WAW - Possible MLC I need help, WAWs advice III

[FaithfulH]

D17 asked why I don't go on dates. Asked her when am I suppose to meet someone. Don't want to, I guess....Don't know, feel the negative vibes riding me

I'm confused...your kids don't know you're standing for your marriage restoration? If they did, they wouldn't ask you questions like this. I think it is important that you let them know you are standing by your vows.....but, don't turn your W into the bad person. A fine line for sure...but, important they know where you stand. If they don't know, they are going to continue to press you in the wrong direction...

[LonelyD]

they know. D17 is always doing that because she hates that her mother has OM. she wants me to have someone, that's all. She sees me doing things, going places by myself and then she hears her mother talking about dates with him and all the things they do together. It bothers her. She wants me to go on a date just so she can slap her mother with it. Trust me, they all know what I am doing and Why.

My DIL is very worried about me. She asked if there was anything I can do to get her to come back. I told her as long as she is with OM and she feels that her life is complete, then no, nothing. My older D told me it was good to just stay in and get my projects done. Yeah, it would've been great to go visiting and out and whatnot, but you had things that needed your attention and you did them. Just like waiting on her. I don't need to go out all the time because she does or that I hear she does. Its just that, with the holidays, my dad being gone, her being gone I really have no desire to do much right now. I got my home projects done, I'm happy that's out of the way mostly. I am going back to the gym tomorrow night and tuesday night, New Years Eve with my friends on wednesday night and a relaxing night home on thursday. this coming weekend is anyone's guess, maybe cards Friday or Saturday night..

I just have this big empty feeling in me right now. Me and my son just had a long talk and says I am putting too many negative spins on things. How do you know these things aren't her trying to come back. Calling the people that she knows you hang around with and seeing them. I just don't know anymore. I don't want any signs, all they do is crush me at the end of the day. I want nothing from her, about her or anything to do with her until OM is gone. I have put this in god's hands because I know I will screw it up. I am doing as He is directing. I am frustrating myself thinking to deeply about her lately. I cannot get these thoughts out of my head. My son said to me " do you think that everything is coming around your way and that maybe your just scared that you won't be able to handle it?" I told him no, it's not coming around my way. she shows no signs of leaving lala land or OM anytime soon. I did a great job getting her out of my head and my heart. I controlled me, she is upsetting my world now. What do I do now, get new friends because now she wants to buddy around with our friends all of a sudden? That all of a sudden she wants to hang out, maybe bring OM around for acceptance so that we can all hang out like great friends? No F'ng way!!!! How will I see my friends when they will look at me with pity because she has told them all, emphatically, that we will never ever be together again. and they all know how much I love her. I do not want people's pity nor will I accept it. I remove all things from my path that cause me pain or misdirectin. Now, what, I have to dump my friends because she feels a need to party with some new people? I don't know. I was doing fine until Xmas Eve. I think seeing her at all is a huge mistake for me. I see myself bending, I beg Him for more strength, I am losing sleep talking with Him and not getting answers. The empty feeling I had the day she dropped the bomb on me is back and it hurts, alot!!!

[AmyC]

LD, after the holidays crashes like this are to be expected.
I mean, you're wound tighter than an 8 day clock for days & sometimes weeks prior to Christmas and then BAM! it's done.
The crash is normal.
Don't analyze it to death.

I am concerned that you still harbor expectations each time you interact with your wife. I know you say you don't but truly, search your heart, I think you do. And that is why you seem to crash so hard. If everything you do for your wife were really being done without expectation you would be happy just to have done it - not reeling afterwards and rehashing the details in your mind.

It is time for you to get up and get a grip.
This is my advice - and there will be some people who disagree with me - so decide for yourself whether or not you are ready to take it:

Don't do another thing for your wife.

I don't care if that donut spare rolls off into a cow pasture and she's got sparks flying off the rotor - don't rescue her again. She needs to see what a piece of crap she has tangled herself up with so let her call him to save her next time. Don't give her money, don't pay her car insurance - drop her from the policy if she doesn't pay. If for some reason you have to switch the car into her name in order to do that, do what you've gotta do to make that happen.

Separate from her financially.
See an attorney.
I'm NOT telling you to file.
I'm simply telling you to consult with an attorney about a separation agreement being drawn up.
I am not an advocate of shocking a WAW into reality but your wife is skating on some real thin ice and I think popping it once or twice with a hockey stick would be acceptable in your case. Don't do anything rash but don't hide the fact you are seeing an attorney either (if you decide to do so).

So there's my advice.

Pray about it before you do anything.

