Bean, I imagine at this point in time you have absolutely no nails left on either of your hands. I know the courage it took for you to even post this and let me say right off the bat, excellent post.
Here we go.....
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I felt sad for you when i read the above quote. Sad b/c I hope that next year, you can get through the holidays looking forward to YOUR traditions and not looking forward to what is MISSING from the prior traditions.
In 2 years when I have them again, I believe I will be able to. It was just hard this year because it was my first and I am mr. mushy.....
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Do you remember your Christmas last year? Carrie slept over, on the sofa, so that the kids could see you guys as a family?
Do you remember how she went with T bug or Ross to the store to get some movies you wanted and how she hid them in the garage, and is that when she made you that pie? I could be mixing up different events. I think that was for Christmas.
Do you remember that she was still with her BF, but she came to the house to stay anyway?
I remember bean, and I really do appreciate the effort she made last year, I wish she was as real this year. She isn't.
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I am not defending carrie in anyway. I believe she is about as big an a$$ munch as they come.
I just remember thinking how difficult that stay at the house could of been for her but she did it anyway.
She gave as much as she could.
She has drawn her own boundary.
She is an asss munch, and you are defending her actions from last year, and you are right to do so. She really came through last year which I imagine was very hard for her to do. Last year was a long time ago, but I do not forget what she did for our kids last year and I do appreciate it.
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She wanted this divorce, she wanted this life. This is what she has, and she is going to make the most of it. Right or wrong, she has made her choice.
Is it a choice that has come with the biggest blows of pain that you ever imagined? YUP.
Believe me bean, I cry for her and what she has lost with Tawny. I cannot even imagine for one minute not speaking to my child for 4 months. Not being a part of her life in any way for going on 5 months. The woman I loved, does not deserve this pain. The woman she is today, you are correct, is reaping what she has sewn.
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Can you imagine following thru on something, even tho you know that the path of destruction that will lead to it will hurt so many?
What an awful feeling she must have had inside, to want to get out of something so bad, that to get what you want, it involves causing hurt, losing loved ones, losing the love of your daugter etc etc.
She needed to breathe, in her own warped demented way. She just needed to breathe.
Did she take the cowards way out? Absolutely. That is her style, and as crappy as it is. You need to accept it. Not for her F her. For you, and your peace of mind.
No, I cannot imagine something that I would never ever do. Yes, she had to support her decision, but you also have a responsibility to be the adult and do what is right to minimize the collateral damage. She has chosen to make it worse. I do accept this, I do understand that this is who she has chosen to be. I do know that it is her cross to bear and not mine.
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Love her enough to say to yourself. "I hope that this new life brings you the peace that you have been so desperately searching for" , and close the door, and breathe.
I can't do this right now. I have tried and I simply do not have it in me right now to wish for her to be happy and that her new life will complete her. Maybe it is selfish, maybe it is just my stubborn personality, or maybe it is just because I have to much anger still deep down inside of me.
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You had a loving marriage for so many years. Some poor souls never know what it is like to look over at the person you love, in the morning, and get that sleepy "I love you"
You had that. Thank God for that, and also thank God for opening a new chapter in your life. We need to step up our faith at times, and trust.
I am very grateful for having known that kind of love. I am grateful for having experienced a good relationship for as long as we did. At the same time I am still very angry she took that away. I am very angry that after having those same times with Yakeline I question how long it will last. I am very angry that now I will always have trust issues and question people who have never done anything wrong to me. How fair is that? Do I do it on purpose?? No, I do it because I still have a constant reminder of the singed parts of my inner most emotions.
This is a long process. I try as hard as I can to keep things slow in my new relationship because it is so damn obvious to me that my heart is not completely healed. I try to be as honest as I can with Yakeline about where I am at in my own emotional state. She, thank God, is very understanding and has not pushed me for anything. I think that I try and be as aware as possible because the last thing I ever want to do is hurt someone that I care very much about.
You did warn me that this would be difficult. You did give me the heads up I needed and I believe I probably came through with like a "B" maybe even "B+". I have just decided that as I feel these things I am going to share them rather than bottle them up like the Ian that gets himself into so much trouble.
I do believe that time will heal all of this. I also believe that there will be many more occasions where I have to face these feelings and hurts and work through them in order to truly heal. I hate the fact that I know that I will have to suffer and hurt in order to grow, but it is simply the way things are right now.
I can also promise you that if I ever feel like Yakeline and I are moving somewhere that I am not ready to go that I will be honest with her and stop it before it gets to a point to hurt her. Urghhhhh, the hard part here.... I do love her. Am I ready to commit to that and make our relationship more than it is, nope.... I questioned myself almost daily in the beginning whether or not this relationship was a rebound and I tried to make sure that I didn't do anything like that to her. So in answer to your post in the alternate universe, no bean, I would never do that to her.
Thank you so much for posting this to me bean. It gives me lots to think about and review. You, contrary to your own beliefs are a wonderful poster with incredible morale and ethical words in your posts. I can always rely on you to keep my integrity in check. Thank you so much for that, you are a dear friend and I love you very much.
