero expectations.

Enjoy the time w/your company.

[Sophie]

Thanks for keeping an eye on me Snodderly...I knew I could count on you to see just the right thing...you're right...I assume he is great...seeing all these people...seeing an OW or a bunch of them...going places, having the time of his life. This is what I assume.

The kids asked if he went fishing...he said 'no'...his boss 'dropped the ball'...he said all he did was sleep in and do chores.

I was going to ask but went for a 4 mile run during which I figure why ask? I won't really know if he's telling the truth anyway.

Inlaws are okay...FIL offered his frequent air miles to me to go visit my mom. That was awesome...only I may not be able to go if it is during school...who would do homework with the kids? I guess H would have to stay here while I'm gone.

4 years ago when he had his A, and then moved out a year later...H seemed SO MUCH a teenager.

Now, he's lost his muscles, has a gut, more gray hair and isn't so 'uppity'...he seems older and more of a man.

But...still selfish and it's all about HIM>

Thanks again...:)

[job]

Your description of your h sounds exactly like what my xh looked like 3 years ago. Yes, he's still selfish and it's all about him.

Take the frequent air miles and when you are ready to go see your mother, ask your h if he would mind watching the kids and helping them w/their homework.

Keep the focus on you and your kids.

[Sophie]

you know, Snodderly...you got me thinking...maybe H WAS sitting around holed up in his place. I just never think of that. I think I am the ONLY one that is a hermit!!

(My H would have a heck of time keeping up with the homework...but, that is something I have to 'let go of' on occasion)

H is still here, totally relaxed, drinking some of the wine he brought, watching football with his dad and the kids.

What is your xh like now? My H told the boys that after 35 his body changed like crazy and showed them his 'jolly' belly. He doesn't seem upset over his middle age bulge, but he comments frequently how he is old.

Heck...I'm 14 years older than him and I feel younger than I did 5 years ago. Every since I 'weened' the kids off of me, started to run again and do my own things...I am in better shape than my H.

And...the bummer is, I am much more....sensual now. It's like I hit a peak a couple years ago...and...now...no man ...geez...

Back to the company....

[job]

Sophie,

The last time I had a true visual on him was in November 2005. At that time, he was grossly overweight, shaggy beard, dead eyes, wrinkles around the eyes and it was an extreme effort to get any time of a smile from him. It was all about him. Everything was poor me this or that. He was talking about he had no home to go back to since his mother, father, etc. were gone. Apparently his aunt sold his grandparents' home and to him that was home since he lived there off and on as a child.

Today, well...he's still into the me pity party. Every time I correspond w/him, he's ill or had an accident of some sort. Oh, he did remarry, but everything is "I did this or that". No mention of the wife (HO). He finds every excuse not to visit his home town and his favorite uncle (pre-crisis) has only seen him twice since 1999. He's never come out of the deep sleep and I suspect he never will.

Just listen and validate. No expectations. Okay? Each one of these guys is going to experience the crisis differently.

[Sophie]

wow...Snodderly...it seems your xh has just dismissed a previous life. I know I've sort of done that looking back at my crazy early-twenties. I somehow, just disassociate myself from that time and the people I goofed around with. But, they were not family and I knew they were not people I would want to be like...totally differnt.

I've been wondering about the other friend you had...the man from 'eyes from a visitor'....I have most of both parts of your posts from that thread, printed out and have read them at least three times.

H left around 10:30pm...pretty late for him. He seemed just too comfortable to leave.

MIL and FIL went to bed around 9:30pm...it was a very healthy family day.

Tomorrow, I have a day to myself...Inlaws are taking the kids to a play in PA...won't be back until Tuesday early afternoon.

ahhhhh.....