I hear a lot of the way that my sitch has been in you and your situation. Thank you for posting to me recently, and I'm sorry it's taken so long to post to you. I am trying to spend a bit less of my time on the boards these days, as I think it helps me to take a mental break from it all.
I am still not "there." H has still not recommitted, and is still relatively negative every time something about us comes up. However, we are living together again, and this is amazing. I say this to you because I was where you were. There were a few things that I heard along the way, that I did not believe (and still struggle with), but should have taken to heart. One of these is "believe none of what they say." Regardless of whether your wife is a "typical" WAS or not, and regardless of who contributed more to the problems that led to the M breakdown, she is likely going to be coming to discussions about the M from a very negative and pessimistic place. She clearly felt like she could not address the issues with you while together, so her first instinct is probably that things are better without you. I was out of my house for 3 months, and terrified that my H would decide with all that time apart that he liked life better without me. We had a few horrid conversations after I got back about him wanting a D, about there being no hope for us etc. However, I did not give up, and have not given up even when it seemed like there was no hope. I say this to you because you mentioned that with time and space apart, one of you may decide that you want the M to end. Certainly you yourself can come to any decision that you feel is best for you, but another saying that I have heard on the board several times is "it's not over until you say it's over." There is a very good chance that your wife will say she wants to end things, that she can't go back to what she came from etc. I don't say this to frighten you, but because it is something that most of us seem to hear in one guise or another at some point along the way. What I can suggest is that you use every opportunity possible to show her that things are different, and that she would not be coming back to the same marriage. You want to plant the seed of doubt about whether she is making the right decisions. It sounds like you are already doing this, but I've found it very helpful to think of specific complaints my H had (ones I thought were valid) and start addressing them. It is much harder when you are not together, but as you have children, there is a need for regular contact, so this gives you plenty of chances to show off your changes. In my own case I wasn't even in the same country, so it was really hard, but through a few well-placed emails and IMs, I tried to show that I was making changes.
Have you heard about the 4 stages? Knowing about them helped me to cope a bit. In case you haven't...
I jumped the gun a number of times, thinking I was in stage 2-3 because there was ML and constant contact. In retrospect though, if there are enough problems to cause a separation, there is going to be a pretty substantial period of time spent in stage 1. It's my guess that most divorces happen in stage 1, as it's the period that feels pretty hopeless. This is the time that you have to listen to everything the WAS says, fair or unfair, and validate. From what I've seen on the boards, this is the most difficult time to get through, and the hardest to overcome. Once you get past it, the other stages are a bit more fluid. I think it helps to know that you're in stage 1, as goals and expectations can be set accordingly. I had goals as simple as that my H would say "hi" or "how are you" when initiating contact. Speaking of goals, have you set some goals around your W and what baby steps would show you that things are moving in the right direction? Also, have you considered DB coaching?
Hope you are doing well today,
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
