Thanks to a friend in RL, I had a realization about pursuit. I have always thought as pursuit and not pursuit as some sort of twisted and manipulative game. Now I realize that giving someone else the chance to pursue me is about something much, much deeper. It's about giving them a chance to lay it all on the line and risk profound rejection. It's about giving them a chance to set their intention and SHOW ME that they are CHOOSING to WANT ME.
On one of my many bus rides during this trip to my family & friends in the northeast, I spent many hours staring out the window thinking about my options. I am not sure I can continue to do what I've been doing... "pretending to be friends", or "playing the cool game", or whatever it is that I've been doing (though it is also possible, with my recent realizations, that it will have a different "flavor" now). The alternatives are to distance myself further, or distance myself completely. But to me that seems like just the flip side of the coin. I would be punishing his behavior with the same behavior. I thought... there's got to be a better way.
I had a realization about our last meeting, for lunch in August. About his behavior at the end, when he kept distancing himself indirectly instead of just saying, "I need to go, bye." I realized that the way he distanced himself was SO indirect that he "looped me" into pursuing him. It was like the way he distanced himself triggered pursuing behavior in me because I felt like there was no other option. Every juncture was really subtle... like when he just started walking from the restaurant without saying where he was headed and I just followed, or when he changed subway trains and I just followed, or when we walked in front of the bicycle store and he started talking about the window display and I just followed. I realized, at every juncture I had a CHOICE not to follow, but I didn't think I did, because he was being so indirect that I felt not to follow would have been rude. But what if I had just let him get up and change subway trains, and stayed in my seat? Maybe then he would have had to face himself instead of "battling" me.
