Sandi, Very insightful words - I appreciate them, but you named my predicament right on.
Let me prepare in advance this is going to be a long post! I'm sure I broke several DBing rules in here, but I hope I made up for it with good things!
The whole thing sort of started when D8 told me that OM sleeps over with W. I thought D8 was making it up, as she has been saying weird stuff like that lately, and it has been completely untrue! I wanted to bring it up in front of W, and with D8, so we could talk about truthfulness.
Imagine my surprise, when W didn't deny it outright, and told D8 they would talk about it when she got her back. I then took the phone, and asked her if it was true. She started saying it was none of my business, that OM's W liked her, etc - lots of justification. In my eyes, VERY guilty.
So I asked her just to tell me - I told her I believe that divorce was only right in God's eyes based on adultery, and if I was going to file divorce, I wanted to do it right.
W said that I was being creepy trying to find out about her personal life - right here, I did a 180. ME, "(W), I don't care how you insult me - I don't need details, who when where - THAT would be creepy maybe. I just want to know, yes or no."
W: "You are being weird, listen to yourself."
ME: "I have a belief, and I will stand up for my beliefs. You don't have to agree, that's fine, we'll soon be divorced. Do not insult me anymore - I will not take any demeaning from you. We have disagreed, but I have never insulted YOU."
She asked, why I couldn't just listen to HER, why bring God/Bible into it, and I said I made a vow to her AND God, and while I would abide by divorce, God took a bit more precedence.
W: "You are creeping me out because you keep hanging on." (This is stupid considering I haven't even contacted her in 2 weeks)
ME: "I'm absolutely not hanging on. Let me try this: I have poured out my heart, life, and soul for you for 2.5 years. I am exhausted and numb. I ache every day for you, for kids, and for ME. I am completely ready to "let go" and file divorce, but I need to be clear before God. If you think I'm creepy, and weird, fine, all the more reason to get the show on the road."
W (off-topic): "It's been 2.5 years, and we haven't been friends."
ME: "YOU said you wanted to try again three times in that period, and less than three months ago, YOU dismissed divorce, and told kids we would see what happened."
W: "Why is it about God, what can't it be my choice?"
ME: "It is about your choice - you are with another man, and I just said that I hoped you find happiness."
W: "Our marriage was crap for 8 years, and ME I was standing up for myself."
(Note: I've heard this alot)
ME: "Sorry, I'm calling bullshit. There were bad times, yes, but there were awesome times. Maybe I'm a Pollyanna, but you're the Grinch."
ME: "And don't you know that I realized that there were problems? When you asked me to try again, I just said, "Let's get counseling." You refused."
W (off-topic): "I know you saw OM at Walgreens, he saw you when he came to check up on me" (First, of all, puh-lease! She acted like this was so sweet, but I have ALWAYS babied her when she was sick. It was interesting because I had my kids, so he must've known it was me by my kids, but I didn't even notice, have tried to remember)
ME: "I didn't see him, or if I did, I didn't know. I don't even know what he looks like, and don't care."
I did another 180 - I have always been really hard-core about marriage, blah blah blah... ME: "If he is your choice, I hope you find the happiness you're looking for, and will wish you the best."
W: "He is funny and shy and sweet and nice"
ME: "Whoopee, so am I, except shy - again, don't care"
W: "You would never be friends/family without strings attached."
ME: "Poop, there were never strings attached, YOU are the one who limited everything. I only asked that we just see what happened."
ME: "If he is the perfect man, what is the holdup? You can be honest about PA, and this'll be done. Like ME, I deserve to be treated better anyway."
She went off-topic: "We are where we are because of things you did, etc"
ME: "We are where we are because we were selfish and hurtful. We can choose to end that and do right, or continue, give up, and move on"
W: "We tried, and friendship never happened."
ME: "FRIENDSHIP NEVER HAPPENED BECAUSE YOU WOULDN'T LET IT"
W: "Fine I will file divorce" (She can't file now because she doesn't have money)
ME: "I'm not waiting 2 years for a divorce with you being with another man"
W (off-topic): "I'm not responsible for problems because I was just reacting to you."
ME: "BULLSHIT! You were as much a part as me, and you won't admit it. I reacted to YOU too, but I pointed the finger at myself and took responsibility."
ME: "I'm not rehashing the blame game - if you want to resolve past hurts, fine, but I'm not doing the back-and-forth"
W: "You mistreated me blah blah blah"
I pointed out the many unreturned back rubs, $6000 in plastic surgery, bringing home Starbucks, doing laundry, cleaning house, buying chocolates, taking to Florida every year for a week - just her and I, dating, etc."
(She was at work, and quit responding - she has to stop abruptly if her client comes out)
I ended with this: "Look, we're going in circles. If you are interested in our family, I'm ok with staying separated and starting as friends, but not with another man involved. If you are interested, we'll discuss. Otherwise, be honest about sleeping with OM, I'll file divorce and we'll end this. I just want to be happy again, with or without you."
PHEW - that was long, and my arms are tired! The last part was a great 180 for me, and let me tell you how good I feel.
1. W some pretty mean things, and I DIDN'T care! 2. I was kind, but firm, never took her bait, but didn't let her bash me! 3. I told her all she had to do was be honest, and our relationship was over with, done, forever. 4. The 180 at the end: I always tend to give severe ultimatums, and not stick with them. This time, I just said, "I want to be happy again, with or without you". The best thing is, I completely mean that.
I guess I was hoping I would be so mad about A, I'd be done, but I don't WANT a divorce. I love her dearly. I'm not going to let her walk on me, and I will file divorce, but how do you DB at this point?
So, maybe I get a couple of 2x4s, but please hit gently as I have reached a major point in my life of true detachment.