[LonelyD]

AmyC, you and sandi had told me it would get worse before it gets better. apparently on xmas eve at my D28 house she mentioned that she wanted the OM and my D to get together and learn to get along. My D went off big time which is what I think prompted FIL to go off on my W. I agree with you 100% with not doign anything for her. Just got off the phone with my D and she agreed. I don't like to talk to my kids about this stuff and haven't for quite some time. She felt I needed to know what her mother was saying.

She will be told tomorrow that I either get my insurance money or the car comes off the policy end of story. I am calling my lawyer on Friday to talk about everything you mentioned, once again we are very much on the same page. I prayed I would hear from you. No offense to everyone else. I have not had anything to do with her since thanksgiving and then, bam, here we go again. Yes everytime I see her, I expect nothing, consciously, but at some level I want her to look at me and say I can't believe I left him. she thru the whole I haven't been happy for years speech at my daughter on Xmas Eve. I read all the MLC speeches, the ILYBIANILWY, I haven't been happy for years, we have drifted apart, it is all crap. Yes it is getting harder because she is reaching to my kids with this POS right now...They have denied her....I wish she would just get her own insurance and then my dealings with her wouldbe beyond less...I prayed for more strength now, more than ever before. My older D told me tonight that she believes her mother would come back, but she has to hit rock bottom and she isn't even in that book yet. I am not reading anything into anythng now and this denial is my torment. I am detached and detaching, I do not want signs from her. I know I asked God to give me one, now I have seen several including this one from my D. Apparently it goes with the whole watch what you ask for you might get it. I will keep asking for strength, I am making a list of do things for myself. I am going to visit some people this weekend, little day trips. My projects will be done and I will be happy to get out of the house. I feel safe here though, is that wrong? I am secure here, nothing bothers me here, this is mine, my world....

I gave her the $5 in the gas can and another $10 so she could make it to her Dad's. Her mother sent her money for Xmas, that I am quite sure is gone. I have no intention of giving her anything. It's funny the things you posted here to me were exactly what me and my older D have just said. She asked why we haven't talked about this and I told her I have these friends that counsel me, that give me real world advice and support. I need you kids to not be involved. It is better for you. I did feel a little better after talking to her and reading your post.

I believe if this were truly over, then God would have sent me in a different direction, He would not lead me down a path to intentionally hurt me. But you and Sandi were right, it is getting worse, my emotions are strained, I am stressed to the max and I go to bed praying I wake up and don't hate her guts and kick her as to the curb. Forgiveness in all this is hard enough without having her recent activities cast into the pot.

Thanks for taking the time with me, all of you. I feel I will need real support this week and next, don't know why, but I feel a real test coming on.

As for our taxes, me , filing single, head of household, her taxes are her problem and business not mine. Lawyer told me, I am paying the bills she walked, she is not entitiled to any of the rebate I get, plus the bulk of the return is against my salary which is about 4x's her's. thanks again, love you all...

[FaithfulH]

LonelyD (and AmyC),

I want to be clear that AmyC is far more qualified than I to advise you on the best approach to your W. I say this because your W is closer to the sitch AmyC came from than my own W....who didn't exhibit the extreme MLC/WAS/OM factors that some do. That said, I am trying to help you from a man-to-man standpoint. In other words, what worked for me as a man trying to let God into my life and give Him control after I had so unbelievably screwed things up. No offense taken if you choose a harsher approach with your W than I would recommend. I understand this might be what she needs to see the contrast between you and OM. The watchout....if you are too aggressive, the difference between you and OM might not be as apparent. Regarding this comment in your post:

I believe if this were truly over, then God would have sent me in a different direction, He would not lead me down a path to intentionally hurt me.

I would ask you to consider that God sometimes allows us to go through stuff (pain, hurt, trials) to get us where He wants us. Don't be surprised if there is still more to come.....which is true for ALL of us!

[LonelyD]

AmyC isn't really being harsh, she is being realistic. I have been doing most it since I started here. I do not want to be a door mat nor do I want to enable W to have her cake and eat it too. I know exactly what AmyC means. Yes, I followed Amy's advice and left this to God so I won't screw it up. I take you advice well and Amy's. I am calm now. I have spoke to him and told Him my pain and confusion and He has calmed me. I let this pain out as Amy has indicated. my detachment is good as long as I am focused, seeing her, being around her, sends me off. I want this to be over. but I believe she needs reality. I have asked God to show me the end is in site, that I have a great chance at my marriage. I am asking for what He cannot answer right now. Until this stops bothering me, then I am not totally forgiven in this, nor am I detached. I need to have my "house" in order. AmyC feels a hard push is in order because of the thin ice. I am hoping I do not have too. If my insurance is paid, then we will go as we go. I will not let this slide, nor should i.

