Honestly (I know others will disagree with me here) I am not completely sure what message B was trying to send me. Some have told me it is obvious he is not interested, others have said it is really ambiguous. Clearly, there is at least one obstacle to him wanting to be with me right now. Why did he tell me what he was feeling, instead of making an excuse or blowing me off via text? If he really didn't give a sh!T about me, how could I make him "nervous"? If he was really "over it", why would he feel "nervous"? What possible power could I hold over him, to upset or disturb him, if that was the case? Doesn't he realize if I had wanted to demand some kind of dramatic confrontation, I could have done that long ago? WTF knows, right?

Since I began this journey, I've been trying to only do things with integrity. If B WAS drawing a line in the sand to say, "I am completely not interested in you, do not step closer to me," I am not sure I can continue, with integrity, to do what I've been doing. Without it becoming something like, "oh! don't worry about me, just throw me a tiny crumb of attention or affection every 3 to 6 months or so, I'll keep caring about you and being here for you unconditionally." Which I am not sure I can do, with integrity, without it turning into something where I am just groveling at his feet. Is this situation *really* acceptable to me? Trying to look at this through a "passionate marriage" lens, I am thinking it is possible that as long as this is what I'm willing to accept, it might be all that I ever get. It is possible that if I, externally or internally, stand up for myself, I might actually get more. But I really don't know what that would look like.

I had a realization that I've been thinking that him not incorporating me into his future was a problem that came up in the year before the bomb. However I very painfully realized that this behavior was there from the very beginning, though it was about his short-term plans instead of his long-term plans, so it didn't upset me as much. But it was always there. This made me feel... disgusted. I felt as close as I've ever felt to just giving up.

Part of me is thinking, "$%@!!! If he ever wants me back, he is going to have to DAMN WELL PROVE HIMSELF TO ME. How about HE reads all the relationship books, and finds the 1-2 therapists in the whole friggin world who have a clue about couples counseling? how about HE goes to therapy until he uses up all his sessions? how about HE joins an online support group and posts over a thousand times? how about HE does as much work as I have?"