For the Guy with Kids and a WW Twenty Two

[hopeful4her]

Chatting with Yenko the other night, I told him that I'm completely comfortable with knowing that I could look myself in the mirror and know that I really tried my best. I could also look the kids in the eye and tell them the same.

And they would know and agree.

I'm letting go of my marriage, which is sad, and going to try to maintain a relationship with the wife.

With all the people that are in the know about the A, even if the wife and I WERE to try again, it would just be too much to handle. Too much embarrassment, I think. So, who knows, maybe some day in the future.

Haven't really had any conversation with wife since Christmas morning. We did have some email exchanges, while she was at work, on Friday. I was wanting to go pick up the kids to do....ANYTHING. In one of my responses, I admitted to her that I NEEDED to get out of the house before they make a 'Cymbalta' commercial out of me.

We decided that I would pick up the kids and take them to the outside mall nearby and she would meet us when she got off work. I did that, spent some time with the kids, wife met us while we were getting something to drink and a snack in the food court, and then we walked around some and visited a few stores the girls wanted to go into. We parted ways about an hour later and I went home for the night.

Our emails are so much different than our actual conversations. In person, we hardly talk. I think I act so detached from her. Kind of odd to me.

That night, I watched some program on tv about stroke and I got really emotional. Later, I ended up sending her an email. I know that right now, she doesn't have her land line, internet or cable. She hasn't been able to pay it. She says she'll pay it next week when she gets paid, but as far as I know, her whole check should go to rent. I sent it to her Yahoo because I knew she won't see it for a while.


The subject line was "Thank God".

"Its Saturday night. We had some contact earlier today because I had picked up the kids and took them to La Cantera and we met and spent some family time together. We also had some nice email exchanges today.

I know that you don't have access to your Yahoo right now and that is why I'm emailing you here. Not sure when you'll see it and I needed to write this.

I came home, made myself some dinner and happened to watch a program about stroke victims.

All I could do was cry and cry.

I'm sure I've told you this at some point. I think that your memory is not the same as it once was, so I wanted to let you know again.

I thank God everyday for puting you in my life. Because God crossed our paths, we have two beautiful daughters and I have a beautiful stepson that I'm proud to call my son.

I thank God that he spared you and kept you in this world with us. I'm not sure you realize how truly blessed you are. I'm crying as I write this. God has kept you with us for a reason. And not only have we gotten through it once, but twice. The first time you got sick, if I could have, I would not have ever left your side, but I was there as much as I could, knowing what was going on in your head. I was not there just out of obligation, but out of love. He also allowed me to help in your healing process. God then allowed me the opportunity to be there full time the second time.

I could not ever say that I understand what it is that you've been through, because I can't.

I do know that we have been through so much together. It started with a hard decision that we had to make 14 years ago. One that I now regret with all my heart. I ask for Gods forgiveness nearly everyday because of it. We've gotten through the loss of my grandmother, up through dealing with the loss of your father.

And soooo much in between.

Because we HAVE been through so much in our lives together, I know that we will always be connected, and not just because of the children, but because of so much more.

What happens to us from this point on, I will consider the will of God and accept it.

Maybe the holidays have made me think about things more than usual, but I know that with the end of the year coming, I am looking forward to the new year. I had wished that I could forget about 2008, but actually, this past year has helped come to many realizations and has helped shape who I am. Because of my hurting, I try to pull myself away from you, but I am always drawn back to you. I believe I always will. I also believe that there are things that are bigger than us.

I know that we are both looking forward to a new year, although maybe for different reasons.

May God continue to bless you and keep you safe in the coming year, hon. If we don't see each other, I wish you a Happy New year. Holiday times are for spending time with the ones we love, and I hope you have or will. May God also continue to watch over our children and on both of our families.


With love,

R"

Too much, I'm sure, but honest.

I'm not going to be her BFF. I'm not going to be her GF.

I don't plan on offering myself on a platter to her, but like Yenko and I discussed, if she needs me, I'm probably going to be there for her. Yenko and I are the same when it comes to this.

I still haven't gone into the apartment. I have set my boundaries and let them be know to her. I will get my girlies today some time and we might visit grandma and grandpa and great grandma.

I told D7 yesterday about going for a drive out to a small town about an hour away to visit an outdoor Christmas set up they have at a park. You walk around, have hot chocolate and see a huge light set up. D7 wanted to go, but she wanted ALL of us to go. Even mom, so we'll see what transpires if D7 mentioned it to the wife. I'll let her know that we will go tonight, and offer the invite. I'm sure it will be just the girls and me, anyway. I think she mentioned that she is off a day or two this coming week, I just don' know what days.

The only wrench is that D11 is not feeling well and is not wanting to do much. I think its her allergies and not a cold or flu. I hope.

I had another old high school friend contact me thru FB Friday night. We weren't close friends. I was a freshman and he was a senior, but we did hang out a bit with other friends.

Cool stuff.

I also learned that even my mother is now getting into Myspace! I told her that I hate Myspace, because of the wife. She remembers looking into her profile a couple years ago. My brother added the same sentiment concerning his S2BEx. My mother says, "You mean, if I would have gotten into it way before, I might have left your dad by now?"

We laughed. "Very funny, mom."

I spent most of the day at my parents house yesterday. My brother, sister and I spent more time together than we have in years. It was a good day.