Then I started re-reading Passionate Marriage and realizing how much all of the problems we were having (and perhaps continue to have) were due to fusion and low differentiation. Realizing he must have been SO poorly differentiated because of his behavior. But by definition, I must be just as poorly differentiated, for us to have stayed together for that long. I think his low differentiation was feeling engulfed by me in the relationship, like he had lost his own identity. That was never a problem for me, but I did need constant validation and reassurance from him and everyone else, and freaked out when I didn't get it.
In Passionate Marriage, David Schnarck (sP?) talks about how when you hit gridlock and you are fused, you have four options: leave, engulf your partner, be engulfed by your partner, or differentiate.
I am trying to figure out what differentiation would look like to me in this situation. I really have no idea at this point. And I know it's not something I can fake.
It is possible that what i did on the phone when I wasn't disappointed when he didn't want to see me, was a step in this direction.
Then, at Christmas I really missed him, and the last few days I've been remembering some of the really amazing things he did for me, and how special what we had really, truly, deeply was.
I don't know what to do about the meeting in January. Of course I want to see him. But even though I have all my hot outfits with me, if a visit would just perpetuate the current dynamic, which I think sucks balls, part of me is like, "what is the point?"
