Nothing has happened with B since the conversation I typed about. A good friend of mine gave me some great advice and told me, "You just finished something really big [grad school]. It's time for you to enjoy it. Why don't you take a break from this, for now." But even though I haven't been posting, I have been thinking a LOT about it, so I apologize in advance, this is probably going to be sort of a bombarding post.
I think it was Essie who wrote on her thread that she figured out that what makes her plunge is when she talks about her sitch to people in RL. I've been thinking about that too--since it definitely happened to me! I realized that I thought I was getting more differentiated by dealing with my problems more by myself and processing solo instead of with others. BUT then I realized... isn't that just self-presentation? which is not actually the same as intimacy? instead of compulsively processing everything with everyone and getting in a tailspin about whatever they do or do not tell me, I've been processing by myself, which just means that I don't give myself a chance to be rejected or judged by others. I think that's why I had to take a break from the board, because I felt so discouraged by Jeff and Kalni's observations. I guess I'm a step farther along in that now I can actually CHOOSE whether or not to share something with others, but still not at the point where I'm willing to risk showing all of myself (being intimate) and really not caring how others react. DAMN!!! I thought I had come so far!!!
I tried to think about what I "did" that triggered his response, other than making a sort of grand/ridiculous gesture with my offer for Lunch in Maine. Well, I DID have contact with him 5 times in 7 days, which I think is completely unprecedented. Also at the end of a few of our recent conversations I pressed him for reassurance (twice) that I could talk to him about my plans for the future, and also pressed him for reassurance that I'd actually be able to see him in NYC in January. This is all "different" behavior from me, not as cool as before.