Everything that has happened to her, happened after her talk with my D and my FIL. Not only did she get flattened by the them, two things happened that she had to call me for. AmyC had posted to me that it was when she felt the disconnect and financial hardship that she realized things. She has just been disconnected by her own Dad and her oldest D. By tthe way, her mother is coming up second week in January for Ds birthday, W didn't even know. what does that say? D17 asked if I was OK tonight. told her I didn't feel good, she asked sick bad or bab bad. Told her bad bad. She told me I 'll get through it, if anybody can get through it, you can get through it. She said she was sorry for saying anything that got me upset. Told her no, she is good, no worries. Just the holidays is all. Going to bed now. Talk to Him for a while tonight I think. I feel better. Wondering what's next? I will write down all that happened in my journal. I will find my focus and pick myself back up. thanks for all your concern. I need all theadvice I can get, from the men who got thru this with their marriage and minds intact and fromt he women who wnet thru it, found their focus and reconciled. These are the points of view I need, not opinions from people who have not walked that mile. I still hold faith in the "Believe nothing she says, and half of what I see". Talk to you all tomorrow...

[AmyC]

I would ask you to consider that God sometimes allows us to go through stuff (pain, hurt, trials) to get us where He wants us.

Definitely.
God being God, He can see BEYOND our pain and because He knows what lies on the other side of it, He is able to let us flounder a while if it's going to be worth it later on. Begging, bargaining and crying don't move Him. Faith moves Him. And sometimes VERY slowly, too -

Now, that said, I am not "qualified" for ANY of this, FH.
I just post what I think.
It's not guaranteed to do anything for anyone and every single possibility should be prayed over before being undertaken.

[FaithfulH]

It's not guaranteed to do anything for anyone and every single possibility should be prayed over before being undertaken.

Amen, sistah!

[25yearsmlc]

LD,

yi yi yi...well, I was reading a book d19 read for a college class and in it, the teen is sadly debating the meaning of her grandfather's death. She then says something to the effect of "Well, just b/c I can't understand electricity or the television, doesn't make it false. And if God can make an ugly tulip bulb turn into a beautiful flower from being in the dirt, then I guess anything is possible." You may well reap something fine, out of all this. But keep the road home, smooth and paved. Don't let others make it harder for your w than it already will be...good grief, how will she come back from this? With God, that's how. Do your best and leave the results up to Him.

Hang in there, LD. And as for OM, here's the good news. Seriously. Aren't you glad he isn't a handsome rich brain surgeon that swept your w off her feet, and that EVERYONE else thought was great? THAT would be a total nightmare. Instead, I mean, he's a loser with some weirdo alien appeal and your w is an alien right now, abducted by them. Does not make YOU a loser for her to pick HIM...makes her an alien. See the diff?
Keep praying...you can't go wrong there.
(( j ))

[LonelyD]

I want to thank you all. No sleep last night. tossed and turned, Remebered everyting, saw everything, relived everything, from the the bomb drop to now. Prayed hard last night asked Him to help me. Its such a lonely battle. I had read a item on detaching that FaithfulH had sent me. Talked about being sick from not detaching. That's how I felt.

I am detached/detaching still, this I know. I quess what my issue is is that this is going on, I can't believe it is happening to me still. I guess that I was oping it was coming to an end. I knew in my heart it wasn't , God only knows when and if that will happen.

He really gave me nothing to think about today. Blurred vision from about 2 hours sleep last night, thats it. I am looking at these things right now:

1. To spend time on her other than my car insurance is futile and frustrating, Won't do it. Can't waste the energy.

2. No longer available to her.

3. Need to get out of my house. I feel safe there, but I need to get away from it. I do when the opportunity arises, need to create my own opportunities.

4. Her life improves with me. I feel better about my life with her. Is it better to be me, to do the things I'm doing if she doesn't back versus if she does? I am in a win -win situation with me. I believe this, hurts to think that way, but I believe it.

5. Do I care what she does, where she goes and who she's with? Yes, absolutely. she is my wife and I love her. My detachment from this is geting better. I will need to go dark and not be anywhere she is.

6. I have trusted this to God for over a month, good thngs have happened, some negative things as well. I need to stay out of the way so I don't screw things up. Keep praying for the end of this situation, pray for my sanctity and sanity, pray for her safety and pray for my family.

7. Everytime I think of her I will go to the gym. I outta look like a bodybuilder in a month. I need to take the energy of thinking about her and put it to use.

8. Need to get my finances locked down now that Xmas is over.

9. I need to stay in control of me. My emotions, my feelings, and who I choose to let in. She is locked out right now. Until everything els eabove gets done, I have to lock her out, like she doesn't exist at all in my life. I have done it for the most part, I must do it completely now.

These are my 9. these are where I i will focus. God will take care of the rest. The last thing He needs is my soory self getting involved and trying to rationaliz an unrational situation, give my self unnecessary stress and create anything that resembles her seeing me as wanting her back.